I hate to admit

Let go

Jisung

"Channie..." I whispered as I entered the room.

It was dark and Chan was just lying there on his bed still in his clothes from the concert, I wondered if he even got any sleep or rest.

Earlier backstage meeting all three of the boys everything seemed off, the obvious tension between Chan and Hyunjin...and Minho's vibe was weird too. The only one not bothered by anything was Felix, and damn was he the cutest thing ever.

Chan said he had shit from his past and he said he wasn't a good person to be with, I wonder if his past with Hyunjin the reason was I have seen him in his darkest moments.

"Jisung I'm sure you want answers, but I don't have it in me to give you any." Chan said in a tiresome voice. "Chan I'm not going to let you push me away anymore. I know it's late but ever since earlier you have been in a mood not to mention the day you disappeared after seeing Hyunjin's picture." I replied.

That day Chan was different, sure he goes off and either gets drunk and disappears for few hours or finds some random new person to be with for the night, but this time was different. I could tell this was bigger than he was letting on, sometimes I will be there for him when he returns home, and I'll try to comfort him. There are times when he completely shuts me out and not even Changbin can get through to him and as much as I hate it, I always find myself wanting to be there for him.

Makes me look stupid and desperate right?

"As you know now yes Hyunjin and I dated, it was in high school, and he didn't even get to finish school. He dropped out for me; we went off to live together. He wanted to join me in my career, he wanted to see me succeed. He even put off his own dream for mine, eventually I changed, and I thought he was holding me back when in reality I was holding him back and almost ruined his chance of ever becoming a dancer." Chan started to explain.

His voice became shaky, and his eyes were filled with water.

"I'm not who you think I am Jisung."

Something bad must have truly happened, Chan rarely shows his emotions.

"Chan, you don't have to tell me everything right now but just know I am here." I wrapped my arms around Chan. "You shouldn't be, I'm nothing great Jisung. I let fame overtake me and it changed me. It wasn't until I met you and Changbin that I could start feeling like myself again and even now I'm still not who I used to be." Chan sniffled.

This is truly breaking my heart. I've never seen Chan like this, he is vulnerable right now.

"It's okay Channie you don't need to talk about it right now, you should get some rest okay. Take a few days before we have to start working." I rubbed circles on his back trying to comfort him.

"Stay with me." Chan whispered.

Chan pulled away from my embrace and looked at me, I could see the tear stains on his cheeks from the moonlight shining through the window.

I know Chan always made it his goal to make me steer clear of him, but he always failed, I always wanted to see the good in him. He was just someone who was broken on the inside and just needed someone to be there for him. He needed to know there was someone there for him, someone who wouldn't turn their back on him.

And I wasn't about to do that, not ever.

When he wants too, he can tell me his story.

I know he wants to be the bad guy; he wants me to know that, so I could stay away from him, but it has never worked.

Before I knew it Chan kissed me, and I didn't quite know how to take it. Usually, it was always me trying to initiate things between us but not this time.

And me being me gave in.

Soon enough our kiss turned into a heated make out session and my shirt was now on the floor with Chan's following. Chan soon picked me up and laid me down on the bed, he was now hovering over me. His hands were already on the waistband of my pants and his mouth was on my neck.

This was escalating quickly.

"Chan..." I spoke up.

His mouth soon moved down my neck and began sucking the skin just below my collarbone and it felt good. He continued to move down and soon enough I let out a moan as he began sucking on my nipple, his hand travelled down and slipped inside my boxers.

My back arched as soon as he grabbed my dick.

"Ah...Channie." I moaned.

"Keep saying my name baby boy." Chan smirked as he looked up at me.

Chan kept his eyes on me as he continued to stroke my dick, it's as if he wanted to watch my reactions. He wanted to watch me become undone, and that's what I was doing.

He knows how to get me each time, he knows all my sweet spots and my weaknesses.

Soon enough he took his hand out and my pants along with my boxers were on the floor faster than I could blink. Chan stood up and took his own off, now we were both naked and I was laying there underneath him as he took me all in.

Seemed like in a way we both needed it, Chan needed to let go and forget about everything, and I however just wanted to be there with Chan. 

But I myself wanted to forget something.

Those freckles and that perfect smile...

I couldn't let myself think about anyone else but Chan. But somehow, I kept seeing his face.

"Jisung...we can't keep getting into this position. I don't want to hurt you, you mean a lot to me, and I wouldn't be able to stand it if you got hurt by me." Chan turned on his side to look at me.

We went for a good hour at least and finally thought it was good to rest now, both of us just lying here with our still naked bodies.

"If I get hurt then it's on me Chan, I know okay. I won't let this get in the way of things, we have our arguments and what not but, in the end, it turns out okay." I cupped his cheek. "This is different now; I am being selfish right now." Chan whispered.

Selfish...

"You know what I was thinking just now, I was thinking about someone else." I spoke. "That someone being a cute, freckled face angel?" Chan chuckled.

Ugh of course he would know.

"It's okay Sung, we are not lovers, we are not boyfriends. We are simply two people taking comfort in one another, you are one of my closest friends. Shit happens Jisung, and I know you won't let this get between us and work, we are in this together, okay? I just know how you get after your breakups." Chan said with a sad smile.

"Don't remind me." I groaned. "Maybe this will be good though, maybe you can let go of me." Chan looked at me. 

Maybe.

Chan wrapped me up in his arms and we both drifted off to sleep. For the first time Chan opened up to me and I will always be there for him. But for the first time I wasn't completely falling for him like I usually do.

Maybe it is time to let go.