I hate to admit

Fucking feelings

Chan

"Yo Chan slow down that's like your 5th shot of Tequila." I downed my shot and glared at Changbin. "And your point?" I snarled. "What has gotten into you tonight." 

What has gotten into me tonight? It's simple, it's fucking raining outside and I hate it. It has been raining nonstop all day and now into the night.

"Bin, just go and work and finish the song. We are putting it up Friday, then our album will be coming out a month later." I sighed. "It's finished Chan, I did it earlier while you were off doing god knows what."

Where was I earlier?

Oh right, I hooked up with someone. Man was it good though, hearing her scream my name over and over again.

"Fine, just leave me alone then. I'll be fine tomorrow, tell Jisung to lay out the tracks for the album." I looked out the window, the rain falling down even harder now.

I heard the door close as Changbin left, we were currently in London working on our new album. Jisung thought it was a good idea to go somewhere new than stay around the same old shit and he was right. London was amazing despite the rainy days, the food was great, the pubs, the people, and so many of our fans.

Don't get me wrong I love doing what I'm doing and it's so much better now that I'm not a solo artist. I left my previous company to start my own and, in the process, I came across Jisung and Changbin and we made our own group with stage names.

Owning my company was becoming a hassle so I hired someone to manage it for me, I still owned it but none of the hard work falls on me and I can still focus on my music.

I met Changbin when I came back to Seoul after a tour, he was free style rapping on the streets, and I took him under my wing. He had never thought to go professional, but he gladly accepted my offer. He joined my company I was working at and then I had talked to him about starting my own company and he was right by my side.

Jisung was the best part, I found him in a small cafe in Malaysia while on tour. He was stuffing his face and he looked so fucking cute. I had approached him and introduced myself and turns out he was a big fan of mine, after talking for a bit I gave him my number and told him I would be there for a few more days. To my surprise he called me the next day and wanted to go out, so that's what I did. We went out, had fun and got to know each other and while we were at a bar there was karaoke and when he got up on that stage, I knew I had to have him.

Jisung was special to me in a way, he was pure and innocent, he was fucking attractive and cute. He was super shy and had social anxiety, but I help get him through the toughest of times. He had told me he had feelings for me once, but I had said I couldn't accept them, I didn't want to take any chances.

But that wasn't the real case, I told myself that I never would get into a relationship again.

He was hurt for a bit but then he let it go, he was strong, and he knew that I cared about him deeply.

"Chan! Please I'm sorry I didn't mean it."  "Of course, you did, you don't want to see me succeed. You hid the fact that this piece of mail right here can change everything, I can become bigger than I already am!" I threw the paper on the desk; I was seething now. He never wanted to help make my dream come true, all he wanted was to make sure he had someone so he wouldn't be alone.

"You're a real piece of work you know that. You can't stand to see me out and being a success, every night, every day my fans cheer for me and my music is bigger than ever now. You're just holding me back." I spat. "You never even give me a chance Chan; you keep me here because you're ashamed of me. You'd rather be out there with some random person attached to you than your own fucking boyfriend. Someone who dropped everything for you."

He did, and he shouldn't have.

I was coming into my music back then and everything was moving at a fast pace, my schedule was always packed. He knew that this wasn't going to be easy but yet he followed me anyways.

He almost ruined me.

But he was the first love I had ever experienced, and it was sweet and simple. He was...everything to me. I wasn't however going to give up my dream for love.

Definitely should not have taken that last shot, I can take my alcohol relatively well but the way my emotions were going right now did not mix well. I was angry and upset, maybe even a bit sad and nostalgic. Even though I hated the rain it still held a good memory, but there was also a darker memory that I try to keep at bay.

I was also very needy right now.

"Chan... can I come in?" Jisung's soft voice was heard from behind the door. No, you shouldn't come in, it's not a good idea.

"Of course, Ji." I spoke loud enough for him to hear.

We were currently in a condo just in the city of London, and we each had our own room. 

Before he entered the room, I had opened the door to my balcony welcoming the crisp night air and the sound of rain, the smell of rain was overpowering and refreshing though.

I stood there in the doorway to the balcony; I heard the door close as Jisung made his way over to me. "Binnie said you weren't doing too good. He told me not to disturb you, but I wanted to make sure you were okay." Jisung spoke softly.

Always worrying about me, how could I say no to him. "It's fine Ji, I'm okay though." I spoke.

I felt small arms wrap around my waist and realized he was hugging me from behind. He felt warm... it was nice.

"Jisung...I'm not in my right mind right now. I don't want to confuse you or hurt you, I know how you feel about me." I whispered pulling Jisung around and facing him.

His cheeks were puffed out and his eyes were soft, his brown hair was all tousled and it made him look so God damn adorable.

"I'm not some boy Chan, I can make my own decisions. Let me be there for you, it won't ruin anything I assure you." Jisung looked up at me so hopeful.

No, no, no.... my mind was screaming no but my body was saying otherwise. My heart however was conflicted.

"Jisung..."

It was too late Jisung kissed me, it was forceful and filled with hunger. I however was hungrier, I picked Jisung up his legs wrapping around me as I pinned him to the wall.

I could feel small droplets of water from the rain through the open door hitting my skin as I had Jisung by the doorway.

His hands tangle in my hair pulling me as close to him as possible, my own hands were up under his shirt grazing over his skin...his toned body felt amazing. "Mhmmm Chan, ahhh" Jisung moaned as I caressed his nipples.

"Is this what you wanted baby boy?" My voice was low and husky as I whispered in his ear, my lips left kisses up and down his neck. He let out soft whimpers as I bit down just by his collarbone, nibbling and sucking his skin.

"Y-yes, this feels so good. Please Chan." Jisung whimpered.

I pulled away to look at him, his eyes were filled with want and need. I gave in completely and took him over to the bed.

Throwing him down and hovering over him, "There's no turning back Jisung, tell me now if you want this or not. You know how I feel, and I don't want to hurt you." I spoke calmly caressing his cheek.

Leaning into the touch he brought his own hand up to my cheek and cupped it, 
"Chan, I know. I'm making the decision and I know what I want." Jisung smiled.

"Okay."