Finding Her

Drugs

Allen watches as I cower in the corner
"Are you still feeling the effects of the drug?"
He questions
I nod as my hand shakes
He puts his hand out
"Huh?"
"I'm going to help you up dumbass"
"Oh okay"
I take his hand and he helps me to sit down onto the bed.
"Here,drink some water"
I sip on it
"Thank you"
I place it onto the dresser as I start to cry.
He suddenly takes me into an embrace and I sob.
I pull back away.
"Give me your arm!"
I shiver in fear as I hold out my arm instinctively.
He grabs the syringe and injects me.
I feel hazy and he picks me up.
My bones feel broken and heavy so I don't attempt to fight.
My hands shake as I try to keep my grip on his body as he carries me down some stairs.
He throws me into the boot of his car.
I try to pull myself out but he whacks me back inside it.
He closes the boot and locks it.
He starts to drive
He turns up his music as I begin to scream.
The car comes to a screeching halt.
"Get out!"
He orders me as he yanks me up.
I stumble onto the gravel and I cut my knee open.
I wince and I try to stop the bleeding.
"Stand up you fucking pussy!"
I stand up and he slaps me back down again.
He kicks me in the ribs until I spit up blood.
I wake up screaming and Jane is rubbing my back.
"Deep breaths baby...in and out. Here have some water"
She helps me to drink from the water bottle as I sob.
She comforts me as I tell her about the nightmare
"Aw honey...I'm so sorry"
"I learned to give in to the drugs and then I couldn't fight him off me"
She nods
We eat dinner and then it's time for therapy
I go into the room and I instantly feel cold.
I shiver and she closes the window.
"Hey Maura and Jane. take a seat"
I sit down and I fiddle with my fingers as Sandy locks the door.
"I'm just gonna get you some water"
She puts a cup down.
"Thanks"
I take a sip and then I put it back down.
"How have you been feeling recently Maura?"
"I'm fine"
"Baby you're lying."
"Jane stop it..."
I stand up and I start to walk around.
"She's loosing her ability to cope with her anxiety and thoughts. She is constantly lashing out at me and it's hurting me to see her like this"
"This isn't about you Jane"
I tap my fingers anxiously against my sleeve when the urge to hurt myself arise.
"You have to tell me how you truly feel Maura or else I can't help you"
"Fine! Don't help me then!"
I go to open the door but it's locked.
I pull at the door as Jane watches
I unravel and start to sob.
"Let me out"
"Open the door"
"Please Sandy...let me- let me out"
"OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!"
I cry as I panic.
"Maura honey...Mira please calm down baby"
"I- I- I can't- I can't breathe"
I sob.
Sandy grabs an ice cube
"Hold this Maura. Sit down and focus on your breathing"
She hands the ice cube to me but I put it down because I don't like the coldness of it especially after Allen stuck them inside of me
"Unlock- the door!"
She does that and I attempt to leave.
"No baby sit down, you're still panicking."
"Jane- get- get off!"
I walk out and I run.
Jane follows me up the staircase.
She suddenly tackles me and she holds me as I cry.
"Let ME GO! GET OFF!"
She continues to hold me as I sob and kick,
I'm trying to fight my way out but she has a tight grip on me.
She holds me on the staircase until Sandy arrives.
"Help me take her legs"
Sandy grabs my legs as I scream and kick.
They both pick me up and escort me to the white padded room.
Sandy leaves and locks the door
"Maura, you have to calm down honey"
She tells me over the intercom.
"DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE TELL ME TO CALM DOWN! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH ASSHOLE!"
I kick at the door as I scream.
I bang my fists against it.
"LET ME OUT!!!"
"Honey you're not well and you need to be safe so it's the best place for you. You can't hurt yourself in there"
I'll find a way, I always find a way.
I sob and I scream.
I keep banging on what I think is a two sided mirror.
"I KNOW YOU CAN SEE ME SANDY! LET ME OUT!!"
I finally give up after a couple of hours but I still pace back and forth.
"I might have to sedate you if you don't go to sleep Maura"
She threatens.
I ignore her and I keep pacing and biting my fingernails.
I tap my fingers off the walls in a sequence of 2.
"2,4,6,8"
I repeat and repeat.
I stare at the empty room that has nothing but a bed in it.
I pace as I pull at the skin around my fingertips
I continue to sob.
"What time is it?"
"11"
"How long have I been in here"
"Exactly five hours"
I'm desperate to hurt myself so I hatch a plan
"I- I need the bathroom"
I admit as I pretend to be desperate
"Alright"
Sandy takes me out and she puts her arm around me.
She hurried me into a toilet and she didn't watch me.
She has her back turned at the door
I grab a razor blade from the cabinet while she isn't looking.
I stuff it into my pants
"Ready?"
"Yep"
"I know what you did"
"What did I do!?"
I question as I take a step back.
"You didn't flush the toilet"
"Oh yeah I forgot"
I flush it and then we head back to the room.
Jane watches as I swat Sandy's hand away from me.
"Stop fucking touching me!"
I lie down in the bed and I sob.
"Jane is sleeping outside tonight and then tomorrow I'll be sleeping there"
"You have a fucking rota?"
"Yes"
She closes the door and she locks it.
I cry all night and during that time I cut my arms underneath the sheet since there's cameras.
Jane comes in the morning and she puts her hand on me to wake me up.
I shoot up and I sigh.
I look down to see that my sleeve has rolled up
"What the fuck Maura?"
She looks down to see the million fresh marks that cover my pale skin.
"Go away!"
She calls Sandy in.
"Look what she did!"
She yanks up my sleeve as I try to protest.
"No...stop...fuck you! Hey hey stop!!!"
I sob in pain as she reveals the truth
"Oh Maura honey..."
"Why are you speaking to her with compassion! She's just mutilated herself again in a fucking psych ward!"
"Jane...she's addicted to it. She's a slave to her desires"
Jane storms out.
Sandy sits down on the bed as I sob.
She bandages me arms for me after she cleans them.
"Oh honey...I'm going to have to search you"
"No no. Here take the blade."
I hand it to her
"I'm still going to have to make sure you don't have anything else"
"I don't"
"I'm sorry honey but I need to pat you down"
I sob as she searches the bed and pats me down.
"Okay you need to rest"
She lies me down on the bed and I snuggle into the sheets
"Oh can you check on Jane for me and tell her that I need her and I'm sorry?"
"Of course."

Jane's POV

After I lashed out at Maura, I feel so guilty.
My hand shakes as I pour my coffee.
I sit in the stairwell and drink it as I cry
"Oh there you are."
Sandy appears.
I nod.
"Maura says that she needs you and that she's so sorry"
"I feel so bad...I should've comforted her instead of reprimanding her"
"The past is the past and she already has forgiven you so I suggest you go and show her that you love her"
"I will"
I hug her and then I go back to where Maura is.

Maura's POV

I'm crying my eyes out still
I look up to see Jane lingering in the doorway watching me tap my fingers on the wall.
"I'm so sorry for what I said baby...they're supposed to stop you from doing that to yourself here but they failed"
I instantly go over and hug her.
She lets me break in her arms as she has her hand stroking my hair.
"I want to sleep now baby"
"Of course honey."
She tucks me in and she gets in beside me.
I fall asleep quickly because I'm exhausted