Gorgeous

Chapter 48

Vera pov...

Chris looks absent during lunch deep in thought the look on his face sad or worried or i dont know but he is not his happy go lucky self. "You, okay?" I ask him, running my hand through his hair. I still could not get used to his beardless face and i couldn't wait until his beard would be back... Dont get me wrong he is handsome either way but i preferred the beard... It looked more like him... in a way... 

"I am fine gorgeous..." He said giving me a smile, but the smile doesn't reach his eyes... His eyes have this sad look in them.... Like he wasn't happy... That something was weighing heavy on his mind... He kissed my cheek assuring me that he really was okay... I let it go not wanting to be pushy... but my own emotions were all over the map. I laid my head on his shoulder and let out a little sigh. We sat there a little longer while we ate but i had lost my appetite. I was getting lost in my own thoughts...

I know he told me he loved me every day... The sex was amazing... mind-blowing even... He couldn't keep his hands off of me... We cuddled every night until we were both asleep. We laughed together had fun went out to dinners and on dates... Everything that you would do when you loved someone... But then why did he look so sad... Why was he not his happy go lucky self... Was he acting like he loved me? Was it because he felt like he had no choice now that i was pregnant... Would he have asked me to move in... if i not had told him i was pregnant first... Was he only with me because of the babies? Was it all a lie...?

Chris took me back to the RV and pulled me into his arms and kissed me goodbye before getting back to set. I was spaced out as he hugged and kissed me... My mind not their as i was spiraling further in my own head, but Chris didn't seem to notice... or maybe he simply didn't care... 

As soon as the door had closed i sunk down on my knees. My emotions were so conflicted and the idea i was living a lie got more and more leeway in my head.... As much as i tried... I couldn't stop my downward spiral... I tried to calm my own mind telling myself to stop it over and over again. Hating myself for thinking like this because i had no proof of this and i was sure i was going crazy... But in the back of my mind.... I just kept thinking that it was not real that all this was just... I dont know what but i got the feeling that it was getting harder and harder for Chris to keep up the facade...  

Then i started to scold myself about thinking like this... I was treated like a princess... Chris would do anything for me... I had no evidence that he was pretending but the thought of it all being a lie came back over and over again which made me even angrier with myself... Chris didn't deserve this... He loved me right...? He says he does.... He didn't deserve me doubting him... 

But he also didn't deserve to feel trapped with me because i was pregnant and if he really was not happy... than maybe it was better that we would not be in a relationship... Maybe we should just split and co parent... I would never dream of keeping our babies away from him... But i would understand if he didn't want to be in our lives... I just wanted him happy and i didn't want to have a life with a man who didn't really love me... I didn't want him to feel obligated... I sighed even in my head i made no sense anymore... as my thoughts were chaos and all over the map...

I dragged myself to bed and laid down. Dodger immediately cuddled up to me. My thoughts kept spiraling and tears kept coming. I chuckled as Dodger tried to comfort me and as unsure i was about Chris his genuine love for me i knew one thing for sure... Dodger adored me. 

I fell asleep having the most wonderful dream. We were back in Boston sitting in the back yard with our two babies... 2 girls but they were no longer babies but about a year of 4 or 5. They were running around with their dad chasing them laughing and squealing. I was pregnant again sitting down watching them. I was happy... We were happy... It was like the picture-perfect family. It was everything i had ever hoped to have in life... A family... Love and just being happy... But all of a sudden, the air in my dream turned dark... the bright colors were replaced with dark once... 

Chris was now longer laughing and looking happy instead he was yelling at me on how i ruined his life by getting pregnant... How me and our girls were just a burden to him, and he never wanted us... How everything wrong in his life was our fault... That he only kept us around because it would look bad and effect his career if he left us...The look in his eyes dark... ominous... angry and just scary...

I woke up crying... I pulled Dodger closer and cried into him. The dream played over and over in my head. Him screaming at me and our babies... It looked so real... The look in his eyes of disgust... About what his life had become... The way he looked at me as if i was the most disgusting thing ever...

He wasn't happy... I couldn't do this to him... I needed to give him an out... Telling him it was okay to let us go if he wasn't happy... 

I heard the door of the RV open and i tried to pull myself together but i was no use... I was sobbing and couldn't stop... I felt Chris sit down and push a strain of hair out of my face. "Hey, hey, hey what is wrong gorgeous..." He asked but i couldn't answer as sadness took over and in my mind i was sure... This was the end...

Chris laid down next to me pulling me into his arms and for a moment i let out a sigh wanting to be selfish for just one more minute... and enjoy his embrace... His warmth and his love... Even if it was not real....