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Dangerous Thinking

TW suicidal thoughts, self-harm, self deprecation

Wed March 3

Virgil wanted nothing more than to go to his room after he left his geology lab. He froze when he saw Patton standing outside. Patton waved and gave him a sheepish smile when Virgil walked out of the room. Virgil gave him a tight-lipped smile and started walking towards the student center, Patton quickly catching up to walk next to him. They walked in silence for a minute before Virgil broke it.

"Logan talked to you, didn't he?" Virgil refused to look up from the floor.

Patton hesitated before speaking.

"Yeah," he said quietly. "He seemed concerned this morning."

"I'm fine!" Virgil said as he stopped. "I've had plenty of ups and downs but I'll be okay! I'll hit an up again!"

Patton pulled Virgil away from the middle of the hallway before giving him a sad smile.

"I know how it goes, Virgil. We just want to make sure you make it to the next up."

"You worry enough about us, Pat. You don't need to worry about me," Virgil said as he started walking away.

"I'll always worry about you guys," Patton said as he started walking. "There isn't much you can do to stop me from worrying about you guys. I love you guys too much not to worry."

"You really shouldn't love me," Virgil muttered.

Patton grabbed Virgil's arm stopping dead in his tracks. Virgil looked down at Patton's hand before looking up at his face. He wasn't used to seeing Patton upset. He couldn't tell if he was hurt or angry or both but it scared him a little.

"Don't say that," Patton said. "You deserve to be loved just as much as the rest of us. And you can't change my mind on that! I'm... I'm afraid of why you don't want me to care about you anymore, Virgil. That concerns me."

Virgil looked down at the floor again. He didn't know what to say. What could he say? Patton wasn't entirely wrong, but he didn't feel like he really deserved any of their affection. He broke free of Patton's grip and started walking. He heard Patton sigh behind him before continuing to walk with him.

They continued walking in silence. Once they reached the student center, Virgil just sat down and pulled out his work. Patton sat down next to him and pulled out his own work. The others soon joined around them. Virgil stared blankly at his textbook. He wished he could go to his room. He couldn't understand why he felt so empty inside. He hated it and wanted nothing more than for it to go away. He started scratching at his chest. For some reason it just felt right. The way it burned when he scratched distracted him from what was happening deep inside.

He felt someone wrap an arm around him. He looked up to see Ronan holding him. Virgil curled in on himself slightly. Roman kissed the top of his head before turning back to his work. Virgil looked around at the others. He could feel the tension in the air. He knew they knew. He hated that they knew. He hated that this was happening. He didn't want them to know. He wanted to go to his room and be alone for a little while, but he knew they wouldn't let him.

He just needed a little bit of time. He wanted to be alone but he was also somewhat afraid of what he'd do when he was alone. But why did it matter? Why was living so important? Why did he want to live? What was even the point? He wasn't exactly having a good time. It sucked and it hurt. He just wanted to die. So why was he trying to live? Why didn't he just do something last night? He could have figured something out. There had to be a janitor's closet or something somewhere where he could get some bleach.

He could also wait until Friday. He still had a few weeks before he lost his job. There were plenty of bleach bottles and such there. He could probably also find laundry detergent in the laundry room. Someone was always leaving something.

Virgil sighed as he continued writing his notes. Why did he have to have friends? It would be so much easier to let go if they weren't in his life. And he didn't have the heart to make them hate him. He also wasn't sure if it'd work. Maybe if he had a car he could drive off the nearest bridge. The river wasn't too far away. There was also the lake everyone wanted to go to.

Virgil glanced around at the others. There was no way they'd let him be alone. But they didn't know he couldn't swim. Drowning wasn't really his first way to go but- Virgil shook his head. Why was he thinking about these things? He was doing fine and now he couldn't stop thinking about death. It wouldn't be too hard though.

He tried focusing on his homework, but it was hard. He didn't actually care about it and a part of him felt as if he wasn't really going to need it in the end anyway. Soon enough the others were dragging him to dinner. As much as he wanted to welcome the distraction, he didn't entirely feel like eating.

He picked at a bowl of pasta and drank some water while he mostly ignored the others. He didn't really feel like paying attention to their conversation, but at least trying to eat would satisfy them enough to leave him alone.

He rested his chin in his hand as he stared at the bowl in front of him. He closed his eyes. It felt good to close them. Maybe that was the problem. He was too tired to be existing right now. Maybe sleep would help? He wasn't entirely sure if it was true, but gosh he wanted to sleep.

He took a few more bites of his pasta as he stared at the bowl. He didn't want to waste money and he knew his friends would be upset if he didn't try as much as he could but he really didn't care that much. Why was food even important? He didn't really want to keep eating. It made his stomach unhappy but he kept trying. He managed to eat more than half the bowl which was better than nothing.

He was satisfied with his progress and ended up throwing away the rest before leaving with the others. He managed to convince them to let him go upstairs so he could sleep, but Logan insisted he join him. At this point, Virgil didn't care. He just wanted to go to bed. They packed up their stuff and went upstairs. Virgil changed and flopped onto his bed before Logan reminded him of his medication. Why does he need more complications in his life? It'd be easier if he could just go to sleep without all this extra stuff.

He sighed as he took the pill and laid back down. He curled up in his blankets facing the wall as he tried to fall asleep. He could feel the medicine kick in and he was starting to regret not eating all his pasta. It was too late. He was cozy and tired and ready for sleep. He could eat later. Right now, he was ready to drift off to sleep.