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FMA - Edward Elric

I knew it was impossible from the start, I knew that he would always be just out of reach. No matter how much I ran after him, how much I'd chase...he'd always be after her. I knew that...so why does it still hurt so much?

I told him I'd support him no matter what and that's true, I will....but that didn't mean I wouldn't do it through gritted teeth. It had barely been any time at all since I've met her and yet I can already feel how short I will always fall.

He will always choose her over me. A thousand times in a thousand worlds. It'll always be her for him.

And I can see why.

She's pretty and smart and they've known each other for forever. What chance do I stand?

I can't even find a way to convince myself that I am overreacting...when he makes it so obvious. The way his face lights up around her, how he's protective, how much he talks about her... Winry hold his heart, she's his soulmate. They were meant for one another.

But you want to know what's worst of all? It's not the fact that he loves someone other than me...that I could handle all on its own. I understand why he wouldn't, there is nothing desirable about me. I'm nothing when compared to her.

The worst part is that she loves him too.

I mean, of course she does. He's Edward Elric! What isn't to love?

It means that I won't be one of the closest people to him anymore. I'll inevitably be replaced permanently by her. When we're on the field, it's thrilling being at his side. The adventure, risk, the fights...they're so badass and I've never felt that kind of adrenaline before and to do it by hi side... It's amazing.

But one day it won't be me... we'll no longer be dogs of the military, he'll settle down and marry her.

What will I do then?

The thought of not being able to see him as often hurts...going from seeing him everyday to never. It's unbearable.

To see him happy with another woman is torturous. I wouldn't be able to deal with it.

How long would I be able to watch their romance before I snap?

I want to keep my promise. I want to be able to support him through everything...but that might be too detrimental even for me.

For now I'll wait...until the day one of them inevitably confesses...I'll bide my time, hope that it isn't for another few months at least, and pretend like I don't know anything.

-

I'm so stupid.

Why did I think that I'd be able to stay his friend? Why did I think that I'd be able to hide my own feelings?

He deserves someone better than me as a friend. I'm selfish, pathetic, terrible. I should have thought my words out better.

His question rings in my head. I'm so stupid. "How should I ask her out?"

"How?" You don't.

"Yeah... This girl I like...I want to make things official between us...or at least see if she feels the same way, you know?"

"Heh... yeah I don't know. I've never felt that way about anyone so you're asking the wrong person." Liar. All I know how to do is lie and make a fool of myself.

If he knew that I felt that way about him, how would he react? Would he start avoiding me? Would he apologize for asking me such an insensitive question? Or would he continue on and pretend he didn't know?

Whatever it is...it's not fair.

It isn't fair that she gets to be happy. I want that. I don't know anything about her and I want to like her, I really do but I just can't. I'm so jealous. I want to be her so badly, I want to be happy with him. I want to be able to hold him, to kiss him, to live the rest of my life by his side.

It isn't fair.

-

"So...how is it going asking that girl out?" I ask him as we take a walk to get away from our problems for the day.

Out of the corner of my eye I see him turn a light pink...he's so cute when he's embarrassed. Not fair...

"Haven't done it yet... and to be honest I don't think she feels the same way," he rubs the back of his neck, "she's kind of...not the type of person to really like people in that way, you know?"

My heart skips a beat for a second. There's no way....he couldn't be...talking about me could he?!?

"No, I'm sure she does," I sigh as I shake the feeling off. No way. I know they love each other, even if he is talking about her...I should encourage him. That's what a good friend would do...and if he is talking about me then...then good. "You should ask her just to be sure, that way you don't die with regret...you know?"

"Heh, when did you get so wise?!" He laughs and ruffles my hair causing me to groan and chase after him.

The two of us run through the streets like children playing tag. The sound of his laughter is nice, being able to play like this is weirdly comforting. It feels stupid at times, but mostly it's an easy way to get my mind off of things.

Yet this time my thoughts are still elsewhere.

What if he is talking about me? What if he did mean he liked me?

-

My smile goes from giddy to strained in under a second. Seeing him turn that corner after so long of us being apart made a feeling of relief wash over me. I was so scared that he had gotten hurt and died somehow...but that was silly. Edward was smart and had always managed to get himself out of dangerous situations in the past...I should have had faith he would pull through until the end.

So I was relieved to see him... But not to see him holding hands with her. Grinning and joking around with pink blushes on both of their faces.

It sickened me.

He really wasn't talking about me that time.

I'm so stupid... I'm so foolish.

He approaches us and I allow tears to start falling from my face, causing him to step back with shock.

"I was so worried!" I halfway lie as I consume him with a hug, "I thought you had died!" Let me have this. This one last fleeting moment...the last time I can hug him like this. Let me hold him for a few seconds, I don't mean anything by it...just for one last time, please. I'm not ready to lose this yet.

Please. Please please don't take this from me. Tears fall from my eyes like a typhoon, staining his jacket and I can't help but allow myself to let all of the years of unrequited love pour out.

After a few seconds he returns the hug, "I'm so sorry," he says and now only more tears fell. "I didn't meant to hurt you." And my heart aches at that because whether he knows it or not...it felt like a rejection. It felt like he was finally telling me that I never had a chance with him.

Whether he meant it that way or not, I'll take it to my grave. No one but me and my mother will know that I'm in love with this man...forever by him, but never at his side.

-

Author: Yo, been awhile! Sorry I've been so inactive, I've been preoccupied with being an adult with a job. This is more of a vent post, mildly inspired by real life events. Also fr wrote this in 30 min so don't be mean 😭