Can't hate you || e.d

Strange

Sun

My heart started racing. Beating like crazy. It felt like a huge flashback.. there he was standing again.. thinking of everything that happened.. made me anxious. I couldn't breathe and it was getting warmer and warmer in the car. At least that's what it felt like.

I started shaking.. it felt like someone punched me right into my stomach.

It was him. It was really him.. nothing about him has changed. Nothing.. not even the way he was standing.. so confident, so mature... so scary..

I looked at Dean who was about to get off the car, shaking, with his fists clenched. He seemed as surprised and confused as me.. especially nervous and angry.. as if he didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to do either. It was overwhelmed.

I started to panic tho I knew I should keep calm but it was just too impossible because the things that happened kept repeating themselves over and over again in my head and my head was spinning.

"Stay in the car." he said and his voice was really really deep and harsh. He was really serious but I was afraid. "But-.." he cut me off before he got off the car and closed the door. "Stay in the fucking car.".

I needed to do what he said even when I felt like I was going to explode. This was something serious.. All I could do was watch them.. without hearing a word.. without knowing what was actually going on. I was scared.. I knew it was going to escalate.

My high blood pressure and the adrenaline made it almost impossible to just sit there. I needed to get out.. I needed to do something. I felt like he was going right fight him. This wasn't going to end well.

I almost passed out right there, thinking about all the things that just happened back then.. when he was still here.. when he was there for me.. when he hurt Dean and snitched on all of us...

On Moon's birthday party.. when he carried me on his shoulders and was there for me... God, I felt so sick I could see Stars..

Dean

I couldn't move an inch. I was standing there in the cold just like him, feeling like nothing around me was real. I felt like I was standing in a black hole and I could fall any second. My feet was glued on the ground.

Obviously he didn't know what to do either... but he was way more prepared and patient than me.. like nothing happened. He was standing there, ready to do anything. I was about to lose my mind.

My feelings where all over the place. I felt and thought so much at once. It's been a while since the last time I felt like this.

I hated him so fucking much and I was ready to attack him and tell him to fuck off and disappear because he did the same thing when I needed him the most so there was no need to come back now.

He just disappeared and left me alone because it was too much for him but no matter what happened between us and how much he hurt me back then, I needed my older brother. I was about to fucking kill myself and he wasn't there. He wasn't fucking there.

He just left me alone not caring about what was going to happen to me or if I would make it or needed help. He minded his own business. How could someone be so selfish and weak? I was so disgusted by him. We needed each other.

I was so angry and mad about everything. I wanted to cry and punch him like crazy but that wasn't an option after everything that happened and the way he left..

But at the same time.. I felt this kind of relief and happiness.. I felt something.. I didn't know how to explain it.. but I didn't feel so alone anymore. No matter how much I hated him.. how much he broke me.. how often I died mentally and physically.. he was my brother and he was the only one that I had. I didn't have anybody else than him and Sun.. but she had her own family..