Finding Her

Crying All The Time

I stay in bed as Jane goes to the shops.
I spend my time reading and then crying.
Jane brings me back a blueberry muffin which is my favourite.
I hug her and I start crying again.
"Baby it's okay...."
"You're so nice to me baby."
I cry
"I love you baby, of course I'm going to treat you nice"
I nod as she embraces me.
I stop crying and I start to eat breakfast.
I check the clock and it's 10am.
I finish eating and then I get a check up at the doctors
"You're healing well Maura physically."
The doctor tells me as she inspects the hematomas on my stomach and ribs.
I nod and pull back down my shirt.
We leave since I have no questions.
We go on a walk and I buy some stuff in shops.
I go on my phone for a while and then put it down to have dinner.
I struggle to eat all of it and eat little.
Jane holds my hand as I clean the plate into the bin.
"Baby...are you alright?"
She questions as I frantically pull at my top.
"No"
I shake my head as tears fall.
"Is it the urges baby?"
She notices that I'm scratching my scars.
I nod and I start to sob.
She takes my hands into hers and I cling to her.
"Please don't hurt yourself baby...I'll book you another session with Lindsay for tomorrow okay?"
"Alright"
I nod as I wipe my tears.
I get into my pyjamas and fall asleep almost instantly
Allen takes the handcuffs.
"You haven't been to the bathroom for hours or even days...you must be desperate"
I nod my head.
"Okay darling let's get you standing up.
He helps to get me out of the bed and my legs still feel heavy.
"Woah"
I say as the room starts to spin.
I hold onto him for support
"You're okay"
He helps me into the bathroom and I pull the shorts down.
He watches as I go to the bathroom.
"I'll get you a new outfit, that one is bloodstained"
I nod slightly.
I wash my hands as he re appears with a skirt.
He helps me to step into it.
I start to cry and he doesn't question it.
He just slaps me.
"Did I tell you you could cry! Huh? Answer me slut!"
He whacks me again.
"NO"
I sob.
He yanks me up off the floor which I was on.
He drags me into the bedroom.
I get several abrasions.
"What are you going to do to me?"
I question as he applies my handcuffs to my wrists.
"You'll just have to wait and see baby"
He strokes my face.
My boobs are exposed.
I'm only wearing a black coloured bra because I didn't have time to put on a shirt.
He cups them as I sob and try to look out the window but nonetheless the curtains remain drawn in.
Tears fall quicker as he leaves me on my own.
He comes back with many things.
Dildos
Condoms
Toys
Alcohol.
It's too much to take in.
It's overwhelming.
He comes over and spreads me legs.
He grabs a dildo.
"No please...I don't want to!"
I cry as I shake my head
He pulls out a gun from his waistband and I try to shuffle away.
"Ah ah ah....don't move"
He grins as he sits the gun into his hand.
"You're going to do this or I will shoot you. Do you understand?"
"Yes...yes please- please don't shoot me! Please"
He starts to penetrate me with it and then he uses the other things.
When he's finally done, I'm so exhausted and worried that he'll still shoot me.
He still has the gun in his hand and he turns to me.
My arm hurts from being handcuffed.
"Suck it"
"Suck what?"
I question as I bat my eyes to him.
He pounced on top of me.
"Suck on my gun Maura!"
"Please...don't make me do it"
I cry.
"Open your mouth. It's loaded and I will pull the trigger Maura so you better open your fucking mouth before I blow your brain out and blow your head to smitherines"
He yells at me
I open my mouth a little so the gun won't fit inside.
He puts it to my temple which is just as affective as putting it inside my mouth and pulling the trigger.
"Open it wider Maura or I will fucking shoot you!"
I open it wider and he sticks the gun into my throat.
"Good girl...suck it Maura!"
I sob as he pushes the gun further down my throat.
I spend half an hour sucking it
Afterwards he takes the handcuffs off.
"Never make me do that again"
I cry as I drink some water and shake.
"Don't fucking tell me what to do!"
He hits me and I stop talking.
"I will make you do it if you don't comply...you don't like it do you?"
"No I don't"
I cry.
He leaves me locked in the room and I sob.
I open the curtains and stare outside.
The sun hurts my eyes.
I see no landmarks all I see is the sky.
I must be in an apartment and we must be near the roof.
I close them as I hear the key rustling in the door.
"Why are you standing up?"
"I was walking in circles"
I lie.
He stares at the bruises on me
"I did quite a number on you"
He laughs.
Tears fall again.
"Yes you did"
I say after I sigh.
He sits me down onto the bed and chains my feet up.
I run my hands on my wrist because they hurt from being in handcuffs.
He holds onto my thigh.
I stare at him.
He rubs his hand up and down my thigh and then in between my legs.
I let him finger me because I'm too tired to fight him.
When he's done , he wipes his fingers into my skirt.
It leaves a stain.
I cry.
I yawn.
I fall asleep.
I wake up and decide to cut myself.
I make some deep cuts to my arms and go back to sleep.
I wake up to Jane tucking in her shirt.
"Hi baby"
I say to let her know I'm awake
"Hi honey"
I get up and get dressed.
I skip breakfast and eat a yoghurt pot at the precinct.
"When am I going back to work baby?"
"Four months"
"Four months?"
I repeat thinking I've misheard her
"Yeah baby."
"Okay"
We leave work early and head to my therapy session.