Body Language. Queen

Flutter In My Heart.

Still Freddie's P.O.V.

I found it hard to sleep.

I guess the sudden scare that loomed over me and the sense that was literally knocked into me from the girl pushing me into the wall actually sparked some fear.

I was scared. Of course I was.
Scared of growing old lonely.

I realise now that by sleeping around I was actually making myself unavailable to anyone, if anyone, wanted to get close to me.

That was what fuelled my decision to stop and wait.

As I lay in bed, thinking, my mind raced but my fear and adrenaline calmed down and the alcohol and drugs gradually began to take an effect on me again. Of course they couldn't just disappear from my system in a split second. Just that one feeling overruled the other quite substantially.

I was glad of them taking over my system again as I lay in the dark. It was calming.

Eventually I nodded off even though it was terribly troubled sleep, I woke up after only a few short hours feeling awfully groggy and hungover, but knowing I wouldn't be able to sleep for any longer.

It was still relatively dark outside but dawn was approaching.

I decided to get out of bed and freshen up, putting on some clothes and heading to the studio, even if it was at the ridiculous hour of 5:30am, I just had to busy my mind with something other than myself and Brian.

I drove to the studio, pulling up in the car park and sitting silently in my car, wondering if this was a stupid idea and whether I should try to snooze in the drivers seat for a little while. But deep down I knew that was never going to happen.

I got out, taking out the key for the studio and unlocking it, flicking on the lights. A sigh of relief left me, I was calm and somewhat happy here.

I took a seat at the table I was sat at yesterday when Brian got angry at me because I didn't listen to him. I stared at the spot where he was sat, imagining having a conversation with him.

Confessing to him.
Confessing my love, telling him that I've wanted him for the longest time.
Telling him how I've wanted somebody to love for so long and I wanted that somebody to be him.

I looked around before collecting some paper and a pen, I chewed the pen top, contemplating whether or not I should write down how I'm feeling and try make some lyrics out of it...

'Lord what you're doing to me.
I just can't get no relief.'

Was all I managed to scrawl down in half an hour.

Of course Brian was on my brain whilst I wrote the two measly lines.

"What are you doing to me, Brian? You're not letting me have any relief, are you..." I said quietly to myself.
It was light outside now but still way too early for the boys to be coming into the studio.

I looked at the two unpromising lyrical lines, maybe I would work on it later.
Being typical British men we had a tea station set up in the corner of the studio, I managed to drag myself over and make myself a mug. No matter how much I loved my champagne, nothing made me feel like tea does!

Gripping the mug, warming my hands I thought about last night.

How Roger and I took drugs, that was something I wasn't going to stop, like Roger said, we were sensible, we weren't addicted. It was nothing but a little fun. I would just be me when I'm around Brian, I wouldn't take them if he's there, he doesn't agree with them.

I thought about just how much Roger wanted John, how it all came gushing out of him during his little emotional moment last night. I was going to help him get John, especially as there was an inkling that John might not be strictly against a relationship with another man after my sly questions.

I understood Roger because I was once in his position too, I might be very open about myself now but up until a couple of years ago, I too, hid my true self by only going for women.

I shuffled over to the piano situated across from Rogers drum kit and began to play a little something, quite simple that went lower in keys, I thought it could be something that could be worked on so I quickly wrote down what I was playing.

I was always getting little spurts of creativity, whether it be for lyrics or melodies but most of the time I doubted myself and never thought they were good enough to pursue into a hit song.

I spent another hour or so just drifting about having a go at different things to keep my mind busy, I extended on the piano piece a little, I was liking how it was coming out, I was definitely going to carry this on, maybe I could work on the lyrics I wrote down earlier to go with this piece. Maybe I would get it almost finished, lyrically and on the piano before I presented it to the boys...and maybe they'll love it...and maybe it'll become a hit.

But of course. That's just a daydream, something like that would be lovely if it came true but I doubt it. But I will finish it and show the boys later down the line.

I sat at the table again, leaning my head on my arms on the table top.

"Fred?"

My thoughts must have been too loud to have heard anyone coming in but I did hear that voice. And I did know who it was.

I lifted my head immediately to see the somewhat curiously panicked face of...Brian.

I felt the flutter in my heart as i saw him.

"Brian...what are you doing in this early, dear?" I asked as i motioned for him to sit down opposite me.

He looked at me as if there was something wrong but cautiously took my invite and sat down.

"I thought I'd come in a bit earlier since I left early last night...but I could ask you the same question." He beckoned.

I hesitated, "I-I couldn't sleep..." half a lie, half the truth.

Brian's eyes narrowed as he tried to read me, knowing full well I wasn't telling him the full truth.

I sighed giving in, "I went out with Roger and John last night to level...we got very drunk...and something happened that...that made me realise what I've been doing is wrong."

He cocked his head to the side, "What do you mean?"

"Sleeping around with people!"

He leaned back a little, he had a expression on his face which read 'bullshit'.

"I'm serious Brian! I pulled a woman last night and had all intentions of fucking her, I brought her back to mine and whilst I was unlocking the door she fucking shoved me into the wall where I banged my head and it knocked all the bloody sense into me that I've needed for years! I told her I couldn't do it...a-and I didn't. Something clicked. I was scared."

I left out the part where I was going to wait for the right person and stop having sex with strangers.

The was a short pause before Brian leaned closer again, "You mean to say that Freddie Mercury...refused sex last night?" There was amusement in his voice.

I stared at his face before licking my dry lips and nodding, "Yes. yes I did."

"That's bloody impressive. I never thought I would see that day!" He chuckled.

I didn't understand why he was laughing, this was a serious matter to me. It was irritating me but I didn't want to show that.

I kept calm and started another conversation, "So...did you get laid last night? I told you I was going to ask you that every morning, you didn't think I was lying, did you?"