I hate to admit

Save me

"What do you think Leebit? Someone might want it." I sighed looking at the painting in front of me.

I mean I have been doing good actually, my paintings have been selling. But not enough yet to quite make a living off of.

My latest one however is on the sadder side of things, I guess that's where my mind has been lately though.

No matter how cheery or bright colors I try to use, everything just seems blah to me.

I finished off the painting, cleaned up and then took a picture and posted it online.

It's only been a few days since I've been doing this, and I've sold at least 3 paintings but nonetheless I still gotta keep going.

After I posted it online not even a few minutes later someone was interested in it.

The person was anonymous, however.

"Well, that was fast." I mumbled to myself.

Seems like they want to pick it up in a few days, a few quick messages between the buyer and myself they offered me a price before I even gave one and it was a generous one at that.

Someone was at my door, the knocking brought me out of my thoughts.

Leebit was already hissing, must be Chan.

"Leebit always hisses when you're near." I chuckled.

Chan was standing in front of me.

"I wanted to be alone for a reason Chan hence the ignoring you part." I stepped aside letting him in.

I closed the door behind me as Chan walked over to the couch.

"Well sorry if I was worried about you baby. Jisung actually made me come and check on you, he's seen you've been busy with your painting." Chan motioned to the one I just painted.

"Yeah, well right now dancing is off the table, this is keeping me somewhat sane." I spoke.

"I missed your drawings, your art. Didn't know you were into painting though, it suits you." Chan smiled.

Chan had seen me dabble in drawings and I would doodle sometimes in my notebooks and wherever there was an empty space on a piece of paper.

"How are you doing?" Chan asked.

"How do you think Chan? I don't really want to go down that road, I think I've had enough shit to deal with." I sat down on the couch.

Chan sat down next to me but immediately pulled me into his lap.

"What are you doing?" I growled.

"Jinnie, I know London didn't go as planned and Jisung feels really bad about it. You still have us though, even Felix. Felix had mentioned that Minho hasn't been himself lately and has been more of an ass, something happened back in London with him." Chan titled my chin up so I could look at him.

"Please I don't want to argue Channie." I sighed.

I know Chan means well and I hate sometimes how good he has been to me lately; he's not my boyfriend and I wish he was with his own rather than with me.

"Go back to Jisung Chan." I spoke.

I went to stand up, but Chan just pulled me back down.

"Please just leave me alone." I started to tear up.

"You know I'm never going to leave you alone; I'm not going to abandon you ever again. I still have a part to play Jinnie. Together or not you'll always have me." Chan spoke softly.

Chan pulled me in and kissed me gently.

He wiped my tears away.

"I know I'm not Minho and I'll never be, I'll never be who you need. I wasn't the greatest over the years, I'll never be able to fix what I did. You can't give up yet Hyunjin." Chan pressed his head against mine.

"You're hear now but you shouldn't be. You know I love you Channie, and I honestly appreciate you being here with me and for me. But I don't know if I can keep on going, I think I lost Minho for good." I buried my face in the crook of Chan's neck.

I'm pretty sure I did lose Minho.

I probably lost him the minute he told me to take that free pass all those years ago even if we did make up, there was too much shit going on.

"Chan, don't leave me." I whispered.

"Never." Chan replied.

I must have dozed off because I felt groggy and tired still, it was dark outside, but I saw a flash of lightning outside.

I was still on the couch; Chan was beside me and I was wrapped up in his arms and even Leebit was lying on the arm rest just above my head.

I heard the soft roar of thunder in the distance, and I knew in at least an hour or so a storm will be here.

"Hyunjin you, okay?" Chan kissed my head.

"Mhmm, I guess I knew a storm was coming and woke up." I spoke.

"Do you need anything?" "No, I'm fine, just don't let me go." "You know I wouldn't, I know you normally would push me out and fight me. Something is up with you." Chan turned me slightly, so I was looking at him.

"I just feel like if you leave now, I don't know what will happen." I whispered.

I honestly don't know what would happen, I've tried once before, and I didn't go through with it no matter how close I was.

It was sitting right in front of me, but Jisung saved me.

Chan is here now, and I hope he can save me.

I wish Minho could see me, see me as someone he could fall for and not just be friends. Memory or no memory, why can't he see me?

I can be good enough right?

I'm not damaged or broken right?