I hate to admit

A bit of the past

"Finally, you both are home. Did you too fuck yet?" Felix gave us the wiggled brows.

I just went on ahead upstairs to my room and slammed the door shut.

"Did I-i do something? I'm s-sorry." I could hear Felix downstairs crying. Yes, sound travels well in this house. "No Lix, you did nothing wrong." Minho, I assume by now wrapped him up in his arms.

No Felix you did nothing wrong, just me being so fucking pathetic that I can't get over him. The one person who I thought was going to love me forever, but it all got in the way. 

My dumbass can't find the strength to move on and let someone else try and love me, let myself love someone.

Why is love so contradicting?

I let myself fall on the bed and just laid there looking up at the ceiling, he's a big shot now. Always making music, going to parties, with someone new every day. Oh, what fun it must be to be able to fuck anyone you want, not having to stick to one person.

Fuck don't think about it Hyunjin. I thought to myself.

The last thing I need is to go in a downward spiral. It took everything in Minho to bring me back the last time. Minho...

He's great, he's fucking perfect so why can't I allow myself to love him, to return his feelings. It hurts keeping them bottled up inside, but it will hurt more if I just break free from suffering and let myself even just a bit to love him.

He wouldn't want me once he knew. Knew how fucked up I really am. 

I know he has his own dark past but so do I, not saying I'm comparing mine to his or anything, but I hate it. I'm sorry Minho.

Ugh, my head hurts. I slowly got up, I must have fallen asleep but it's still dark out, so I looked at the clock, 2am it read. I guess my dark thoughts put me to sleep.

I got out of bed and realized I was still in my clothes from earlier, so I stripped and found a pair of joggers and didn't bother with a shirt. I ran my fingers through my hair and then opened my door.

It was quiet and dark; everyone must have gone to sleep. I hope Felix didn't have too much trouble; I'll apologize to him first thing in the morning.

Making my way down the stairs and into the kitchen I opened the fridge and grabbed a water. I took several drinks and then put the lid back on setting it down on the counter.

I looked up and started to hear rain falling against the window, weird didn't think it was supposed to rain. I always found the rain soothing for some reason, others might think it dreary and depressing but not me.

I walked to the back door and slid it open letting the cool night air glide across my skin, even the smell of rain was refreshing. Here I was standing shirtless at the back door watching the rain fall, sticking my hand out just enough for the rain to hit my fingers.

I took a small step out onto the concrete pad; it was cool to the touch as I was barefoot. I wasn't out enough to let the rain fully drench me but just enough to enjoy it.

"You always did like the rain. Remember when we had our first kiss? It was down pouring, and you wanted to go inside but I said otherwise. So, I kissed you instead, we were drenched within seconds. But it was the most beautiful thing."

Is that why I liked the rain so much? That one perfect memory?

"Hyunjin. It's cold out you should come back inside." I heard Minho behind me.

I ignored him and just stood there with my hand outstretched, watching the rain drop off my hand.

"You know the rain...it soothes me. I just remembered why, but I shouldn't be happy about it." I spoke finally. "The rain means something different to everyone Jinnie." Minho replied softly.

I stood there for a few more seconds before turning around.

"Why don't you hate me yet? Every single time I hurt you, every time you tell me how you feel, and I just brush it off." My voice trembled.

Minho stood there before me just staring at me, I watched as his eyes trailed down my body and back up at me.

"Because, you have something that makes you suffer and doesn't allow you to be happy. Your past will always be there Hyunjin no matter what, it will never go away. I just hope one day you trust me enough to share your darkest memories with me. I know when I allow myself to you will be the first to know." Minho said gently taking a step towards me.

Should I burden him with my own darkness?

We have been in this together for years now, from acquittances to friends, throw partnership in the mix and to now. One of my best and closest friends, something that I was never allowed to have before.

"I had loved someone once Minho, and it broke me." I whispered, the rain almost drowning it out, but Minho was close enough to me now that he heard me. "You think I will hurt you, betray you? No one is perfect Hyunjin, and they make mistakes, but I would never hurt you." Minho replied looking at me.

Thats what they all say though.

He said those same words once, and then again and again. Each time I fell for it and each time broke me even more. It wasn't until he completely shut me out, just forgot about me that I realized he never meant any of it.

"Everyone says that, but they don't mean it." I looked away. "There will always be hardships but there will also be times when everything will be in the light. I want to be the light in your darkness Hyunjin." Minho placed his hand on my cheek turning my head to face him. "I'm scared Min. I lost three years of my life, one year being stuck in the hospital while recovering and the other two because I was so depressed, they stuck me in a psych ward afraid that I would try to kill myself. That was the last thing I wanted; I knew it wasn't going to solve anything and when they realized that they let me go. Then I found you."

We found each other, all three of us.

Felix is like the little brother I never had, I was an only child and no parents. They died in an accident, and I grew up in a nice family that couldn't have children. After I grew up and went through most of high school, dropping out I never looked back and never went back home.

"Hyunjin...this is the first step. Sharing bits and pieces is a good start and I hope you can find it in you to continue doing so. I'm not going to give up" Minho said with determination.

And he never will.

"Let me come to you then. Don't confess to me every god damn day." I chuckled. "Alright, deal." Minho smiled.

I watched him lean in and he kissed me on the forehead.

"There will be a day you know when I'll actually kiss you." Minho smirked.

I just shook my head and we both went back inside.