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Bad Days

TW depression, suicidal thoughts

Mon Feb 15

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

Why did alarm clocks always have to ruin Virgil's fun? He was having a perfectly good time sleeping and dreaming away all of life's problems and then this stupid alarm clock showed up and ruined his life.

"Can I just... not, today?" Virgil groaned.

"I'm not sure what you mean by that," Logan said as he turned off the alarm and slid out of bed.

"I just... I don't want to do today. Maybe tomorrow."

"I'm afraid we'll face the same predicament tomorrow as today, so you might as well at least try."

"But I already decided today isn't a good day for existing. I think tomorrow will be a good time to try again."

"You don't want to fall behind in any of your classes. Besides you have an eight am tomorrow. I don't think you'll be much happier tomorrow than today."

"Ugh! Why does life have to be so difficult?!"

"Come on, Virgil."

"No! I don't want to exist today! Let me stay in bed and forget reality!"

Logan sighed and left the room. Virgil buried his face in his pillow. Why was getting up so difficult? A minute later the blankets were ripped off his bed and he turned to see Roman standing at the foot of his bed.

"Get up, Emo! It's time for class!"

"No! Go away!"

"Come on! We have to go to Spanish! If you hurry we can stop for coffee."

Virgil frowned as he thought it over. Coffee. Coffee was good. Okay. He sighed as he slid out of bed.

"You better mean it. I need that coffee."

"I promise we'll stop for coffee."

Virgil got ready for the day and walked to the student center with Roman. They got their drinks and Roman insisted he get a muffin or something too. Virgil knew if he didn't get it himself Roman would get it for him and he didn't want him to do that. Virgil got himself a muffin and a black coffee and they went to their class.

Class was boring as usual. He honestly hated everything about it today. He wanted nothing more than to go back to bed. He didn't want to eat his muffin, but he did because Roman insisted he eat something. Why was food a necessary thing? It'd be so much easier if he could just photosynthesize. He could just stand outside for a few hours and then go back to bed. He'd still have to drink water, but he could live with that. Did he really want to live? Living was so exhausting and he wasn't entirely enjoying his time. What was even the point?

After class he walked with Roman to his next class and went to the student center. He sat and stared at the table in front of him. Why did he try so hard to stay alive? It'd be so much easier to die. Didn't he still have those pain killers in his room? Were they enough? No... wait... He stared at his hands. What was happening? Today was not a good day. He really wasn't feeling today. He felt so empty inside and he couldn't figure out why. Yesterday was a good day. It was a really good day. He watched a movie and he was happy. Why was he so... depressed today? Why was it so bad today?

Graphic design was a blur. It seemed to drag on but he couldn't remember much of it. It was like he wasn't even there. Not really. After class he went to his room. He could do his homework later. He didn't want to do anything today. He laid in bed and stared at the wall hugging his pillow. A part of him wanted to cry but he couldn't. He just couldn't get rid of the emptiness in his chest. It was like there was nothing there. How was that even possible?

He wasn't sure how long he stayed there. It could have been hours for all he cared. He heard the door open but he didn't move. Someone turned on the lights and sat down on the edge of his bed.

"Bad day?" Patton asked.

Virgil nodded.

"Why don't you come sit with us?"

"I don't want to leave. Bed is comfortable and safe."

"I know, but you shouldn't stay here alone. You can take a nap if you want, but please come sit with us."

Virgil sighed.

"You don't trust me to be alone anymore, do you?"

Patton was silent for a minute. Virgil couldn't see him but he was sure Patton was trying to come up with an answer. He didn't blame him. He hardly trusted himself.

"Virgil... we care a lot about you and-"

"It's fine," Virgil said as he rolled over and sat up to look at him. "I don't really trust myself either."

He could see the worry in Patton's eyes. He felt guilty for causing him so much worry. He wished he could just be normal. If only he wasn't such a downer. Maybe everything would be different. He crawled towards his desk and pulled out the bottle of pain killers. They rattled as he handed them to Patton.

"I... I don't think I should have these right now," Virgil said softly. "I don't really need them anymore anyway."

Patton nodded and took Virgil's hand.

"Let's go sit with the others, okay? You can bring your stuff and maybe we can get something done."

"I don't need to be babied, Patton."

"I know."

Patton led him out of his room and stopped by his own room to drop off the pills. Virgil looked at the purple bracelet on his wrist. He had forgotten about it for a while. He had grown used to it now that he didn't even think about it. But it existed. He remembered his promise. It was a hard promise to keep. And it kept getting harder as new problems arose. But he still made that promise. They always showed they cared. Even when he didn't care about himself they showed they still cared. That meant they still expected him to live up to his promise, didn't it?

Patton came out of his room and they walked downstairs. No one said anything as they sat down. He wasn't sure what to do with himself. He still didn't want to do anything. He didn't want to exist right now. Existing was hard. Patton insisted he at least set up his laptop so he could make some progress on his work. He sighed as he signed in and opened his graphic design software. He guessed he could get started on his next project. It was slow, but he at least started. He could say he got something done today even if he didn't want to. Patton kept encouraging him to keep going.

Eventually, they dragged him to dinner. He still didn't really feel like eating, but he knew the others wouldn't let him get out of this. He got a bowl of pasta and picked at it throughout dinner. He didn't want to talk and they didn't push it. He managed to eat more than he thought but it wasn't a lot. Again, no one pushed it too hard. He showed he was at least trying and that seemed to be enough to please them.

After dinner, they went back to the student center. He sat down and stared at his laptop. He still didn't want to do anything. He really wanted to go back to bed, but he knew he'd scare them if he went off by himself. Especially since Patton knew he couldn't be trusted right now. He sighed as he turned on the laptop. He knew he couldn't just not do his homework. Even if it was hard, he had to keep going.

He did want to give up, but he knew his friend wouldn't let him. He wasn't sure if he should be happy or upset about this. It would be a lot easier to just go back to bed right now. But no, his friends had him here getting his homework done. Is he happy right now? No. But, he knew later when he was falling behind he'd regret letting his depression win.

That was the difference between now and high school. He had people who cared. His friends weren't going to let him fail.