I hate to admit

As fate would have it

Chan

Even after the night with Jisung everything seems different now.

Only two more days until we start up our work with the Danceracha boys, I'll have to see Hyunjin everyday until everything is said and done. Somehow, I don't think things will end very well, Minho knows about me, but does he know everything? He warned me, does he really think I'll go after him again? Hyunjin was the past and something I'd like to completely forget about.

Now even Jisung seems to be forgetting about me, about his feelings for me. I should be happy in all things regardless, but I guess it felt nice to have someone want me, to have someone there wanting to hold you, kiss you and tell you everything is going to be alright. Now even that will be gone, right now I don't even want to go out and just find some random person to sleep with, I'm not getting any younger but at the same time I don't think I'm suited for the relationship status.

"You know when I make it big, you're going to be right there by my side, I couldn't have done any of this without you. I knew there was a reason I fell for you Hyunjin."

"Channie, everything will be alright. You have your whole life ahead of you and so much more to make way in your career and I will be there every step of the way."

The start of my career and Hyunjin was my everything, my rock and he told me every day that everything would be okay. We had each other and I thought that's all that mattered, fuck where did it all go wrong?

I don't even know how things are going to turn out now.

I guess life is funny in a way.

Call it fate or destiny fuck maybe even karma at this point, I think my life has it in for me.

"Chan, you good?" Changbin asked me from across the table. "Yeah, fucking fantastic." I rolled my eyes. "Well, no need for the sarcasm bitch. Will working with them be weird or whatever considering you and Hyunjin..." "It's fine, its history anyways. We are professionals so let's just put any personal shit to the side until everything is done. Soon enough we will work with them and complete our album. This is the topping on the cake Bin, let's not fuck it up."

Changbin shut his mouth and went back to eating his breakfast, few minutes later Jisung came downstairs and watched him go to the kitchen to get his breakfast. I couldn't help but let my eyes follow him, God he was so fucking adorable and I'm just now realizing it when it's too late.

Lost in my own thoughts again until I felt a warmth, I looked down and saw Jisung's hand resting on my thigh. I looked over at him and he was stuffing his face, his chubby cheeks filled with food and not a care in the world. I placed my own hand on his and squeezed it, all I could do was watch him.

"Oh! I remembered I have to go out later, we aren't doing anything are we?" Jisung spoke up. "No, there's nothing going on until we meet the boys." I replied.

"Where are you going Ji?" Changbin asked eyeing him. "Just...meeting someone is all." Jisung smiled.

Meeting a certain freckled face cutie, I suppose.

I chuckled to myself and shook my head, taking my hand from Jisung's I got up and went back upstairs.

I sat down on my bed and pulled out my laptop, nothing gets me in a better mood than work. I had so many songs written and just sitting in files just waiting to be composed, to be produced and most importantly to be put out there for the word to hear.

I thought Jisung would be the one to have problems and not face me being able to completely reciprocate his feelings yet here I am feeling down, feeling...lonely.

Maybe all this time he was someone I was looking for.

"Chan." Looking up Jisung was standing in the doorway. "Not in the mood Ji." I spoke harshly.

Jisung stood there in the doorway before walking over to me, he closed my laptop shut and forced me to look at him. "And I don't fucking care. You can't just think I was going to wait for you, did I? Sure, I knew you didn't want anything serious, and I was okay with that. We took comfort in each other and that was fine, but remember when you said we should let each other go?" Jisung looked at me. Never have I seen him this way before.

Deep down I never wanted to let go.

"What's your point?" I snarled. "My fucking point is I am going to go hang out with Felix and have a good time, I'm not going to think about what could have been with someone who never really wanted me. And don't even give me crap about all the times you told me not get close to you because I would get hurt. I was hurting from the moment you rejected my feelings when I first told you. I acted fine but deep down I wasn't, I came to you and accepted the fact that the only way to ever get close to you was to sleep with you. Now you're going to act like the one who is hurt?"

I watched Jisung turn around and walk out the door.

For the first time I felt...something.