Univeristy Confessions 2

[UE] I Killed the Man Who Loved Me So Much (Killed Him Slowly)

I Killed the Man Who Loved Me So Much (Killed Him Slowly)

My name is Lienne. 21 years old. They say I'm attractive. Maputi, medyo chubby pero marunong manamit, charming at matalino. I almost have it all. Friends, loving family, and bunch of admirers. Except for one thing; I am incapable of loving.

It all started when I was 16. I noticed na yung mga ka-age ko, they have crushes and boyfriends. But I never had a crush on someone nor did I ever like a boy. Marami namang nanliligaw sa akin but I never felt giddy or excited. So I thought, maybe the guys around my age were too immature for me kaya wala akong nagugustuhan. I started dating college guys. Wala namang naging problema because I didn't look my age then. I was mature in terms of looks, mindset and actions.

Nagtuloy-tuloy ang pakikipag-date ko sa mga lalaki, hoping I could also feel the so called "butterflies in stomach" but I failed. Wala talaga eh. Some guys pique my interest but it doesn't last a week. Madali akong magsawa. There was even a time na naka-tatlong boyfriend ako in a month. One after another. Fuckgirl kumbaga. You can judge me however you want, dahil wala naman talaga akong kwenta.

Then there was this guy. I met him around February, year 2016. You can call him Rome, his nickname. He was taking PolSci. He's not bad looking, although not very handsome. Tall, around 5'11 siguro. And I really liked his eyes, parang palaging galit. I was challenged. Medyo masungit kasi siya. I started flirting with him. As a Psychology student, we study human behavior, so I used that to my advantage.

Years of dating guys, I learned how to seduce them and how to make them fall for me. The right gestures, right words and right actions. I succeeded. Naging boyfriend ko siya on April 19, 2016. He was a sweet guys. Very smart and witty. Seryoso siya most of the time but when with me, he was always laughing. He said he really loved my sense of humor. He successfully maintained my interest on him for months. I thought he was already the one. He made me feel excited and the "kilig factor".

But feelings change and fade away. O siguro sa case ko lang. Almost six months of dating him, unti-unting nawala yung excitement ko sa relasyon naming dalawa. He was enough. Alam ko sa sarili kong walang problema sa kanya. Ako lang talaga. And so I did the most painful thing a woman could to a man who loves her. I cheated on him. I started going to clubs again. Nakikipag-make out sa kung kani-kanino. Nakikipag-date sa iba habang kami pa ni Rome.

There was even a time that I had sex with a guy I met at a bar. I was very drunk pero alam ko ang ginagawa ko. I knew Rome was aware of everything I did. I knew na nahalata niya ang panlalamig ko sa kanya. I don't reply to his messages and calls anymore. I expected him to leave me. He did not. He said he really loved me. Nag-lie low ako sa pakikipagkita sa ibang lalaki. I was guilty.

December 2016, bago mag-pasko, nalaman kong buntis ako. 2 months. Rome was not the father. It was the guy I met in the bar and I had sex with. Sinabi ko kay Rome yun, nage-expect na iwan niya ako. Umiyak siya sa harap ako. I saw how much pain I caused him pero parang nawalan na din ako ng pakiramdam. Sarili ko na lang ang inalala ko. How I am supposed to continue with my life while I am pregnant? I will bring shame to my family.

Halos isang linggo kong hindi nakita si Rome. But he came to my condo on New Year's Eve, begging me to take him back. Sabi niya hindi na ulit siya mawawala, that he will take care of me and the baby. Pananagutan niya daw ako kahit hindi naman siya ang ama. Being the selfish woman I was, I took him back. But not because I love him. Para lang may makasama ako sa kamiserablehan ko. Tumira si Rome sa condo ko so he could watch over me and the baby. Siya na ang pinaglinis ko at pinaglalaba ko kahit pwede naman akong tumawag ng housekeeper. Siguro dahil galit ako sa sarili ko kaya pati siya nadadamay.

