I hate to admit

Lying and loving

After I got home, I went straight to my room and threw myself on the bed. All I wanted to do was hide, curl up in a ball and cry.

If it would have been just me and him, I would have immediately turned around and left, but all of us were there and I didn't want to make things uncomfortable.

He was trying so hard to act nice and be kind, at the same time however I could tell he was hiding his true self underneath it all. Do the other two not know anything about how he is or is he just that good of an actor? Either way I can't wait to see how things unfold.

I don't even know how long it was before the boys got back, I wasn't really watching the time, nor did I care. I really hope Minho has an explanation for me though, he knew something and chose to hide it.

I finally heard the front door open, and I could already hear Felix, he seemed excited still as he was shouting downstairs. "I really got his number!" I could hear Felix saying over and over again, his voice becoming clearer as he walked up the stairs.

"Hyunjin!!!" Felix shouted my name. 

Soon enough he burst through the door and flung himself on me.

"Ooof! Felix." I groaned.

Felix pulled back a little and a look of so many things ran across his face, most of all he looked ashamed. "Lix, it's okay. You just took me by surprise is all." I cupped his cheek. "I didn't upset you?"  "No, you didn't, so don't get upset okay. You were all excited when you walked through the door. Now tell me what happened?"

Felix went on and on about his interaction with Jisung and how he asked for his number. It was rather cute seeing him like this and I'm happy for him. Maybe Jisung was the one Minho was talking about for Felix, he kept saying he had someone in mind.

"I'm happy for you Lix, you deserve it." I smiled. "What's wrong Jinnie?" Felix asked with concern. "It's...nothing for you to worry about okay, I won't put my problems on you." "But you know I'm here for you right?" "Of course, I do, it's nothing serious okay. Just focus on you and besides next week we will be busy with work. I know you're excited about working with them."

Felix smiled lightly and wrapped his arms around me in a big hug. "You come first Jinnie, but don't tell Minho that." Felix giggled. "I won't Lixie." I giggled myself.

After a while Felix left and went to his room, he's too precious. I'll try my best not to let my problems get in the way, Felix does not need to worry about them.

"Minho." I stood in front of his bedroom door that was slightly ajar. "Oh Hyunjin. Come in." Minho replied.

I opened the door and walked in closing the door behind me, I walked over to Minho. He was just sitting on his bed, his laptop was next to him, but it wasn't turned on. He usually always has his face in that thing but there it is next to him opened but the screen was black, it was as if he was going to use it but forgot about it.

"Did you know the whole time?" I asked. "No. I just recently figured it out, and yet I didn't say anything." Minho replied refusing to make eye contact with me. 

I can't recall ever telling him his name, but at the same time there's a lot of stuff I didn't want to remember.

"I remember once you had mentioned his name, it took me a bit to figure it out, but I did. I knew this was going to be a risk, but I took it, I looked at it as an opportunity Hyunjin." Minho spoke. "It's funny I can't ever remember mentioning his name, but I know I could have. I wish I could say 'don't you know what he put me through', but I can't. There's still a lot you don't know, but you know enough that this was going to hurt me."

Minho finally looked up at me.

He felt guilty and it showed, he knows this was a risk. I want to be mad at him, I want to shout at him, but it wouldn't do any good.

"Hyunjin, I took this chance knowing that it could be the end for us before it even began and I'm sorry." I could see Minho's eyes start to water.

Fuck.

"I'm not angry but I do think we should put us on pause. I know it took a lot for us to get here but we both still have so many secrets." I spoke. "I suppose we do." Minho looked away.

I sat down next to Minho and took his hands in mine, "I know you love me Minho, it's evident by your actions. I would be a fool not to see it, I tried to push my feelings for you aside, but they kept seeping through. I didn't want to love anyone again, but you were bringing love back to me and I'm grateful for that as hard as it is. It would be cruel to ask for you to wait for me again, please don't. I don't want to put you through that again."

I couldn't tell what he was thinking right now but he surprised me.

I felt his lips on mine, and they were as soft as a feather, it took me by surprise and as much as I wanted to not let this happen, I couldn't help it.

I moved my own lips against his and it was like we were in sync; the kiss was full of emotions and overwhelming. I wrapped my arms around his neck, and he pulled me into his lap as he deepened the kiss.

I know I couldn't let it get any farther than this, but I knew when to let go. Minho was so patient with me and now he will have to be again, will it last this time though.

We had a very heated kiss and I wanted it to go further but I had to stop it. I pulled away, our faces were still inches apart and we were both breathing heavily. I looked up at Minho and I could see his tears, they had finally escaped.

"You know I will wait for you Hyunjin." Minho breathed.

"I don't deserve you Minho." My voice was shaky, my own tears threatening to escape.

It feels like we are saying goodbye, but no one is going anywhere.

"No Hyunjin, I don't deserve you."

I pulled Minho towards me and gently pressed my lips to his, it was a kiss to remember. It wasn't a goodbye kiss but simply an I'll be waiting for you kiss. It was for both of us, until we can be ready for one another.

"Let's get through this, I don't want to fight or argue because I don't think I have it in me." I pressed my forehead against his.

"Okay. The last thing I want is for us to be on bad terms, I wouldn't have it in me to keep you pushed away from me. No matter our relationship, I need you in my life Hyunjin." Minho whispered.