Moments / One Shots

Today, I Looked Up

(A/n: TW, you may cry at this one coz I did and this one is a bit longer then any other one I have written so have fun with this but no one dies... That shit is to sad to write but I will do it in the future so be warned.)

You're POV

I just finished writing in my diary so I place the pen down and stand up from my bed feeling a deep internal understanding of what I have just wrote down in the pages of my diary...

I'm not in the best places mentally... Maybe a shower can help?

I leave my diary there as it is on my bed and go get a shower.

Nat POV

I'm with Wanda and we go to see y/n as we just got back from a mission and we want to see how she is doing plus we both need our girlfriends attention as we have been away for a few months and we have missed her like crazy

I knock on y/n's door but we don't get an answer, maybe she is asleep or has her headphones on again so I open the door and walk in with Wanda to hear the shower running but something catches my eye a open book... On her bed with a pen next to it

Curiosity got the better of me so I walk over to it and pick it up and see her hand writing

"Has she been writing again? what does it say?" Wanda asks as she comes to my side as I read it out loud for the both of us

'Today I looked up how long it would take to drown...'

Me and Wanda look at each other not expecting... That... But I continue

'How long can you hold your breath before you can't hold your breath any longer and how long till your lungs give out and that feeling that use to fill the void quiet like a mouse at midnight searching for it's piece of pie..."

We both look at each other worried before continuing to read but this time Wanda reads it out loud

'Today I stood in front of a window and imagined what it would be like to fly... No I didn't... I imagined what it would be like to jump outside the frame that cage me inside... But... My better judgement said it wouldn't be very kind if someone I cared about found me.'

Is this how she is feeling... Our poor baby... She's hurting so bad and we didn't even know... We haven't even been here either...

'That's the voice that plays like a tape on rewind... Rewind... Rewind.'

"Nat..." Wanda says with a concerned tone making me look at her and we don't have to say anything to understand what is happening so I take hold of her hand with my free hand but I look back at the book and turn the page to see there is more...

'It wouldn't be fair to a stranger either... Today I am reminded of the time I watched a man jump into a highway when I was just 17...'

"What are we supposed to do? I didn't know she saw such a things like that..." Wanda says and I shake my head lightly

"I don't know" I answer as she then looks back at the book and I hand it to her as she reads it out

'The car lights on either side the upper portion of the auto blow standing at attention... Staring off into the distance, just waiting for the road to clear and the way to the comfort of their loved ones to be made...'

Does she think we don't love her? Why hasn't she told us about this? We need to help her, no matter what it takes...

'Death is a strange and hollow inconvenience, when you think about it... There's a blank face that quickly and abruptly find its way to all the witnesses something of that magnitude'

"I can't..." Wanda says and hands the book back to me so I continue to read for us

'It's not empathy, is not sympathy, it's more of a force intrinsic and internal self-reflection...'

I pause as I see questions that she has written...

'Why would someone do such a thing?

What could drive someone to that type of depth?

Could I be driven to such depths?

Would I ever be able to jump?'

I don't know what to say, I hope she is never driven to those depths... I also hope she would never jump.

'There is no place to be soft in these moments...

Jump...

There is not time to be caught in this moment...

Jump...

There's no need to believe there was a moment...

Jump...'

She really is telling herself to jump...

'No... Sigh, believe, relief in this moment... Cause I could never be the one to be in this moment...

Or could I?...

Jump...

Today I looked up how long it would take to drown...'

Both me and Wanda had tears in our eyes as a few roll do her cheeks and I wipe mine as they fall "we need to help her Nat" Wanda says and I nod agreeing but the book still has unread words so I read them out loud

'Do you first hold your breath? Do you exhale all of your problems and worries before casting your thoughts to the bottom of an otherwise empty place below the poverty line of depressed thoughts and the sad calamity of a haunted house you've called home?...'

I could hear the shower water stop running meaning y/n is getting out of the shower...

'I don't know... Maybe someone out there has the answer...'

I take a breath before reading the last lines

'But for now I'm still trying to come to terms of the fact that today...'

I look at Wanda as the bathroom door unlocks

'I looked up how long it would take to drown.'

After I said that the door opens and we both turn to see y/n drying her hair with a towel as she then looks up and sees us with tears in my eyes and rolling down Wanda face and then me holding the book...

"Ah shit, knew I should of put it away" she says to herself while looking down as she lowers the towel from her hair knowing that we have just read what she has written.