Shades Of Styles

You're Not Mine Anymore

The lyrics to Machine Gun Kelly's "Let You Go" play through my house as they do almost everyday now. That and a ton of other sad breakup songs, ever since she left and broke my heart.
(Y/N) was my everything but I wasn't hers. It's been exactly 3 weeks since she broke up with me, I know, I've been counting the hours, the minutes and even the seconds some times. I miss her like crazy and I wish she was here but as my friend MGK would say "you're not mine anymore."

Yep, binge drinking and listening to break up songs while laying on my couch is how I live my days most of the time. I ignore texts and phone calls, in hopes that one day it might be her calling and I don't want to be in the middle of a call while she's trying to call. I'd give anything to hear her voice just one last time. I even tried to call her, for a week I would continually call her and leave voicemails, until one day her voicemail was full. That's when I figured she wouldn't ever answer me so now I just wait on her call...if it'll ever come.

"You're like a drug but I can't get high off you." The words play loudly through my speaker and for some reason I feel that to be so insanely true for me. She's my drug and I need more of her but I can't get high off of her anymore. The way we use to be, laughing, smiling, kissing each other, that was like a high for me and now I'm relapsing-and hard.

"You're not mine anymore." I try to sing along but my voice comes out broken and quiet. I grab the whiskey bottle from off the coffee table and press the cold glass to my lips before letting the contents fall in my mouth. The only thing that seems to even ease the pain.
It's like they say, you use rubbing alcohol for outside wounds and drinking alcohol for inside wounds. But much like a bullet wound, rubbing alcohol does nothing for it. That's what this feels like, a bullet wound in my chest that no amount of alcohol could ever heal. But, I'll take the whiskey for now.
I close my eyes to get some relieve from the afternoon light coming in from my windows and when I open them again, they fall on a picture of (Y/N) and I that's on my tv stand because I can't bring myself to remove anything of hers. The picture is of her kissing my cheek while I smile stupidly at the camera, head over heels in love, I had on a stupid New Years hat on because it was New Year's Eve.
(Y/N) made me wear it, she said I looked cute and for her I would look like a complete idiot just to see her eyes light up like they always did when she looked at me.
I wonder if she's moved on now and if her eyes light up for someone else, if her lips curl into a smile before she bursts into laughter at some dumb joke he made. No one else would find it funny, just her because she loves him.
Those thoughts cause tears to fall from my eyes as the next song plays. "The break up." This song doesn't speak to me as much because he's angry in it and I'm not angry, I'm just sad. I was angry at first, I was pissed that she could leave me and leave 2 years worth of love and care. I broke a lamp the second day, all because it wouldn't turn on but I quickly realized it wasn't plugged in. It still sits there on the floor next to my bedroom door, the pieces all array.
(Y/N) would have cleaned it up by now, she would have apologized to me because of how angry I was- and it wouldn't have been because of her, I never lashed in anger because of her, we got in 3 fights in our entire relationship.
The first was because she thought I was looking at another girl when we were out on a date, which wasn't true, the only girl I could ever look at was her. I told her a million times from the restaurant all the way home that I wasn't looking at anyone but her and by the time we got home we had made up.
The second was because I kept not cleaning up my messes, we had just moved in together and she hasn't realized how messy I was, she begged me to clean up my messes, it's funny because now I would clean up the whole world just to have her in my arms now.
The third one, this last one...was the reason we broke up. She said it was because she thinks I drink too much, well she wasn't wrong about that. She told me she wouldn't stick around to watch me drink myself to death, I wasn't even listening, I was drunk. And then she left, when I was asleep that night. She left a note, I still have it. I carry it around with me in my pocket, it's the last connection I have to her. The last thing she ever said to me.

Harry, I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore. I can't sit around and watch you drink this much. It's ridiculous. I love you, I love you so much and that's why I'm doing this, I'm so sorry that I couldn't be the person that helped you through whatever it is you're going through. I'm sorry we couldn't end up together, just know I will always love you. -(Y/N)

I know the words like a song playing in my head all day. That's why I listen to other music, to drown out the words from the letter. And I drink to drown the memories of her that play like movie trailers. They're not like movies to me because I don't get the satisfaction of remembering the full thing, probably because of the alcohol constantly running through my system.

"I wish that I loved you or that I cared. Or that I've even give a damn if you were here." MGK sings. I do love her, I do care and if she was here I'd feel at peace. "But you're gone so it's fuck you." I wish I could have that mind set. I wish I could text her and say "fuck you."
Before I can stop myself, I have my phone in my hand and I'm texting things I don't even mean but for some reason I just want them to trigger something out of her, maybe she'd text me back.
"I wished that I loved you or that I cared. Or that I'd even give a damn if you were here but you're gone so it's fuck you" I can't get myself to type anything I mean so the lyrics will do. I hit send and then put the phone back on the table and grab my best friend whiskey and finish the bottle.