Body Language. Queen

Why Charlie?

Johns's P.O.V.

There was a silence when Roger said his part. Well. He said everything. Everything that we had seen last night.

Brian almost choked on his gasp and his eyes were the size of saucers. It was silent apart from his deep and fast, panicked breathing.

His glance flickered between the two of us. He looked like he could throw up.

It felt like a lifetime before he finally spoke.

"Th-that wasn't...me." He shook his head and spoke in a whisper.

"There's not many people around with hair like yours Brian. We were close enough to see your face." I said softly.

He shook his head violently again.

"So if we took you to Charlie's...would he say that he's never seen you before in his life?" Roger provoked.

He didn't answer and bit his lip like he was holding back a sob. He was deathly pale.

"Is the reason why Charlie is acting so distant with Fred...because he's...seeing you?" Roger asked.

Bri looked down and wiped the back of his hand across his nose and sniffed.

"Just tell us the truth, Bri." I said sympathetically, I really didn't want to make him upset, but if everything was true, what he's doing is really crappy.

Eventually he lifted his head up, tears running down his cheeks and his eyes red, he nodded. "Yeah. Yes. It was me..."

I fought back a gasp but I knew what we'd seen was real. I just didn't expect him to admit it.

Roger rushed over to him and took his arm. "Come on. Sit down." He soothed and sat the guitarist on the sofa. Roger sat next to him and I sat on the floor opposite them.

We exchanged glances as Brian hid his face and silently cried. We didn't ask him any further questions. We were going to wait until Brian spoke first.

I got up after a few minutes and fetched him a glass of water.

"Here..."

He took the water and took a sip, wiping his eyes and letting out a wobbly sigh, sniffing more.

"I never thought it would come to this...I thought I would be able to happily live my lie..." his voice cracked and he let out a little sob.

"What lie, Bri?" I whispered, putting a hand on his knee.

He swallowed hard, "That I wasn't like...you..." I watched another tear trickle down his cheek.

He couldn't say the words. But I knew what is was like. I'd been there. I'd been the one that nobody expected to be gay. I'd been the one to be ashamed of myself and hide it. Cover it up by seeing girls. I'd been there.

"I've been feeling trapped...for years. Always being told its wrong but always having such strong urges." He looked past me and at nothing.

"To be with a man?" Roger squeaked.

Brian's head fell into his lap and his body rocked with another round of silent sobs.

He lifted his head, nodding.

My heart was thudding for him.
"I know it's hard, Brian. I know what's it like to cover it up. Try and date girls to try and change yourself. To feel disgusted by your thoughts and to feel wrong when looking at another man. But you know what...it's the best feeling in the world when you accept yourself for who you are. It's been the best thing I've ever done..." I was speaking with a huge lump in my throat now.

He was crying harder now, Roger was rubbing his back looking worried.

"I can't. I don't want to let myself believe it." He wailed.

"Tell me, Brian. When you were with Charlie last night...how did you feel?" Roger asked.

Another fragile sigh came from him..."Happy..." Bri sniffed.

"And why would you want to deny yourself happiness?" Roger grabbed Brian's hand, he sounded choked up too.

"I've been doing it for years..."

"Nows the time to stop. You can't  change it." I urged.

There was a pause but I had questions that needed to be answered.

"Did you know it was Charlie you were kissing?" I slipped out the question. I knew he was upset and distressed but I just need to know, why Charlie?

He nodded, swallowing hard.

"Why Charlie, Brian? You know how hard Freddie is trying with him. Why would you do that?" I asked softly.

"It's a long story..." he croaked, sniffing and playing awkwardly with his fingers.

"We're willing to listen." Roger replied.

He shook his head, "I can't..." new tears spilled from his eyes now.

"You have to. Charlie's essentially cheating on Freddie with you." Roger said.

Another choked sob erupted from Brian and he began to speak in a strained, cracking voice.
"No...Charlie has never given Fred any indication that he likes him...apart from when they were drunk the other night, but that was a mistake...Charlie has never told Freddie that he's...single."

"But he is..." I commented suspiciously.

"No. He's not." Brian whispered. Hanging his head.

You could hear a needle drop it was so silent. Myself and Roger were obviously too stunned to comment.

"I've known Charlie for a couple of months...he works at the same place I do in the evenings. He sparked something inside me. The feelings I had been trying to keep locked away since my teens. But he brought them back to the surface...he made me desire to want to be with a man. He brought it out of me..."

"You've been dating Charlie? For months?" Roger thought out loud but he sounded outraged.

Bri wiped his still teary eyes again and shook his head. "No. Only this past month..."

"But that's longer than Freddie has been..." Roger said again.

"They are not dating. Charlie doesn't want Freddie...I-I told him Freddie's house was up for rent and he went for it...to be closer to me. Charlie knew how eccentric Fred is and knew he liked to go to the gay clubs so asked me if it was okay that he ask Fred to take him to The Mill. But I was there too...that's why Charlie kept disappearing from Fred." He took a deep breath, "I also told Charlie to climb up on top of the cage...I just wanted to see if Freddie can think of other people."

My sympathy for him had gone away and now I was nothing but annoyed at his stupidity.

"You told Charlie to climb up there to test Freddie?! What were you going to get out of that? He nearly lost his fucking hand." I warned.

"John..." Roger tried to calm me.

I softened my voice again, "Brian. I'm nothing but proud of you for admitting to us that you're gay." He winced at my words but I carried on, "But you need to stop whatever you have going on with Charlie. You need to tell Freddie." I urged.

"Tell him what, John? That I moved my boyfriend into his old house? That he's not even single? That I'm...that I'm gay? When I told him I wasn't?" His face screwed up again and he began to cry loudly.

"Charlie has caused nothing but trouble for all four of us since he's been on the scene. And you're letting him practically date Freddie. If he can do that he's surely not going to stay loyal to you! You know what the right thing to do is, Brian." I urged, both of my hands were on his knees now.

"I can't John. I can't get rid of him. We're in love." He choked.