Assistance Required

Thoughts and Concerns

TW negative thoughts, mention of abuse, mention of suicidal thoughts

Tues Feb 2

Virgil wanted nothing to do with tennis. The more he played the more he wanted to burn down the courts. Even so, he didn't feel right skipping it again. The professor refused to let him come back while he was coughing so much. He was still dressed in sweat pants and a loose shirt since he didn't feel like changing into his usual ripped skinny jeans and hoodie even though he had the time. It was weird walking around without his hoodie, but he'd get too hot with the hoodie and he didn't feel comfortable in a T-shirt. He hated when people asked about the scabs on his arms or when they looked at his scars.

He didn't like that his friends knew, but he couldn't exactly hide it from them. They were constantly with him and checking in on him. Whenever he was having trouble they asked and he hated lying to them. He wasn't that good at lying. Whenever people asked what happened he'd just change the subject or agree with whatever assumption they created. Maybe if he was a better liar he could have explained the black eye and they wouldn't have found out about his dad. But he guessed it was better this way. They would have found out eventually after his dad kicked him out. He had to admit, they did help him with his overall situation and mental health.

Would he even still be in school if they weren't there? His classes really took a toll on his mental health and he usually just didn't do his work. He'd end up scrolling through Tumblr or doodling each time he tried in high school. If he hadn't gotten good grades throughout most of his life before the second half of high school, he wasn't sure he'd have graduated. But that was when he was alone. Now he had people who studied with him and made sure he was working. They even helped him when he was struggling. He definitely wouldn't have even considered therapy without them much less actually sign up for it if Logan hadn't made him. Maybe it was a good thing he was a bad liar. It always got him in trouble at home, but it really didn't matter whether or not he lied. If his dad thought he was guilty, he was in trouble.

He sat down on the floor in front of his geology class and pulled out his phone. He didn't feel like doing homework at the moment. He scrolled through Tumblr until the previous class left the room. He sat down and waited for class to begin. He doodled on the edges of his notes again throughout class before moving on to his painting class. They got to start on a new project during class- a black and white still-life.

He found painting to be rather relaxing. He hadn't done much painting since his art classes all those years ago in high school. It was so calming stroking his brush along the paper and leaving behind the solid grays. He let his mind wander as he painted. He started thinking about his friends again. He wished he could find ways to repay their kindness. They gave him everything when he had nothing. He hoped he could find a way in the future.

He was also starting to get a little worried about Logan. Roman said he was spending all his time in the library. Virgil remembered how self-isolation worked for him. There were plenty of times when he thought about suicide when he was alone in his room. He just couldn't quite bring himself to do it. The one time he almost did, Patton showed up. He didn't think Logan would get to that point, but isolation certainly hasn't helped his mental health. Maybe it would be a good idea to talk to Logan about this tonight.

Virgil went through the rest of the day thinking about this conversation. He waited until after dinner before pulling Logan aside.

"Hey, um- can uh... can we talk?" Virgil asked.

Logan gave him a nod.

"Of course."

"I just... I heard you were spending a lot of time in the library recently and... and I know that spending a lot of time alone can't be good for you. I used to isolate myself all the time and- well... you know how I turned out."

Logan was silent for a minute while he thought over Virgil's words making him nervous. Finally, Logan spoke.

"Thank you, for your concern, Virgil. I admit I have been spending a lot of time in the library. I do enjoy spending some time alone in a quiet place but I suppose it might be a good idea to study with the others from time to time. I just feel more productive in the library."

"Well, maybe you can bring one of us along to study with you. I mean if you like the library that's fine. We aren't going to stop you from going, but you can't isolate yourself too much. I just... I don't want you ending up like me."

"I'll be sure to spend a little more time with the others if it concerns you that much, but you've been isolating yourself quite a bit too recently."

"Yeah, but I'm still sick. I'll rejoin the world when I can't infect it."

"Fair enough, I suppose." Logan was silent for a minute. "You're going to talk to your therapist about last week though, right? I think we'd all feel better knowing you're talking to your therapist about everything bothering you."

"Yeah, I uh- I'll work on that. I... I don't know if I quite feel comfortable sharing all of that yet but I know I'll get there. I don't know, maybe I'll get there soon. We'll see, I guess."

"I understand. You don't have to push yourself out of your comfort zone. We're just worried."

"Yeah, I get it." Virgil ran a hand through his hair. "It seems I've done nothing but worry you since we met."

"We'll get through it. Just give it time and don't be too hard on yourself. I'm sure it'll all work out eventually."

"Yeah, eventually."