Head canons

Spider Son

Thor: Your son, the boy of Spiders did very well.

Tony: W-What? Thor, no. He's not my kid.

Thor: Surely he must be.

Tony: Okay, whoever thought Peter was my kid, raise your hands.

Natasha, Clint, Thor, Rhodey, Bruce, Steve, Stephen, Sam, Bucky, and everybody in a 50 yard radius:*raises hand*

Tony: Rhodes!

Rhodey: I thought it was on the down low and I wasn't supposed to say anything.

Tony: Pepper, tell them that Peter isn't... Peter, put your hand down.

Everyone:*lowers hand*

Pepper: You dreamed you had a kid. I just assumed you forgot to tell me when you made it official.

Tony: Peter, you live with your aunt.