What people don't know

Chapter 82

I am fighting against the tears when i'm in the bathroom at work, I just arrived here and i don't want to break down in tears but it's hard. I just miss Corbs so much, I am so scared that i'm gonna lose him. I just can't lose him! If he's not here why should i be living then? I do everything for him! He's my world and without him i am a total wreck. I take a deep breath and i try to calm myself down, think about nice things. I keep telling myself but about what should i think?! That i am finally starting to get comfortable around a boy but then his mom starts to threaten me to stay away from him! Or should i think about school where i have so much friends? Like yeah sure i have literally none!

I shake my head to get those thoughts out of my head but it isn't working. I take another deep breath and i enter the kitchen, if i stayed in there for one more second i would be suffocated by my own thoughts. I walk to the restaurant and i start with taking orders.

When my work shift is finally over i am completely dead, I am super tired and sad. I need to work tomorrow at 8am so i can kinda sleep in. I get in my car and i rest my head on my steering wheel, I allow the tears to come after holding them in since the afternoon. I feel them sliding down my cheeks, warm and soft tears. I lift up my head again and I start the car, I need to go home right now so i can just lay in my bed and cry there. I drive away and when i finally arrive at the apartment i slowly walk up the stairs, I enter the apartment and i lock the door behind me, I slowly slide down against it and i bury my head i my hands. I feel this unbearable pain in my chest, it's hurting so bad. It feels like my heart is breaking into small pieces. I know that the doctor told me not to stop hoping, but my hope is almost gone right now. I saw Corbs in there, it's not Corbs anymore. He looks like ghost! He's incredibly pale and he just doesn't look like him anymore. I miss his jokes, i miss his scent, I miss pulling him up from the bed to help him to the kitchen, I just miss everything.

I sit there and cry for about 30 minutes, my eyes are completely dried out right now, I have no tears left. I take a deep breath, I feel refreshing, crying is always a good medicine. I get up from the floor and i walk to my bedroom, I'm not feeling hungry at all. I change into my pajamas and i get in my bed. I grab Tommy and i pull him close, I wrap my arms around his body and i lay my head on his soft chest. I am happy that Daniel gave me this huge teddy bear, it kinda comforts me in the night.

I feel how tired i am, I slowly close my eyelids and i try to think of happy things, like the beach. Then i slowly start to drift away.

I quickly open my eyes and i jump up, I had the nightmare again, it's just on repeat. The moment when i stab my dad, I shake my head, it just keeps replaying every time i close my eyes. But i NEED to sleep, I walk to my window and i look at the clear sky, there are no clouds at all. I can see all the stars. I walk to the kitchen and i grab my phone, it's 5.30 right now. I'm not going back to bed now. I walk to the coffee machine and i make a nice and hot coffee for myself. I walk back to my room and i sit down at my bed, I hold the coffee between both of my hands, I just sit down and i look at the wall.

I startle when i hear my alarm go off, I stretch my shoulders and i look at my coffee, it's completely cold right now. I forgot to drink it. I put it down on my nightstand and i get out of the bed. I feel really sore, i walk to the bathroom and i turn the shower on. I undress and i get in, i've put the temperature super high. I love taking extremely hot showers, it makes me relax a bit. When i get out i wrap myself in a towel and i walk to my room, I put on my work clothes and I walk back to the bathroom. I wipe the steam off the mirror and i look in it, I don't even see myself. I see a girl that's broken. My eyes are red and puffy from crying last night, I have huge bags under my eyes and my whole forehead is covered in pimples. I am pale and my eyes look empty. I take a deep breath and i show my fake smile, I'm not gonna fool anyone with that smile. I walk away from the mirror and I enter the kitchen, I'm not even gonna try to make myself look better. I know i'm not gonna succeed and why should i even try? It isn't gonna make me feel better or something. I make myself a new coffee and i slowly drink it, it makes me feel a bit more awake but i'm still super tired.