Can't hate you || e.d

I cant hate you

Sun

I was sitting in my room on the ground, knees pulled to myself and back leaned against the bed. The heavy feeling in my chest wanted to make me melt into the ground. Everything that happened took way too much time to sink then it should. It changed more than it should.

My whole life changed in a second and it was too much. It was scary and overwhelming. Ridiculous and just not understandable. People died.. Dean's dad died.. he left with me knowing very well what was going to happen to his father..

I thought I wouldn't get out of the big black hole that I fell into.. I thought I would always be stuck in this situation.. in this position of my brain. My thoughts were bothering me. Everything was bothering me. Everything that happened was going to bother me forever. I didn't want to think of what happened. I didn't want to think of Dean's past, of his dad's plans, of Blake's betrayal and how scared I got when he shot Moon. I didn't want to think of any of these.

It's been almost two months since it all happened.. and it was Dean's birthday. His eighteenth birthday. I didn't see him after everything that happened.. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to be there for him, wanted to be close to him but I also wanted to stay away from him and be alone.. mom and dad didn't let me go anywhere any way. No matter if I wanted to be there for him.. I needed to be there for me too.. and I didn't know how.

We needed each other but I was too hurt.. not only hurt. I couldn't take so much at once.

He called me a few times but I never picked up. I didn't even know why. I wanted to be alone. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know if I was ready to hear his voice, I didn't know what to do.. It was a rough time for all of us. Moon almost died.. my mom was on the edge..

Dad was struggling with everything but on his way to make everything better and I.. it just felt like it wouldn't get better. I just felt like it would get worse.. and I could finally understand Dean.. I could finally understand how it felt like wanting to die..

I was scared.. scared of my feelings and not knowing what to do. Now knowing what I wanted. It was over. I didn't even want to think of how I saw my dad killing someone. I knew that it wasn't the first time.. but it was the first time for me... and it wasn't just somebody.. I had no clue how to handle it all.

One week after that day Dean sent me his journal. It was on my desk until I decided to throw it into my paper bin. I could see it.. it was looking at me.. that was bothering me.. it was bothering me although I was still so curious about was else was standing in there.. so I stood up and got it out of the bin..

It's been almost two months.. I needed to get myself back together and the strength to read it. I needed the strength to face this all and move on. What happened, happened but it was over.. I could handle it..

My heart was racing while I opened the first page.. I sat back down again and started reading the whole thing. I read everything. I read every single page that he wrote in his pleasing handwriting. I read every word that he wrote for me. Every feeling that dropped on the pages from his pen.. it hurt but made me smile. How could someone love so much? How could someone be so strong, yet so fragile? I was his only weakness..

There was this short one that I liked a lot.. the date showed that he wrote it while we were in the hotel..

'I wish...'

☼Dean's Journal☼

I wish we could stay here forever..

I wish I could wake up with you every morning. Wake up to your beautiful face and your calm breathings.