Can't hate you || e.d

New friendships

Sun

I was really tired when I went to school on the next day. Mika dropped me off at home around 2 or 3am and after that I already knew I couldn't sleep. I felt too guilty because of my argument with Chloe.

Besides that.. I had these mixed feelings.

Mika told me that he loves me. After such a short time he said these words and I kinda felt like I already won the game but at the same time I felt pretty guilty..

I didn't think he would say it that fast.. I thought he would say it during my best acting skills but he said it during my most vulnerable moment.. and he really meant it.. the way he held me and the way he spoke.. it was all real.

I should be really happy because I almost got what I wanted but I wasn't happy because I felt bad for him.. I didn't even know why.. I shouldn't feel bad for him.. but I was a human. There was that little piece of a good human inside of me... that weak human.. that was confused on the inside.

He spent a lot of time with comforting me... he pulled me closer and closer until I fell asleep with my head on his lap and when I woke up he was playing with my hair and running his thumb over my temple.. his touch was very soft and gentle.. it was so warm, soft and comfortable.. I hated that I didn't feel uncomfortable or wanted to leave as soon as I woke up.

I woke up and I felt so lonely first.. but then I looked up at him and hugged him tightly, without being able to control my emotions or my actions.

Maybe it was because I still felt awful because of Chloe and he was there.. and I needed somebody.. I mean I hugged him because of my own needs, right? Because I needed someone to hug and comfort me. Not because I was thankful, glad and happy that he was still there after I woke up.. right?

I shouldn't care about his appearance or anything else about him but in that moment I did and in that very same moment which lasted less than five seconds... I felt bad for him.

I looked at him and I was sorry because he was an interesting, caring, fine human being who could've had good chances to be a good friend if our awful past wouldn't have existed.. I was sorry because I was going to kill him and his dad and somehow I started enjoying my time with him..

I was struggling with the thought of canceling my plans and sending him to Guantanamo instead of killing him because I owed him something.. I was sorry because of all the beautiful things he said to me but at the same time the things he's done before were way heavier than his good actions...

But I hated that I felt this way. Why couldn't I control it? Why did I feel affected by every guy that entered my life? What was wrong with me? Why was I so soft, nice and weak when it came to handsome guys? That was annoying and I hated myself.

When it came to Chloe.. she didn't talk to me.. or looked at me once since the day began and I felt awful. I didn't know how to talk to her or explain it to her and I didn't even want to explain it to her because I had to keep lying and I didn't want to lie anymore. So I was going to talk to her.. as soon as this all was over..

I took a deep breath and kept walking through the hallway until I saw Luna. I froze for a second and remembered what I promised Moon. Then I started walking faster, to catch her before she would walk up the stairs or disappear around the corner.

I turned around and stopped right in front of her.

"Hey!"

She stopped like I scared her. I tried to smile to comfort her and I could see that she was trying it to. It must've been uncomfortable for her. Who wouldn't feel uncomfortable if the sister of the boyfriend would come and try to fix things that aren't her business? Why was I so confused? I needed to stop thinking.