Finding Her

Relapse

I get on with my day as Sandy watches everything I do but when she's not looking, I pick up a chicken bone and I stuff it inside my underwear.
She is distracted by a patient having a breakdown so I snatch it from somebody else's plate.
It's sharp and it'll cut me so it works.
I feel empowered and anticipation.
I go to bed as per usual and when Sandy leaves to go to her room , I cut myself.
The blood won't stop so I use the back side of my pillow to stop the bleeding.
It eventually stops and I go to sleep.
I wake up in the morning.
I feel so dizzy and hot.
I feel nauseous.
I remember everything I did.
"Checks"
Sandy says as she comes in.
"Maura...you don't look so well."
"I'm- I'm fine"
I nearly black out as I speak this sentence.
She sits down beside me as I hide my arms underneath the sheets
"What did you do Maura?"
"Huh?"
I say before I pass out.
I wake up in a room that is unfamiliar.
I try to open the door but it's locked.
They've fucking locked me in a room!
I call out and Sandy comes in.
"Hello Maura"
She locks the door.
I notice she has a notebook and a pen.
"GET ME OUT OF THIS FUCKING ROOM!!"
I sob as she sits down on a chair
"I'm sorry Maura but you have hurt yourself so you are a danger to yourself"
I pace back and forth as I bite my lip.
I draw blood and she wipes it off.
She sits me down on the bed.
"Honey...you need to talk to me"
I shake my head
"Fine but you'll be staying in this room, alone"
She emphasises the alone part because she knows that I hate being alone.
"NO PLEASE STAY!!!"
I start to sob.
"Okay sh it's okay"
She goes to put an arm around me but I cling to her.
"Can I go home?"
I question awaiting an answer.
"Only if we deem you fit to and if Jane can get a couple of months of work to take care of you"
"I want to go home"
"We'll assess you today and if everything goes okay, we'll send you home tomorrow"
"Alright"
She talks to me for a while and I lie the whole time.
I'm fine
No suicidal thoughts.
I get cleared to go home.
I'm so happy!
"Jane will be here in the morning Maura"
I nod and then I go to sleep.
She wakes me up for dinner and I eat under supervision.
Afterwards, I go to sleep and I can't wait to go home.