Assistance Required

Old Memories

TW intrusive thoughts, self-deprecation, minor self-harm, mention of car crash and hospital

Sat Jan 23

Roman insisted they continue the weekly movie night tradition this semester. They thought it would be a good idea to let Thomas pick the movie. Logan insisted on getting his homework done, not even swaying to Patton's pleas. Since it was the beginning of the semester, Logan hadn't had a chance to work ahead yet, and he wanted to take the chance while the workload was still a little light.

They had already spent most of the day doing homework. Virgil had gotten Logan to explain astronomy to him. He was starting to get it, but it was still a little over his head. It made him feel stupid. He could definitely use the break.

Virgil wasn't entirely interested in the movie Thomas chose, but he still wanted to be with his friends and didn't feel like doing anymore homework, so he decided to draw. He didn't really have an idea of what to draw so he just sort of put lines on the paper to see how they turned out. So far, it wasn't too bad. At least he was having fun with it.

Janus went to pick up the pizza, Patton was popping the popcorn down the hall, and the twins were getting other snacks and drinks. Thomas was chilling on the couch while Joan set up the movie and Virgil was sitting on the floor with his sketchbook. The three of them had already gathered a bunch of pillows and blankets and scattered them across the room. It didn't take too long for everyone else to show up and settle down.

Virgil continued to focus on his drawing, Patton was painting Roman's nails, Remus and Janus were trying to catch popcorn in each other's mouths, Thomas was more invested in the movie, and Joan was on their phone. Virgil watched Patton paint Roman's nail's red and white. He was doing different designs on each finger. It was a lot more detailed than the time he painted Virgil's nails during his first movie night with them. He screwed his eyes shut as his dad's face flashed in his mind from that night.

GET OUT!

You'll never get a girl like that!

Where did we go wrong?

Virgil set his sketchbook down and stood up.

"Is everything okay?" Patton asked.

"Bathroom," Virgil muttered as he walked away.

He walked into the bathroom and locked himself in a stall. He smacked his head a few times and tugged at his hair as if that'd make the thoughts go away. His dad's voice echoed in his head and his angry face flashed in his mind. Why did they keep showing up? Why couldn't he just forget about it? He wasn't even there anymore! He was supposed to be happy. He was happy! Everything was fine! He was supposed to be relaxing with his friends before work not freaking out in a bathroom over something that happened months ago. He paced the small space shaking his hands as he tried to collect himself.

"Virgil?" Logan's voice echoed around the bathroom.

Virgil took a deep breath before flushing the toilet and leaving the stall.

"Y-yeah?" Virgil asked.

"Is everything okay?" Logan asked as he studied him.

Virgil nodded his head as he washed his hands.

"Are you sure? The others said you were in here for quite a bit."

"I thought you were doing homework. Why are you looking for me?" Virgil asked.

"I was going to drop you off at work today. You still need a ride, don't you?"

"Yeah."

"Right, and since I'm working too I thought I could drop you off a little early before my shift if that's okay with you."

"That's fine."

There was a short pause while Virgil dried his hands.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Logan asked.

"I'm fine. I'll go get ready for work now," Virgil said before leaving the bathroom.

He could feel Logan's gaze on him as he walked down the hall but he didn't hear him say anything. He got changed and waved goodbye to the others before walking downstairs. Logan was waiting in the student center. The two walked out to the car in silence. Logan paused before entering the vehicle.

"Do you want to try driving? It's been a while since you've been behind the wheel and I don't mind if you want to try again."

Was Logan really offering to let him drive his car? He hadn't even thought about driving again. He knew he needed a car but he hadn't actually thought about driving it. Last time he was behind the wheel he crashed. He blacked out and woke up in the hospital. He was on crutches for two months! Honestly, just thinking about driving again was terrifying.

"O-oh, um... I- uh... I..."

"If you aren't up for it, it's fine. I just thought I'd ask," Logan said.

"Th-thanks," Virgil said quietly before stepping into the car.

Logan entered and started the car.

"Virgil, did I upset you? I didn't mean and I apologize if I did."

"No, you're fine. I just don't feel up to trying right now. Maybe... maybe some other time."

"Are you sure you're okay? You've been a little off since I found you in the bathroom. You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, but please don't lie to me, Virgil."

"I'm fine. Just focus on the road," Virgil said.

The rest of the drive was silent. Virgil walked into work and moved on autopilot most of the night. He was glad he was on dishes. Most people didn't like them because it was tedious work, but he liked the constant rhythm. He didn't have to think about what he was doing. He could just do his work and let his mind wander.

After work, he sat outside until Logan came to pick him up. It didn't take long before Logan arrived. The two mostly sat in silence during the ride back to campus occasionally slipping in tales from work. They walked back to the dorm and got changed for bed. Logan fell asleep almost immediately, but Virgil laid in bed awake for some time. He shouldn't be letting any of these thoughts bother him, but they did. He couldn't let any of them go. And with those thoughts came the voices.

Pathetic.

Useless.

Weak.

He curled up facing the wall and hugged his pillow. He was just so empty. He had been doing fine earlier this week. Everything was fine earlier today. Why did he have to feel this way? Why did these thoughts have to break into his head. Why did his father's angry face keep flashing in his mind? Why was he afraid to start driving? He was starting to feel frustrated with himself. He was being stupid. He just needed to go to bed but his mind wouldn't let him. It didn't want to shut down and it kept telling the body to move and be awake.

Why couldn't he bring himself to say anything about it?

Logan had asked him multiple times if he was okay and he kept pushing him away. They were just thoughts, but talking to his friends had helped him before. He didn't want to wake any of them up though but he couldn't just wait until morning.

Then he remembered his art project last semester. He slid out of bed and grabbed a notebook before crawling back into bed. He started writing down everything he felt. The emptiness, the thoughts, the voices, everything. By the time he finished his eyes were drooping and he had filled at least a few pages. His handwriting was sloppy but he didn't care. He was too tired to care. Right now, he just needed sleep.