STAR TREK IMAGINES

Captain Jean- Luc Picard

A/n: This chapter heavily discusses anxiety, depression, and ptsd. Please do not read if that is a trigger for you.

Holding my uniform, sitting on the edge of my bed, the soft fabric, twisting and pulling on my fingers.
I should be in ten forward having a drink with everyone, having fun.
But the past has a funny way of catching up with me.
Hopelessness.
The most isolating feeling in the world, as I replayed every conversation today.
Going over my words and picking apart my voice, every time I tried to lighten the mood, let the someone know I was listening, the world turned away from me.
These stupid, stupid all consuming thoughts.
Every time someone looked at me weird, spoke to me a different tone I noticed when it was probably nothing.
But what if it was directed at me?
Then there was fear, knowing these thoughts were in my head I feared counselor troi finding out, telling the captain.
I knew every feeling like this before as a child.
Then I had hope, that things will change, I can change my future.
Now I'm living it, and I failed.
Nothing's changed.
If anyone here knew what I thought, how I beat myself up for small things that they could easily dismiss as nothing, then they'd do what everyone else has always done since I was young.
Leave.
The only comfort I had was reminding myself, I mean nothing.
I am nothing.
I shouldn't ask for this attention because I don't deserve it, others need to heal before me.
It all seems so easy to let go, to walk away, and it's not like anyone might notice me.
I buried my head into my shirt, letting out the burning sobs stuck in my throat.
I don't want to be this anymore.
I don't want to hurt anymore.
The hardest part was tuning out the little voice of hope.
The little optimist in the back of my mind, that maybe someone would notice if I went.
The muffled beep of my comm badge pulled me away.
I quickly cleared my voice before answering, the captain calling me to the bridge.
I pulled out a different uniform, and hastily pulled it on hoping to conceal my sadness and plastering on my fake smile.
It had turned into an art now, so simple it fooled Data.
The bridge was deathly silent, not a soul except for the captain and myself.
My knees almost buckled underneath myself as I realized, the quiet sound playing over the speaker was me.
My sobs from only a moment ago, when my comm badge must have activated.
"I recognize those cries."
Picard stated, his back to me, as he turned it off.
"Captain, I apologize if I caused any distress it was never my intention-"
"I cried that way once, when I thought I was alone, and it seemed like it was all crashing down around me"
I closed my eyes as I fought back the tears, before the captain quickly pulled me into a hug.
"I don't think I know who I am anymore"
I stated through a broken voice.
"You don't have to be anything to keep moving"
"I feel all alone and I don't know what to do"
I held my shaking hands over my face, trying not to crumple maybe I could still hide and keep myself safe from anymore ridicule.
Picard pulled away from me gently, pulling my hands away from my face.
"Things can always change, they can always get better, I know when- when you're in that pit, that endless cruel and unforgiving pit, that you think you will never get out of this, and you'll never be loved again, you'll never be that happy, you can be, you always can be, but now you have to take one step forward"
"I can't do this alone"
"You won't, captains promise"