Shades Of Styles

Not My Harry Part 7

*2 and a half years ago*

Where is that bottle of whiskey? I swear I just put it down...oh there it is.
In one swift motion, I take the lid off and put the rim to my lips, pressing it in and letting the warm liquid fall down my throat.
I need to feel numb, to feel like there's nothing wrong in my life. I chug down the drink until the bottle is half empty and I'm tipsy.
My eyes catch a picture of her and I nearly vomit up my drink. She left me, I knew she would one day. I never accepted it and I barely do now.
After she and Sadie left it was like a marathon of shitty things. I went to prison for 6 months-got out after 5 for good behavior. When I got back my house was repoed. Luckily I talked to my mom and she agreed to move most of my stuff out before they could take it. Once I got out, I didn't have much money so I had to move in with my mom. Luckily people at my job were understanding and let me come back to work if I agreed to get sober. I lied and said I would. So now I only pretend not to be drunk at work.
I got this shitty apartment almost a year ago and I'm miserable. I tried to recreate the way my house looked, pictures of my once beautiful family anywhere I could fit. Sadie's refrigerator drawings back on the fridge. (Y/N)'s favorite bedding lay on the bed, the clothes she left hung in the closest. But it's not the same, she isn't here. Sadie isn't here. They didn't leave much of Sadie's, just her bed and some old toys and clothes. Fuck I miss my daughter, I miss my wife.

A year later

"I was gunna give her this..." I hold up a diamond engagement ring that I bought the same day Sadie was born. "When I proposed, it was spontaneous. Everything we did was spontaneous. We were sitting in bed studying for our final exam. And I looked at her and I knew I wanted to marry her, right then. I didn't even think-I just asked. She said yes." I smile, looking at the ring again. "We got married a month later, I had booked an appointment at the courthouse the morning of our graduation." I laugh at myself for being so carefree when I was 21. "While she was getting dressed, I was planning our wedding." I pause and look to the small group of people in front of me. Making the decision to go to rehab 5 months ago was one of the hardest decisions I ever made. But I knew it was what I had to do, for my girls. Now here I sit at an AA meeting, only a week after I was released from rehab.
"She got pregnant 6 months after we got married so we focused on that. We were two 20 somethings, living in a small 1 bedroom apartment that was honestly my favorite place-that's where I fell in love with my wife. I mean, sure the wallpaper was falling off, there cracks in nearly every wall, there some...random stains on the carpets and the heat just barely worked but it was ours. We had lived there for most of our relationship but I knew we needed something bigger with a baby on the way." I pause again for a moment. "Finally, I had saved up enough to put a down payment on a house. We found a small twenty-thousand 2 bedroom house close to my job. We got moved in about a month before she was going to deliver. It was the morning of the day she went into labor. We didn't know that of course but I had decided that it would be the day I gave her what she had deserved. This ring." I hold it up again. I went and got it from my mother. My grandmas ring. But when I was there she called me and told me she went into labor. I panicked and left. I had completely forgotten about it. Life went on, we had a newborn and work got crazier, life got-crazier. And then I became..." I sigh, trailing off, too afraid of the words.

"Take your time." The woman running the meeting assures me and I nod.

"I became, an abusive drunk. I lashed out way too often and I could see my wife's love for me fading. That only caused me to lash out more. And then she left and I blamed her." I shake my head, wiping my mouth with my finger tips in an attempt to calm myself. "It was only when I got the divorce papers, two years down the line-that I saw myself for who I truly was. A monster. I hurt my family. The woman I loved most in the world-and my own daughter. She was daddy's little girl and now..." I try to hold back a tear at the thought. "Now she probably doesn't even know who I am. And I have no one to blame but myself." I finish my story and throw my head in my hands. That was a lot to unpack but I'm glad I did.