“Sorry, pero hindi na kita mahal. Tapusin na natin ‘to. Hindi na’ko masaya.”
Those words came from the mouth my first boyfriend, James, before he walked out of my life forever. I loved him so much that losing him felt like losing my soul. For a year, I endured the pain he caused me, waking up each day trying to learn to get by without him in my life. And I did.
I also learned to love another man after him. Gary made me really happy. He made me feel so loved. We were so happy that I almost saw myself growing old genuinely content with him. Until he confessed he was still in love with his ex.
“I’m sorry, Sarah. Mahal ko pa si Jassie. I love her more than I love you. I’m really sorry. I hope you can forgive me.” Then, he let go of my hand and walked away without turning back.
Again, I endured and lived each day like nothing heartbreaking happened. I learned to smile again and I opened my heart to love again. It was the least thing I could do for myself: to choose to be happy and to love more.
I met Noy months after. Naging sobra kaming close dahil na rin magkaklase kami sa halos lahat ng subjects namin. Naging kakampi namin ang isa’t isa sa halos lahat ng bagay. With his sweet gestures and thoughtful compliments, I almost believed he already cared too much for me; that he already felt the same way I felt towards him. Until I learned he already had a girlfriend. That was a big blow for me. What made it worse was knowing that his girlfriend was actually my close friend Gail. We talked about it. He said he was sorry for not telling me. I understood his reasons. I moved on.
For the hundredth time, I chose to be happy and not let the pain drown me. It was easier that way: choosing to be happy instead of dwelling in pain. Parte ng pagmamahal ang masaktan. Dapat nga nasa listahan na iyon ng ‘expectations’ ng isang tao pagdating sa love. How you stand up and continue to love, to choose not to give up on love, well… that makes the difference.
So, if there’s something I will always be grateful for in this life, it’s the great amount of love I have for the people around me. I have so much love to give even though I’ve been hurt a dozen of times already. Hindi ko sinukuan ang pag-ibig kahit na ang tingin na sa’kin ng iba’y isa akong tanga dahil hindi ako napapagod magmahal. What can I do? Ipinanganak ako’ng naniniwala sa kakayahan ng pag-ibig na baguhin ang takbo ng mundo. Love is a beautiful thing and I’ll never give up on it no matter how painful it gets.
Now, I face the world again, never giving up but continuing to love.
