I Didn't Want To Love Him

146 (Truth)

Kara's P.O.V.

After I let Blake tell me his side of the story we get out of the bath and lay in bed. I wasn't gonna believe it so fast but he deserved to be heard. We cuddle on the bed, my head resting on his chest so close I could hear his heartbeat.

"You okay?" he asks as soon as he notices I hadn't fallen asleep yet.

"Yeah... I was just thinking, you said you kissed Brynn to see if you felt something..."

"Yeah..."

"Did you?"

He pulls me up a little so I could sit up to face him. His face so serious you could tell he was joking...

"I wouldn't have followed you if I did. I only have eyes for you, no one else. It shouldn't have taken all this time for me to realize it and I am sorry for it. I may not show it all the time but I do love you. So no, I didn't feel anything"

As much as he said and as much as I wanted to believe it, I didn't. This was a new Blake, or at least the old one. The last time we were this close with no fighting was probably when Emma was born.

"You don't believe me do you?"

"I..."

"It's my fault if you don't... I changed, barely showed you how much I love you. Caugh caught in my own perfect little world---"

"You forgot about my cursed one" I finish his sentence.

"Your life is not cursed" I exhale deeply when he says that. We both know it is, maybe that's the reason he became so distant... "You think the kids and I are a curse?"

"No, a blessing... well the kids, I'm not sure about you" I try to lighten the mood.

"Oh yeah?" he starts to tickle me

"No! Blake stop!" we laugh. He knows how much I hate it so he stops... "Can I ask you something else?"

"Why do you ask me if you can ask me something? I'm your husband you can ask me whatever the hell you want"

"Right..." I whisper to myself "The other day, when I asked Tyler about a name for the baby. Why did you stop him? And be honest, don't give me the whole 'it was time for bed' crap.

"All right.... When Tyler was at the hospita for almost drowning I overheard you and Amber talking and you said you never picked a name for any of our kids"

"I picked Emma"

"No you didn't. Your dying grandma or aunt did. You always want to please everyone instead of yourself... If I had known that I never would've picked Maggie but you wanted to please me so bad you put yourself aside. This is your chance, you turn to choose a name, one that you want and no one else does"

"A name is like a tattoo... it's a permanent thing. You have to make sure you pick the right one"

"I'm sure you'll pick a great name"

"That's the thing... I don't know what name I want"

"You'll figure it out"

 "..... I'm scared" I confess.

"About what?"

"Having this baby. I'm scared I won't love him, the way my mother didn't love me"

"You'll love him"

"You don't know that"

"Hey" he cups y face firmly "Do you love him right now?"

"Yes"

"Then you will love him. How many times do I have to tell you, you are not your mom"

"It just--- it hurts... I acted like I didn't care but it hurt so much. The relationship you have with your mother, I envy it because it's so precious, and I never got to have that" I start to tear up "I'll never know what it's like to me loved by a mother. And I wish I did because the love I have for our kids is so pure and real and it can't be compared to anything... I just don't understand why she kept me if she hated me so much. And I don't know why she hated me, I mean I know why she hated me but it wasn't my fault. But it was so much it led me to hate her too"

"What did she do to you?"

"I told you what she did to me"

"There has to be something more... Something had to happen that flipped your switch, what was it?"

I've never really told anyone the reason that made me hate her so much. Other than my mother and I no one knew that story, no one.

"It's too personal, I don't want to talk about it"

"Ever?" he asks.

"Maybe someday, when I'm ready..."

That's the only thing left he needed to know about me, the day I changed completely to the girl I was all my life but changed once again the moment I held my baby boy's hand in that incubator at the hospital. So small and defenseless and that tiny body... the day I promised I would never be like her. I would live my life happy and loving my child and the man who fathered him...