Caspar's Cousin (Joe Sugg Fanfiction)

Chapter 57- Hopeful

A/n: HI so I was gonna dye my hair but I'm getting a purple dye tomorrow since we're out for school and I've forced myself to be happy all day but now I just feel like shit and idk why I'm saying this. Sorry this is another flashback idk, bye. ps. this is before Jess' death. DISCLAIMER: IT MAY BE SAD AND IT INVOLVES SELF HARM, SORRY IF THAT MAKES YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE + LGBT STUFF SO IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT THEN BYE I DON'T WANT YOU READING MY FAN FICTION!!

*Flashback a few months before Jessica's death*

I sat cross legged next to Jess. The wind was howling outside and the rain was crashing down to the ground. I was scared senseless, Jess on the other hand wasn't fazed.  Her parents weren't home again (business meetings) so she invited me to stay the night. We had ordered a take away with the money her parents left for her and we were sat eating pizza and chips. 

"Okay, why is it so hot in here but freezing out side?" Jess complained, taking off her jumper. As she reached for another slice of pizza I saw 4 fresh wounds on her arm. They were in thin lines in a ladder like way. It was easy to see they were new from how the blood was still towards to surface of the skin. I sighed and gently placed my hand on her shoulder. She dropped the slice of pizza and looked at me questionably. I looked to the cuts on her arm and she quickly moved her hand behind her body so she could hide them. 

"Jess" I said sternly and it was her turn to sigh. She let me inspect them. "Why, Jess? Why? I thought you stopped- you promised! We got through this together. Remember what we said?" Jess had tears in her eyes as she nodded sadly at me. 

"W-We said, No matter how tough life gets" She began.

"We are stronger than the problem" I replied. I embraced her in a hug and soon enough I heard her sob into my shoulder. 

"We are stronger together..." She finished. I nodded at her but she burst into tears again.

"I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. Please don't hate me"  She kept sobbing. 

"Shh, no, never." I hushed her and played with her hair in a soothing way.  "Wait here" I quickly said and made my way down stairs to the kitchen and into her freezer. I put some ice cubes in a small mason jar and brought them back to her room. 

"Help Haze, I feel the need" She sobbed out. She had her nails dug into her arm and I felt like breaking down at the sight. But I needed to be the strong one today. 

"Here, Put ice onto the skin wherever you feel the need to hurt yourself." She picked up an ice cube and pressed down on her skin. It slowly soaked into her skin and we both sat there watching it. She eventually let out a deep breath. "Better?" I asked with a small, warming smile. She smiled back a little bit and nodded. I picked up an ice cube and popped it in my mouth. Jess let out her loud obnoxious laugh I learned to love. 

"What?! I LIKE ICE OKAY?!" I fake shouted at her which made her laugh even louder. That's how our relationship went. We talk seriously for a bit but within seconds we're laughing and making silly innuendos. 

The night got darker. The wind and rain grew stronger and louder. We became more tired by the minute. At times like this we sat in the dark and held hands. 

"Hazel... I need to tell you something" Jess slowly said, rubbing her thumb on my hand. I nodded even though we could barely see each other. "I-I think I'm bisexual.." I looked at her. 

"You...think?" I smirked.

"Well I kind of know..."  

"Yeah I kind of knew too" 

"WHAT HOW?!"

"Well you always look at girls butts the same way you look at guys' butts." She started to nervously laugh.

"So...you don't mind?"

"No! You're the same person as before"

Jess' POV (oh shit lads) 

"No! You're the same person as before" Hazel replied to me coming out to her. In all honesty Hazel was the person who made me realise I'm bisexual. 

The moon light perfectly hit her face as her hair covered the other half. I felt the urge to push the hair out of her face and kiss her but I didn't. I'm stronger than that. 

I love the way she smiles. I love her laugh. I love the way she dances. I love how no matter what hour of the day her hair is always perfect no matter whether it's up or down. 

I squeezed my eyes shut and turned away from her and let go of her hand. I used that hand to pinch my arm but I accidentally squeezed where my scars were.

"Fuuuuckkk" I groaned as the stinging sensation rapidly set off around my body. Since they were relatively fresh they hurt as shit when I touched them.

"Are you okay?!" Hazel asked, worried. That's another thing I love about Hazel. No matter what you've done she'll always care. She always has and always will. 

I turned to face her.

"Oh, I just uhh hit my toe on the end of the bed" I replied, slowly nodding my head.

"Oh, okay?" She replied, clearly unsure. 

Within a few minutes we were both too tired to speak and the silence had made us fall into a sleepy trance. I closed my eyes and thought about one thing and one thing only, her...