Assistance Required

Late Night Thoughts

TW mention of suicide, crying, self-depreciation

Wed March 3

Virgil stared at the ceiling in the dark. He could hear Logan's soft breathing from the other side of the room. It was far too quiet for his liking. His arm was growing numb under his head so he switched it out and placed the other on his stomach. He sighed. He couldn't understand why he couldn't sleep.

The past few nights weren't so bad. He managed to sleep through the night pretty well. For some reason he just couldn't seem to keep his eyes closed. He had tried but they refused to remain closed. His mind was giving him images of things he hated and now he was afraid to close them again.

His mind wandered and he could feel himself being filled with self-loathing. It ached deep in his chest and stomach. He wanted nothing more than death. He didn't really have many options. He knew his medications were in the room somewhere, but he wasn't sure where Logan had put them. He only had the organizer and that only held enough for the week. He wasn't sure if those would be enough.

He shook his head and grabbed his hair as he curled in on himself. He knew he shouldn't be thinking about these things. It was a bad idea. It made it far too tempting. But he couldn't get it out of his mind. He didn't know what to do. He knew he could try writing again but a part of him wanted someone else's reassurance. But he didn't actually want to wake anyone. They needed sleep too.

Tears pricked his eyes as he thought about what to do. But other thoughts creeped into his mind. It would be so easy to just disappear. He wouldn't have to worry or burden his friends anymore. They could do their own things without him. They'd be free without him. It'd be so much better if he wasn't there.

He curled in on himself as he tugged at his hair. He didn't know what to do. A part of him knew they'd be devastated if he even tried but he also wanted to so badly. It wouldn't even be that hard. Virgil turned away from the wall to look at Logan across the room. Guilt gnawed at his stomach.

He slowly slid out of bed and took a deep breath as he crossed the room. He couldn't believe he was actually planning on going through with this. It was stupid and he hated that he landed on this, but he knew it had to be done. He hugged himself and took another shaky breath to try to calm himself.

"L-Logan?" Virgil asked as he placed a hand on his shoulder.

Logan turned his head to look at Virgil.

"What?" Logan asked tiredly.

"I um... I-"

Virgil could feel himself shaking. He shouldn't have done it. He shouldn't have woken him up. He was just so scared to be alone right now. He heard movement. He flinched as something touched him.

"Virgil," he heard Logan say quietly, "come sit down."

Logan gently led Virgil to sit on the edge on Logan's bed. Virgil tried to get a hold on himself but he couldn't control his emotions anymore.

"What's wrong?" Logan asked.

"I- I want to die," Virgil broke. He curled in on himself as he started crying. He hated how vulnerable he was but he couldn't help it.

He could feel Logan's hesitation before he placed a hand on Virgil's back. He slowly rubbed it.

"Is there anything that prompted this?" Logan asked.

Virgil shook his head.

"I- I don't know. I just... I wish I wasn't... I hate myself so much. I don't know why I'm still trying anymore!"

"Virgil," Logan started hesitantly, "I know you're struggling and it may be hard to see right now, but this feeling is only temporary. You... there's..." Logan took a deep breath before trying again. "No matter what, it isn't worth your life. We're still here for you. Roman, Patton, Janus, Thomas, Joan, me, and even Remus. We're all here for you. I know it may not seem like it, but it will get better. That's why you're getting help."

Virgil shook his head.

"Everyone keeps saying that. But I only feel worse."

"I..." Logan sighed. "I'm sorry. I'm not very good at this." Logan paused for a second. "It's... it's still going to take time. It isn't going to be easy but you just have to stick with it. I know how easy giving up may seem, but Virgil, it isn't worth your life."

Virgil curled in on himself. He could feel Logan continue to slowly rub his back. They sat in silence as Virgil did his best to reel himself in, but he was too much of a mess right now. He was sure he looked absolutely pathetic, but Logan didn't say anything about it.

He wasn't sure how long it was before he finally managed to collect himself. The silence was only broken by his sniffles and Logan's hand continuing its steady rhythm along his back. Virgil refused to look at Logan. He stared at the floor as he sat up. Logan removed his hand.

"I'm sorry I woke you up," Virgil muttered quietly.

He could feel Logan looking at him in the darkness but he didn't want to try to read his face. He couldn't bare to look at him.

"Virgil, I'd rather you wake me in the middle of the night than let me wake up on my own to-" Logan paused. Virgil heard him take a deep breath before trying again, "I couldn't bare the idea of waking up to you gone. I'd rather stay awake with you then wake up without you."

Virgil stared at the floor as he tried to process the words and sentiments. Virgil wasn't used to Logan being so upfront about how he felt. Perhaps Logan was just too tired to hold himself back. It made some sense. It's could also be the situation. Virgil wasn't entirely sure.

"Th-thanks. I... I don't really know how to... I don't know why I just... I..." Virgil buried his face in his hands. He wanted to say something, but he wasn't sure what.

Logan patted his back again.

"You're quite welcome, Virgil. Though I suggest you try to get some sleep. Did you take your medication for the night?"

Virgil glanced up at Logan before looking back at his desk. He slid off of Logan's bed and crossed the dark room before picking up the pill organizer. Sure enough, tonight's medication was still in its place.

"I... I guess I forgot," Virgil muttered.

"It's better now than never. It'll help you sleep at least the rest of tonight. You may still have a rough morning, but at least you'll be able to get some rest."

A small part of Virgil thought about how easy a lot of his sleepy medicine would knock him out for good. But for now, he took his one and crawled into his bed. He curled up in his blankets with his back to the wall. He could vaguely make out Logan on the other side of the room. He could see him readjust in his bed.

He wasn't sure if Logan had fallen back asleep yet or not. Virgil felt bad for waking him up, but he did feel somewhat better than he had before. He could feel his body starting to relax as the medicine took effect. Suddenly, he was really hungry but he was also too tired and comfortable to move. He didn't want to get up. He could deal with food later. Right now was time for sleeping.