Finding Her

Hungover

I wake up and instantly throw up.
I miss the bucket and throw up on the bed.
Jane awakens
"Ohh baby"
"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to"
"Baby it's okay. I'll clean it up."
I stand up and nearly fall.
She helps me to sit at my desk chair.
"My head really hurts"
I tell her as I put it in my hands
"That's because you blacked out and hit your head baby"
"When?"
"When you went to the bathroom during the night."
"I'm sorry"
"No no it's okay. You've helped me when I was like this so now I'm helping you."
I nod as she changes the sheet.
I take a ibuprofen and some water
"I feel better"
I say as I drink my hangover soup cure.
"That's good baby"
She kisses me on the cheek as she eats her breakfast.
I sit outside in the backyard staring at a leaf that eventually blows away when Jane comes outside
"Baby you must be freezing come on inside?"
"I'm okay"
I shrug.
She sits next to me and takes my hand into hers
"Baby you're so cold."
She pulls me up off the chair and brings me inside.
My masks drops for a minute
I'm mad at her
I don't understand why she can't just leave me alone.
My eyebrows furrow and my mouth turns downwards.
"I HATE IT SO MUCH!"
I start to cry
"You hate what baby?"
"Everything."
"Baby what's going on? Are you having those thoughts again?"
I nod ashamed
"Oh baby it's okay."
She takes me into her arms like the first time I told her about my suicidal thoughts.
I deal with death every day and I got jealous of the people who died of natural causes.
"I'm sorry Janey"
"It's okay baby, you don't need to apologise for something that you can't control"
Tears fall quicker as she holds me
"I love you"
I tell her as she retracts from me.
"I love you more baby."
She takes me to go get coffee and the groceries.
I sip on my drink and we go look in the aisle.
"Do you need any period products baby?"
"Sure"
I put some pads and tampons in.
We share a look.
I then walk in front of her.
"Need anything else baby?"
I pick up some ibuprofen and she sighs.
"You told me to get what I need?"
I say as I look at the floor.
"I know baby"
I pick out some treats since we're planning on watching a movie together tonight.
I don't talk to the cashier , I just continue staring at the floor.
I get into the car and she unloads the shopping into the boot.
I wince as my rib twinges.
She gets in the car after she put the cart back.
I stare out the window and tears form in my eyes
"Why are you crying?"
"Can we just go home? I don't wanna talk right now Um maybe later"
"Okay baby no rush"
She drives us home and we watch the movie.