I hate to admit

I am no good

Chan

Well, that was an interesting night, never even got to talk much about work which I was okay with but still the faster we get things done the more I don't have to see Hyunjin around.

Changbin had gone off to the studio no doubt working on things for our album or whatever else he is working on and Jisung went off to his room as happy as could be.

I wanted to go and work myself but for a change I couldn't bring myself to and not only that, but I didn't even feel like going out and getting drunk or hell just getting laid. Instead, I just went to my own room and threw myself on my bed.

Looking up at the ceiling I couldn't help but let my mind wander...wander to places that I never wanted to remember again.

"Who were you out with?" I asked. Hyunjin had just gotten back from something that he failed to mention to me until last minute.

"What? Am I not allowed to go out?" Hyunjin growled. "I just want to know who you're with and what you're doing is all. You know you have to be careful out there especially being with me, people know we are together, and I can't be having rumors flying around about my fucking boyfriend."

Hyunjin just sighed and walked towards the bedroom slamming the door behind him.

Yet another memory, for fuck sakes they have been more frequent lately and I fucking hated it. Hyunjin sure does know me well though, he knows Jisung and I have been 'together' and he knows I have some sort of feelings for him. He's right though, I am very annoyed while Hyunjin and Minho are together but even more so when Jisung is with Felix.

I always questioned Hyunjin every time he went out and eventually, I put a stop to that as I told him I'd break up with him if he went out and he loved me too much for me not to break up. I guess that's where things started to get shittier between us all because I didn't want rumors or any scandals going on not to mention I didn't want him being with anyone other than me.

Which was even worse.

All I did was keep him locked up pretty much and I was out doing God knows what.

I was the piece of shit but yet none of my fans cared nor the media, they all put me in the light as this amazing singer and rapper. I was the famous celebrity who blew up in an instant, my music and my career were becoming bigger by the day and my fans along with my followers. Sure, people knew I was seeing Hyunjin, but they also knew I went out and did whatever the fuck I wanted to do and Hyunjin got hurt in the process and eventually was seen as the pathetic boy who just wanted attention. No one saw me as the bad guy just someone who pitied him...felt sorry for.

I know I was a big problem in our relationship, but I also thought Hyunjin ruined me completely.

Suddenly I heard a knock on the door.

"Come in." I mumbled not sure if they heard me or not.

Soon enough the door opened up and there stood Jisung.

"Can I come in?" Jisung spoke. I nodded and he came in closing the door behind him and sitting down next to me.

"Chan are you okay?" Asked Jisung. "I'm fine Ji, no need to worry about me." I spoke. "Chan, I like Felix and I mean really like and I hope to God something can become of it. I know you're upset with me and that's fine, I may not know fully what your past was, but I wanted to be there for you, and you always wanted to push me away."

I did and now I am too. late.

"Jisung you don't need to explain yourself, and I hope you and Felix can get together." I looked up at him. I was still laying down on my bed and Jisung was next to me, I could tell he was confused about everything, about his feelings.

"I want some sort of relationship with him Chan, but I want everything cleared up between us first. You know my feelings for you and how much I've always tried to be there for you, I know you care about me too and we have slept together multiple times, and it always made me fall harder for you." Jisung explained.

I never wanted to admit it myself, but every time Jisung came to me trying to comfort me I did try to push him away, but I never really tried too hard because I wanted him to be by my side.

And he's right, I myself grew closer to him.

"I came to my senses too late and now you're happy with someone else." I sat up. "I wish I could say you weren't too late but..." "No buts Ji, don't try to comfort me. I am an asshole and it's good that you found someone. I never would have wanted it to happen again...especially with you."

Jisung looked at me puzzled and I could understand why but I didn't really want to get into it either because that would mean I'd have to bring up my past with Hyunjin and that was not about to happen right now.

"What do you mean Chan? Never wanted what to happen again?" Jisung spoke softly. Jisung turned to face me and scooted closer to me.

"What I mean is I had a bad relationship before, and I'd rather not have history repeat itself." I lowered my head sighing.

It fell silent and I felt like it was going to go on forever, I know Jisung wasn't stupid.

"You mean with Hyunjin." Jisung spoke up.

"I was a piece of shit Jisung, you don't really know me not fully anyways. Right now, I'm not going to get into things, and I hope you understand." I replied getting up and walking towards the door.

Jisung got up and walked towards me, I had hoped he would get the vibe and leave but I should have known better than that.

Jisung closed the door and turned to face me.

"You're not going to push me away so easily Chan, you know you always cave when it comes to me. You don't have to give me a full explanation right now, but I hope someday you can. You're not a piece of shit okay I can attest to that. I may not have known you back then, but I know you now and now you're just a hard-working person who had a shitty past and just wants to make music and put it out there for the world to hear. You have your issues, but you care about us, me and Changbin. We are a family and there's no breaking that." Jisung looked at me.

How I wish he knew about my past then maybe he wouldn't try so hard to get close to me.

"You don't know what you're talking about, I'm the worst person there is."

"I don't think so."

Jisung walked closer to me and cupped my cheek, he wants to see the good in people, but I am no good.

"Everyone has scars Chan; everyone has a past. Someday you'll let me in, and I hope I will be there when you do." Jisung pressed his lips to mine in a sweet kiss.

It was the type of kiss that you know you want to last forever, the type of kiss that is like a last kiss.