I hate to admit

He needs me

Minho

Oh, what a shit show my life has been the past few years, and I can't even complain about anything because I made it shit show on my own.

I don't even know where the fuck to begin.

I practically don't even a family anymore, I drove Felix away and I completely shut out Hyunjin and I have no fucking idea where he is.

I wasn't there when he needed me, I completely made him feel like I didn't give a damn about what was happening, I made him feel insecure and most importantly made him feel like I was siding with all the fans who were against him.

All the things they were saying about him even though I knew none of it was true but somewhere inside of me I couldn't help but believe it.

Hyunjin and I have been through so much together and the whole time underneath I was the bad guy. Without even realizing it I was the one hurting Hyunjin.

A year after everything I didn't even realize Felix wasn't around much anymore but in reality, I was the one who wasn't around.

I always said I had work to do and wouldn't be home until late, but I was never working. I had put a stop to all contracts and had turned away any eager artists wanting to work with us.

Simply we weren't Danceracha right now.

I stayed out at all hours of the night, if not at the studio dancing until my feet bled or until I couldn't stand up anymore or simply finding myself at a bar and literally contemplating my fucking life choices.

I never went as far as Chan did, I drank but never got drunk, I never did drugs and I never slept around. People hit on me all the time, but I never paid any mind to them, Hyunjin was my one and only and I hope our time will come again.

At that point I was staying out and never going home I stayed at a hotel, sleeping in, barely eating.

I was a fucking mess.

Two years and then I was a real fucking mess.

I had no contact with Jisung, Changbin or even Chan, the only thing I did know was that Felix was safe with Changbin. I still did keep up with all the news and social media and I was glad at least Felix wasn't completely alone.

I shut myself out, I went dark.

I'm not going to do into too much detail about my sad life right now when I know it's not important. All you need to know is I was a coward and an even bigger one than Chan ever was.

The biggest takeaway from these past few years is I was a coward and the one person that I love, I can only assume lost all hope in me, lost all trust in me.

After watching Chan's little speech on the tv I wouldn't blame Hyunjin for going after him, finding comfort in him even though from the looks of things Chan and Jisung were together.

I know damn well Chan would take Hyunjin in with open arms.

Hyunjin told me as much two years ago that he and Chan came to a head, they let their feelings be known to each other. They love each other but not in the way they used to.

And I was okay with that, I never wanted to know the details of their night together. Hyunjin spared me the details and only told me they talked things out and Hyunjin still holds a high power of hate for Chan though.

To this day, a few days after 3racha's announcement, Chan's statement I'm still locked away in my hotel room.

Standing in front of the mirror, my hair grew out a bit and my cheeks are sunken and hollow, bags under my eyes. I've had so many sleepless nights, at this point I don't think I have any more tears left in me to cry.

I brushed my teeth, washed my face and then took a shower. After my shower I got dressed but only in my favorite pair of sweats and hoodie, the ones Hyunjin always wore when he danced.

I went over to my bed and plopped down, I had left the balcony door open, and the curtains blew just a bit from the wind outside, another cloudy gloomy fucking day.

I then heard my phone go off.

I had pretty much blocked all my contacts; I had no idea if anyone as contacted me or not. No one definitely didn't bother me on social media after I announced on all platforms that I was myself taking a hiatus.

I had gotten a message from Jisung.

After all this fucking time someone decides to get a hold of me.

Long time no see, falling off the face of the earth doesn't do anything for you. You know Hyunjin trusted you right and you I think again basically laughed in his face. I don't care how long it's been Minho he needs you. He's not doing so good Minho, even Felix has gone to see him, I have been to see him. He has someone taking care of him Minho...a little too much if you know what I mean.  I suggest you get off your ass wherever the fuck you're at and go see him, he's surrounded by white walls Minho.

White walls...white walls...white walls.

White room.

Fuck.