Can't hate you || e.d

The scary parts

Dean

She sat down on the table across from me and started talking and I swear she didn't stop. I was already drowning in my own thoughts so I didn't even listen to anything that she said. I was thinking about her family.

I was so jealous of Moon although I hated him more than I hated this planet. He was just like his dad. They were so close to each other and their relationship was extremely strong. They were a dream team and his dad was not a freak.. His parents loved him more than anything else and even his sister was cute and loved him as well.

While my brother hated me and my dad was pushing me to the edge. Every time when I thought that I got a little closer to him he just pushed me away and told me that I wasn't good enough. For anything. It's not like he showed me that, no, he literally said it all the time and they made me feel left out.. I was really alone..

No matter what I did, I just wasn't good enough for him. I was fighting for him, I was doing illegal things, I wasn't caring about my life or my education even tho I had potential in so many things... I was doing every single damn thing he wanted from me without even saying a word because I thought that I would may get a chance to have a place in his heart. But that was never going to happen because that bastard didn't have a heart.

But I didn't mean anything to him. He would literally blame me if I would die one day even if it wouldn't be my fault. All I got back was "Dean you always will be a looser.", "You'll never be as good as your brother.", "Stop trying you pussy. You'll never make it.", "Why did I even adopt you? You don't even belong into this family.."

A question I've always asked myself. Why was he doing that to me?

Thinking about his words.. it really killed me like nothing else could.

People would say he's like this to make me stronger or because he can't show his love but that wasn't true.. he was just a fucking psychopath..

I would've preferred to stay in that orphanage alone without my brother instead growing up with him or being called his son or being raised by him because there wasn't a damn thing that he did for me or taught me and I fucking hated it.

And sometimes I was asking myself what would've happened if someone else would've adopted me? Maybe I would've lived a completely different life. Maybe with less money or a worse area but a little bit more family and love.. or friendship. A different life seemed like a dream. A beautiful dream that I was never going to reach. It would've been so amazing.. maybe I wouldn't have been so fucked up, cold, heartless and emotionless..

I couldn't even choose my girlfriend by my own because I had to do whatever he wanted.. I had to choose whoever he wanted.

I was so angry that my hands were shaking. I couldn't even sleep at night because of all these thoughts and hate that was going to make me burn everything down soon.
Not to forget his stupid exercises that brought me to the edge. He was forcing me to so many difficult exercises that I used to spit blood at the end or throw up.. Every single bone in my body was hurting. He even forced me to stay awake for days for the real emergencies. I couldn't understand how he could enjoy destroying me so much.

I was like this only because of him.. I've been such a happy child before he adopted me. If I would've only known what happened to me after I left with him.

I just hated everything around me. All I wanted was to scream so I did it. I didn't know how long it has been but she was still talking without taking a break.

At the end I freaked out.

"SUN SHUT THE FUCK UP I CAN'T EVEN HEAR MY OWN THOUGHTS! AREN'T YOU TIRED OF TALKING SO MUCH AND FUCKING EVERYONES HEAD? YOU DON'T EVEN REALIZE THAT I'M NOT LISTENING TO YOU, STUPID BI-..." I didn't continue my sentence.. I froze. She looked at me with a dropped jaw and widened eyes. Her terrified face made me regret it immediately. She also seemed a little disappointed.. but more like she didn't expect it.. like I scared her to the core..