I hate to admit

Hiding away

Jisung

God ever since I met Felix things have been so great and he has been just the thing I needed in order to forget Chan or at least attempt to anyways.

I've been in plenty of relationships before and all ended badly not even lasting that long but Chan however was my first love. Call me crazy I know, I knew from the start how he was, I knew the player that he was, I knew the drunken side of him too.

From the moment I told him how I felt about him and how he immediately rejected me, I showed him that it didn't hurt me but deep down it did. I never mentioned that to him until recently, just as soon as I was getting into something with someone, he wanted to tell me how he felt, he wanted to show that he was jealous.

Now I can't help but feel bad for him and I don't want too. Being my first love, he will always be my first love and I'll have those feelings for years to come.

I still find myself going to him and trying to comfort him, I wish I could stop myself from doing so but it is hard. Even though Felix and I aren't in a relationship yet but looks to be headed that way I still find myself kissing Chan.

He's always so sweet to me especially when we were alone, the other night was one night where we fought badly and to some it might not even have looked that bad. For us however it was a first, whenever he was in a bad mood, I would always go to him and comfort him even when he told me to go the fuck away.

I however never listened and maybe I should have.

I was currently in my bedroom scrolling through my phone and looking at all the cute pictures of Felix on his Insta, I have never seen him pictured with anyone but Minho or Hyunjin.

I know I have told him that he can't be posting anything with or about me and he totally understood that but at the same time I feel bad. We have become really close the last couple weeks and it has been great. I should be telling him about my sort of relationship with Chan, but I feel like that would ruin things completely.

Yet again my mind wanders to Chan, all the fucking time.

I travelled downstairs as I was feeling peckish and as I reached the bottom of the stairs, I realized how awfully quiet it was in the house. Changbin was out somewhere, and Chan was home, but I haven't seen him in a bit.

I decided to go down to the studio in the basement.

Now I know why it was quiet.

The studio was soundproof, but I knew all too damn well that Chan was working on something. I opened the door, and I could hear the music pouring out and it was emotional and sad.

Chan was never the one to let people hear this side of him, we barely have emotional songs on any of our albums.

There was pain in his voice, and it made my heart hurt.

I tried to hide away from all the sorrow and pain

But little did I know that I was going insane

The sun will always be there waiting after the rain

"Chan?" I asked.

Chan looked up at me and the music stopped, "Oh uh Ji...hey."

"Ugh it's raining out yet again. What is up with this freaking weather already." I threw my hands up.

I walked further into the room, there were crumpled up paper balls everywhere on the floor. Seems like he was writing for a while.

"Did you hear all that?" Asked Chan.

"Sort of, the last few lines. It was beautiful but there's a pain in your voice." I spoke. "I guess there is, just me being the pathetic asshole that I am putting my feelings onto paper." Chan replied.

He closed the book he was writing in and put it to the side, makes me wonder what else he has written in their if he can come up with that.

God his voice was beautiful. His vocals were just as mesmerizing as his rap.

"You've been hurt Chan I know, but eventually everything gets better. Putting your feelings out there is just another step." I looked at him.

He has seen better days that's for damn sure, and damn why do I want to comfort him. In all honesty he doesn't deserve me anymore, just hearing him sing those few lines reeled me back in.

I have no doubt that he must have been remembering his past with Hyunjin, I would really like to know what fucking happened to them. It seems like a touchy subject, and I could ask Hyunjin, but I doubt he would be as useful as Chan would be.

"Jisung, I have been hurt but I also did the hurting." Chan whispered almost that I didn't hear him.

"Don't push me away, that's all I ask for okay. Whatever this is between us just know that I am here. You need someone to talk to, someone to hear you out. You can be an ass and a total player, but I know you hide behind all that." I replied.

Chan walked over to me and wrapped his arms around me, he was hugging me, and it was...weird but not in a bad way.

The only time we were ever close was when we were sleeping together, this was nothing like that. He was just hugging me; it was a warmth that I've always wanted from him.

"I'm sorry I realized you too late Sungie." Chan whispered.

"Me too." I whispered back.