Can't hate you || e.d

Fate

Sun

The next week felt like cold hell. Like a really cold hell, that was so deep that I almost believed that there was no ground..

For the first time in my life I felt like I had to be afraid of losing something because of my own stupid behavior. Because I didn't appreciate someone enough. Instead I gave my interest to somebody else and now I was regretting my decisions because I felt the cold breeze that was coming at me from the one I loved.

I felt so awful and hurt on the inside, it was like I couldn't move or stand up. I was afraid I would crack and fall into pieces.

I saw Dean only two times in the following week. We texted and called each other but I felt the coldness. I felt the distance and the lose of interest.. I couldn't describe it.

I knew he loved me no matter what happened, even tho I still didn't get to explain myself, and I knew he wasn't getting distant with me on purpose but even the way he was talking to me changed. There was no warmth, no jokes.. no closeness.. only that deep voice that made it impossible for me to tell what he was thinking, feeling or trying to tell me.

I couldn't stand it. It was unbearable. Him and I.. being like this really almost killed me. It gave me a taste of what it's like to lose him and thinking too much about it made me cry so hard until I almost threw up.

I missed him so much and all I needed was him to hug me but I couldn't stand the look in his eyes that was killing me. It was so emotionless and cold, as if he built walls around his heart and his feelings so I couldn't see them even a little.

I couldn't even talk to him about what happened that night. I didn't know how to begin and I knew that there was no need anymore to talk about it because he didn't want to. The way he looked at me that day on the football field just said everything.

I was so ashamed. Even if I didn't let Mika touch me in a way that Dean could.. I slept in his arms and that was already enough. I felt comfortable. I lost my goal. I crossed the line. If Dean would've done that with another girl (no matter why and under what conditions) I would've acted the same way..

At the same time I was really hurt because I thought he would trust me and know that I wouldn't go that far. He should've known that I loved him more than anybody else and that I wouldn't do something like that even if I was confused and irritated.

But I think the problem for him was that I stayed there and slept in the same bed as Mika, even tho he said these meaningful things on the phone. That was bothering him.. of course it was bothering him.

I wanted to see him. So many times. I tried to handle it and get him to talk to me about it but it never worked because he always changed the subject.

He said he's exercising a lot with the team for the games, he's studying for his finals and a few other things and that he would like to rest for a while to clear his head. I was understanding that, even if it was very hard for me because it felt like he was running away from me and that was something that had enough power to knock me out. It got me on my knees with an open wound that made me bleed to death.

We were so close, we had such a strong bond, we spent every second together and shared everything.. that this distance was something huge to me. I wasn't used to it and I never wanted to get used to it.

Another day like this and I was going to die. I couldn't imagine a life without him. Even wasting a single, tiny thought about it was a no-go.

We were going to be to together. Forever. This was our destiny and it wasn't going to change. We've been through so much and we were so strong.. I couldn't let this destroy us. I needed to do something.