Caspar's Cousin (Joe Sugg Fanfiction)

Chapter 54 - The Past

Flashback

Lily's feet shuffled impatiently in front of me as we waited in a neat line to get into the school hall. The small bells on her bag rattled furiously as her hips swayed side to side. Our teacher glared at her impatient movements and she immediately stopped and her cheeks reddened. I stifled my small laugh. Well I wanted to laugh but I couldn't. It's been a month since Jess' death. The whole school knows someone died but no one knows who or how. I asked the head of school not to tell everyone the details of her death nor anything about her. She was known around the school but not for anything good. She did drugs and constantly got drunk at random college parties that no one knew how she got into. Somehow her parents were never aware, well to be honest they were always away on business trips which is probably why she became so addicted. She felt isolated. I tried to tell her I was there and she knew I was but that was never enough. The bad influences at the parties taught her how to self harm. The word about Jess had being going around but it was a rumor about her being kicked out for doing drugs. I didn't deny or confirm anything. Sometimes it's better to say nothing than say a lie. The line quickly moved and we all piled into the small hall. All the seats were filled up so I had to sit on the steps going up in the middle. Describing it as awkward is not the right word....Uncomfortable? Yeah. I had everyone's glare on me, I could feel their eyes burn into me like a fire. I was too scared to turn around. So instead I sat for 20 minutes taking small breaths and acting as though I wasn't alive. I was still. I used to love school, as a kid. When I moved into high school everything just...stopped. The misfits become the populars. Your friends become your enemies. It's basic stuff that no one warns you of. The worst part is it all happens in the snap of your fingers. It's not just social life though, it's family as well. Well in my case at least. My family were always happy smiley people, constantly looking at the positive side of any situation. Then it all seemed to stop. It seemed like as soon as I moved schools everything stopped. I kept a constant smile on my face, I was addicted to telling people I'm fine. I was addicted to lying to myself and saying that nothing is wrong. I was lying though. Everything was wrong and I knew that. Hell, it wasn't normal for me to cry every night over my best friend's death, my parents fighting, the bullies at school, heroes deaths...They affect me just as much as if they were my friends. Because at the end of the day no matter how horrible your heroes and idols are in real life they are always there for you. Every step of the way. So when one of them dies it's hard to cope. Or even the day of remembrance (A/n: on Wednesday it's Cory Monteith's death date, aka Finn from Glee. I feel so sad ) hurts. Tears would fall down my face but I would never wipe them away, I would never be angry at myself for getting worked up. I would just sit and quietly cry to myself. It seemed like the right thing to do, it felt normal. It wasn't until the next year I realised it wasn't normal. That year I spaced out completely. I got bad marks on all my assessments and exams. I couldn't concentrate in lessons. I didn't get enough sleep to keep me energized for more than 2 hours. I got more detentions than ever because I never handed in my homework, and when I did it was late or incorrect. I was messed up and everyone could see. When they saw me coming they whispered to each other and backed away, as if I was a monster. I looked like a zombie with the big bags under my eyes. My whole world was crumbling down right before my eyes and there was nothing I was going to do to stop it...