Can't hate you || e.d

"..and me"

☼Dean's Journal☼

I can remember everything. Every single detail.

I remember my mom. Her eyes.. her hair... her warm hands and how she used to smell like roses all the time. How soft and careful she was. How caring she was. And when she disappeared... I forgot how this all felt like.

I also remember that Grayson is my real dad. I'm his biological son. I'm not adopted. It's the same with dad. I can remember it.

I was five when he killed my mom.. I don't know why and I will never understand it. I couldn't even understand how they both came along.. how they met.. he probably took her away from us because she resisted to stand him. He was probably only married to her so she could give birth to two sons that he would use as projects and tools..

After she died he just decided to erase our memories.. our feelings.. everything that we've gone though.. that we've seen. He destroyed every evidence with pain. He abused us.. almost killed us. He wanted us to believe that we were someone else.. someone we didn't choose to be.

He dropped us off at an orphanage after he killed her.. he knew that he couldn't use us yet. He knew that we weren't able to do shit yet.. he had other plans for us but we needed to grow up. He dropped us off there, only to get us back after a few years and the time that I've spent there was the best I've ever had.. everything was so much better without him..

It was like you do it with a dog that you don't want anymore but then you realize how lonely and bored you are after a while so you go and get him back.

I was happy there because I was far away from him. I met other kids.. and adults that didn't treat me as if I was worth less. It was a completely different world. Now I feel heartbroken for every child that has to be there.. and I wish them nothing but happiness, strength and peace.

I really forgot that he was my biological father. He made it possible.. I couldn't remember anything.. I still don't understand how it was possible.. how he made it.. but I know that he's a psycho. Getting damaged as a kid leaves marks.. scars.. and tattoos. Maybe a broken life. Forever.

I got used to my new life with these other kids very fast but after three years I was eight and he ripped me out of that world again. I couldn't recognize him. I didn't remember him. I really thought he was just a nice man who wanted to get two kids out of an orphanage to treat them well... to give them a home.. no one ever told us that he was our real dad. He probably paid them.. like always. If I would've remembered him, I would've ran away.

I was glad that he didn't tear me apart from my brother.. I was thankful. I was happy.. it was like a new and strange home for us that we needed to get used to but it was our home.. of course we weren't aware of that yet. We were a little nervous.. afraid.. of the new situation.. but happy at the same time. That should've been a new beginning for us. But nothing is the way it should be.

We got used to him. To the place. To everything.. but after a while we moved. we moved many times...

Blake went to school and had normal subjects while I was staying at home and got taught by one of the best and most expensive private teachers in the area. Blake was a normal child. He had friends, went to school, played basketball with the other kids.. had his first girlfriend.. while I was at home alone.. while I had to play alone in the backyard, teach myself how to be my own friend.. I never understood why. I was thankful that I had the possibility to do that but it made me feel very lonely. I've always been lonely.. but dad told me that I was special.. that I was important and that he needed to protect me of the world. That he didn't want to have the other kids around me..