I hate to admit

slipping

Everything was going as the practice session went, everything was going smoothly.

When I started after the music cued, I happened to look out and saw Minho sitting by Felix, I was genuinely relieved to see him. I held back my smile at seeing him because I was full in dance mode and had to act, the whole scene went better than expected especially with all the props and lightning.

Chan was more amazing; he was also in his mind set of a singer. His vocals were beautiful, and his visuals were just as amazing.

He also knew his acting.

I caught glimpses of the other boys, and their reactions were very mixed, shock, amazed, disappointed and Minho's however a bit of disgust.

I did my best to ignore Minho because I could not get distracted, and I know Minho definitely does not want to be here right now watching.

It felt like this scene was going on forever, but I know it was just in my head.

However, when the director yelled "cut!", "that was incredible!" I still stood in my place behind Chan and that's when the lights went out.

But I wasn't prepared for what came next.

I was pulled from behind and now standing in front of Chan, he had taken my hand that had grabbed his throat, and he slowly cupped my cheek.

Holding my cheek, I dared to look up at him and with the only light source coming from a dim overhead light I caught a glimpse into Chan's eyes that held every emotion possible.

This agonizing amount of time was in slow motion, and it felt like everything around me or us had stopped.

It felt like the first time Chan ever held me and how he cared back then. But now he was looking at me with fear, hatred, guilt, shame, and most of all love.

I hate him so fucking much right now and it sucks, because somewhere way down buried 6 feet under there is a tiny silver of feeling still there.

I can't even imagine what's going through Minho's mind right now. I know it had to of taken a lot for him to come back in here and watch us shoot this scene.

I felt Chan's lips on mine, and I instantly froze, I tensed up and couldn't move. I have no idea what the fuck to do, everything inside of me was screaming to push him away, to hit him or something anything.

No, I was standing here and letting it happen like the bitch that I was.

Then the lights turned on.

Chan had this planned all along, even though it was dark, and he kissed me I can only assume he had some way of putting this into the scene.

When Chan finally pulled away, I could hear a loud mouthed Changbin in the background shouting something and Felix was actually swearing, Jisung was too stunned, and Minho was well...I don't even know.

"Brilliant Chan! Always going above and beyond." The director shouted.

My feet finally decided to move, and I stormed off that stage so fucking fast I didn't even give him a chance to say anything to me.

"Hyunjin!" Felix yelled.

I couldn't look back at any of them, I kept moving not even sure where the fuck I was going.

I was now outside, and I didn't even realize I had made it this far, I was in the parking lot when I just finally felt the chill, the coldness, the wetness...fucking rain.

"Bloody fucking hell!" I yelled at the top of my lungs.

This weather can seriously kiss my ass.

I guess the weather matches my mood now, I was so hyped to be doing this shoot even though it was with Chan. I just wanted to dance and that was it.

It was a straight down pour, and the thunder was heard in the distance but was gradually making its way closer and closer.

All I want is for Minho to come and get me, I want him to yell at me, I want him to tell me everything will be okay, and we will get through whatever comes next.

But no, I was standing in the middle of the parking lot in the cold ass fucking rain. I was drenched and I could feel the cold seep all the way to my bones and as I stood there shivering all I wanted to do was be back in that small white room.

The white room that I put myself in, the one I sat in and starred at the walls hoping that I had it in me to take my own life.

Call me dramatic but for the longest time I thought Chan was the love of my life and we were going to be together forever. Being in a loving relationship to a flat-out toxic one was not how I had my future planned out. We were meant to stand by each other and support one another in their career.

I however left mine behind to follow Chan in his, I still danced but not for a living.

I'm not going to explain our relationship again and how scarred it left me; I'm just going to say that I should have fought harder for our relationship.

I kept a crucial part of Chan's career from him, a small white envelope that he got in the mail. It was something that defined his career and I almost ruined that for him.

So maybe in some way it was completely my fault.

In the end it was clear Chan changed, and I knew that it wasn't just me. Fame changes people.

I owe my fucking life to Minho and who knows, I might have just messed that whole thing up. Minho fought so hard for me, and I always pushed him away, in the end I hope he can see past this.

Minho was my saving grace back in that white room.

He found me, he listened to me. One of my 'better' days in that place I found myself in a singing mood and he happened to pass by.

"Oh, my fucking god."

I can still hear his voice clear as day, he stood in the doorway, and I was halfway through my song when I noticed him standing there listening to me.

"Can you please leave."

My exact words I had said to him when I saw him standing there. I can still see his face clear as day too, all he did was smile and he wasn't even bothered.

But it wasn't just that day, I had seen him multiple times throughout months of me being there and for the first time my mind wasn't completely filled with thoughts of Chan.

It's funny when I think of it, you all probably thought Minho found me because of dancing but no. That however is a story for a different day.

I love you Minho.

I wanted to keep that thought in my head, I wanted to not think of Chan, I wanted to not think of my sad tragic days and nights in a cold white windowless room.

I wrapped my arms around myself self and sank to the ground, as silly as it may seemed of just a kiss, I knew everything was going to be different.

My mind went dark, and my body was ready to cave in on itself. I was going into a dark place now and I just hope I can come back from it; I don't even know if I'll have Minho to save me now.

I was slipping away.