Palagi ko siyang inaaway ng walang dahilan. Sinasampal ko siya kapag naiinis ako tapos dun ko siya sa sala pinapatulog kahit walang aircon dun. Tiniis niya lahat 'yun. Then one time, sinadya kong magpadulas sa CR. I think it was January 25 or 26. I woke up in the hospital. May bandage ako sa ulo kasi tumama yung noo ko sa toilet. The baby was gone. Miscarriage. Mahina ang kapit ng bata dahil hindi naman ako kumakain ng maayos. I didn't feel any remorse at all kasi yun naman ang intensyon ko. But Rome was crying. He was blaming himself na hindi niya ako nakita agad sa banyo.

After that, I continued partying again. As usual, nagtitiis lang si Rome sa mga ginagawa ko. Bakit nga naman hindi? Kahit anong pagpa-party ko, siya pa rin ang inuuwian ko. Si Rome na lang din ang ka-sex ko and I made sure I was taking pills. Nagtagal din yun ng halos apat na buwan. Party sa gabi tapos uwi ng madaling araw. I can balance my studies, dahil matalino naman talaga ako.

June 2017, 3rd year college na ako and Rome was graduating. I decided I had enough. I was tired of Rome. Gusto ko naman ng bagong karelasyon. Pumunta ako ng bar at nagyaya ng isang guy for one night stand. I asked him if we could film ourselves while having sex. He said yes, basta hindi makikita ang mukha niya. The morning after, I sent the video to Rome along with a message na break na kami at umalis na siya sa condo ko. Hindi ako umuwi sa condo ng apat na araw dahil alam kong nandun pa siya. Kahit sa school pinagtataguan ko siya. When the management called me na umalis na si Rome, 'dun pa lang ako bumalik.

Nalaman kong hindi na pumapasok si Rome. Months later, I continued partying and dating other guys while Rome is nowhere to be found. October 24, 2017, my birthday. I woke up with a message from an unknown number telling me;

"I hope you are happy. Pasensya na kasi hindi ako sapat para sa iyo."

I knew it was a message from Rome. Later that day, while I was celebrating my birthday with my family in Pampanga, J received a call from my friend in Quezon. Rome was dead. He killed himself by taking sleeping pills. He was rushed on the hospital but the doctors weren't able to save him. Umuwi agad ako ng Manila.

I'm a bitch but I never wanted him to die. Hindi ako ganun kasama. Kinabukasan na nang nadalaw ko siya sa bahay nila. I was expecting na hindi ako papapasukin ng family niya. But his mother welcomed me with open arms, thanking me for making her son happy kahit na sa sandaling panahon lang. Apparently, Rome was depressed simula ng maghiwalay ang parents niya when he was in highschool. He was already depressed while we were in a relationship. But his mother said na nakita niyang masaya ulit si Rome nung naging girlfriend niya ako. Sabi ng Mama niya, lagi niya akong ikinukwento sa kanya. He has my pictures on his room.

One time, umuwi daw siya ng bahay nila na umiiyak. Telling them I broke up with him because I saw him kissing another girl. He wanted to protect my image despite the pain I cause him. For the first time in years, I cried. I cried so much. Naalala ko yung mga ginawa niya para sa akin. I was really guilty but I couldn't bring myself to tell his family that it must be my fault why Rome took his own life. I was a coward and selfish.

Until now, hindi pa rin alam ng pamilya niya ang totoo. The message he sent me was erased from his cellphone. Wala silang alam na ako ang pumatay sa anak nila. My family and friends don't know how horrible I am. Every night, I hear Rome crying. I know I am hallucinating. I became depressed. I self harm everytime I feel numb and guilty. I cry myself to sleep while I hear his voice echoing in my mind.

Ito siguro ang parusa ko sa mga ginawa ko sa kanya. I will accept this. Wala akong karapatang magreklamo. I'm a killer. I killed the guy who loved me so much.

Lienne
Graduate School
2017
UST
College