ℂ𝕣𝕦𝕖𝕝𝕥𝕪 | 𝕊𝕙𝕠𝕥𝕠 𝕋𝕠𝕕𝕠𝕣𝕠𝕜𝕚

fifty nine

I'm not sure if fate hates me or loves me at this point. I've been dealt continuously shitty hands in the never ending card game that is my life.

I still keep coming out on top, though.

Walking into Eri's hospital room, she's sitting on her bed and looking out the window. Her eyes catch mine and she flinches significantly.

She looks almost the same, long white hair and fear ridden eyes. She seems a little bigger, her hands and legs wrapped in bandages making me frown heavily.

Aizawa decides to introduce me, "Eri, this is Ikari Maindo. She's an ex-villain and future hero." I gave her a warm smile making her relax significantly.

"Hello, Eri." She observes me for a second with wide eyes, "Ikari?" My heart plummets when I realize she recognizes me. I walk towards her and take a seat at the chair beside her bed.

"But," She cuts her words off as she watches me take a seat, "Don't you work for the scary man?" She was referring to my deceased sperm donor. I shook my head with a frown.

"I did. My father used me." He used me and all I'd wanted was love. He used me and all I'd needed was a dad. She looked like she was deep in thought for a long second. "You're good now." It was almost as if she was saying it as a statement.

Her eyes flashed with what looked like relief, "I knew you were good." I felt my heart clench a little at the certainty in her voice. How could people keep saying that? Why would they lie like that?

I gave her a delicate smile, my face masking the pain I held at her words, "I'm so proud of you for staying strong." I put a tentative hand on hers.

She looked down at our hands for a second before she spoke in a tiny voice. "Ikari, I'm scared." I knew what that felt like. The fear of the unknown was a human emotion that constantly haunted me.

"That's okay. It's okay to be scared, Eri." She attempted a smile but it broke before it could become anything other than an attempt. She couldn't smile and the realization alone brought a tear to my eye.

I was scared too. Scared of letting everyone down and scared of putting everyone in danger again. I'd come a long way since the beginning of the year and I intended on uplifting those who were scared like me.

I had a terribly sad and fearsome childhood and—just like Eri—at some point, I couldn't smile.

I didn't smile until I met Shoto and I was sixteen by then. I didn't want that for her. I couldn't save her before but now I was going to pull her out of that darkness she was born into.

I'm going to make Eri happy if it's the last thing I do.

~~~

I don't get enough sleep.

Maybe that's an understatement because I'm currently sobbing my eyes out at three in the morning like I've been doing over the last couple of weeks.

I've been an emotional wreck and it's not a hormonal type of sadness. I feel like shit for being alive. A part of me feels like death is the only way out and the other part knows I can't do that to my friends, Shoto or Nem.

I've felt this way for as long as I can remember. It's a never ending cycle of emptiness. My father didn't want me and he was my goal. His love was my goal.

Without him, I feel like a boat without a sail. I have no direction in life.

I want to uplift others and fix my wrongs with a million rights but it doesn't feel enough. It feels like an endless pursuit of happiness to fix something I had foolishly done for love.