Finding Her

Telling Him

I'm now 15 and bunking off school
I walk along the abandoned railway track with Lucky.
I have a bottle of vodka in my hand and I'm downing it.
I turn to lucky and I remove my hand from his.
"Lucky?"
"Yes Maura?"
"My dad rapes me. He has ever since I was a child."
I admit.
He stares at me in shock
"Oh my god! Does your mom know?"
I nod my head.
He comforts me as I cry.
"You should report it"
"No no it'll make it worse"
"Okay sh I'm here"
I stop crying after a while.
He kisses me and we begin to make out.
"Are you sure that we should be doing this?"
I question.
"Only if you're comfortable with it?"
I nod and I kiss him.
He takes my top off and he cups my breasts
He pulls my underwear off and I smile.
I enjoy it.
My first time that I wasn't forced.
Lucky holds me for a while which was nice then he leaves since his mom wants him home by dinner time.
My father shows up just as I pull my top back on.
"Dad? What are you- doing here!?"
"Get in the car now!"
He yells.
I rush to the car sheepishly'
My breath smells like vodka.
"Have you been drinking?! Don't lie to me Maura?!"
"Yes I have"
He slaps me as I hold my cheek in shock.
"Drinking at 15 Maura, I'm not happy with you"
"Raping me at 7 tut tut I'm not happy with you dad!"
He stares at me as he clutches the wheel.
"I- I didn't mean that? It's the alcohol talking!"
"Let me inspect your cunt"
He announces.
"Dad no?"
"Do it Maura or I'll hurt you"
I pull down my pants and he puts his finger on it.
The sudden sensation of throbbing takes over.
"Something tells me that you've been left unfulfilled."
He puts a finger inside as I squirm uncontrollably.
"Okay dad you've had your fun stop!"
He fingers me as I sob.
He cleans off his hand then he drives me home.
I vomit out the window.
"You're disgusting?"
He comments
"I- I know"
His fingers curl around the wheel just like a baby clinging to its mother.
"Dad are you- are you mad?"
I question as I wipe my mouth.
"Yes and I'm seriously disappointed! Don't think that I'm not going to punish you baby because I am"
"Please- I'm sorry! It was just a one time thing!"
"Your mother and I had no clue where you were!"
"Mom's home?"
He nods.
We pull up into our driveway.
My dad hurried inside so I followed behind him clutching my stomach.
My body committing betrayal with each step.
I rush to the sink and vomit.
My dad looks at me with intent.
"Upstairs Maura! Your mother and I are going to have a talk about what the consequences for your actions will be"
I nod slightly and I go upstairs
I do some lines that Lucky gave to me.
I hear screaming from downstairs.
My dad opens the door rapidly
"Come on, come downstairs"
He grabs my arm
"Don't fucking touch me!"
He grabs it tighter.
He lifts me and he holds me in his arms as we tread down the stairs
"LET GO!"
I scream.
He throws me down onto the couch beside my mother who's sitting there with a stern face and a straightened back so I know it's bad.
I attempt to get up but my dad slaps me.
I sit back down and play with my hands sheepishly.
"Stop doing that Maura!"
"What's going on?"
"We're having a family therapy session"
"NO! You have to be kidding me right?!"
"Don't you dare raise your voice like that!"
Just then there's a knock at the door.
"Jennifer!, so nice to see you."
Shit my dad and Dr.Nixon are best friends.
"Hi Dr.Isles, it's a pleasure"
She smiles at him.
"She knows all about the rapes"
He whispers to me.
"I don't think we've ever met before. My name is Dr.Nixon but you can call me Jennifer"
"Hi Jennifer"
They shake hands.
Jennifer sits down opposite to me and my dad sits down right beside me and puts his arm around me.
I scratch at my arm since the needle mark is itchy.
"Hi Maura."
She smiles slightly.
"Why? Why are you here?!"
"I'm here to do a family therapy session with you guys and help yous"
"You can't help us"
"Maura! Seriously shut up!"
"Okay Dr.Isles, can you please not shout at Maura. Look at how upset she's got!"
He turns his face to me and he sees that I'm struggling to contain my sobs.
"No tears"
He tells me as he wipes them
"Just let her cry."
Jennifer tells my father.
He eventually nods with some hesitation.
"When was the last time you had any form of sexual activity with her?"
"When we were in the car on the way home"
"What did you do to her?"
"I fingered her"
He admits as he smiles.
"Did you want that Maura?"
I shake my head.
My dad slaps me in the side of the head.
"I'm done!"
I get off the couch and I walk into the kitchen.
I vomit in the sink.
Jennifer comes running after me.
She holds my hair back.
I push her off slightly since I know that she's pregnant and I don't want to hurt her.
I attempt to go up to my room but my dad grabs me.
"That's the final straw!"
He makes my mom hold me down as he rushes upstairs.
He grabs handcuffs.
He handcuffs me to the table.
"Now you can't go anywhere"
He smirks.
"FUCK YOU!"
I sob.
He sits down next to my mom.
I am audibly sobbing.
"So I'd like to ask you Dr.Isles, how does it make you feel that Maura is so hostile at the moment"
"It makes me want to punish her or even kill her"
She nods
"Please don't kill me!"
"Stop whining!"
I try to stop my tears but they keep coming.
"What are you struggling with at the moment Maura?"
"I'm not talking!"
I sob.
"Fine I'll ask your parents"
"What's she struggling with?"
"I've seen the track marks on her arms! So what now you're fucking drug addict?!"
"I- I'm not an addict! It's just something to take the edge off!"
"Yeah right that's what they all say!"
I cry as he forces my sleeve up.
"That's a fresh one. You're getting a spanking later tonight!"
"I- I'm sorry!"
I sob.
"Too late; save your tears because you'll be crying a lot tonight!"
"I'm going to do serious damage to you tonight!"
Jennifer shifts in her seat.
"PLEASE??!"
I sob.
"I'm gonna kill your insides and I'll make your little tummy bulge."
"NO PLEASE!?"
"I'm gonna break you in very way possible"
"I recommend giving her a break because this is a very stressful situation"
Jennifer comments.
"I'm sorry but I just can't. I need to do it to her"
She nods accepting that he won't stop.
"She is still starving herself and she just got out of the hospital"
"Okay"
"She is reluctant to do what she's told. She constantly screams at us. I don't know why but she's been a lot more emotional lately"
"I started my period that's why?!"
He looks at me shocked and so does Jennifer.
"Congratulations honey."
"Thanks?"
"Are you on it right now?"
I shake my head.
My dad smiles
"Even more reason to do you"
I wail.
"I went through your bag and I found the adderall"
"It's for my adhd dad, you know that?"
"Yes but you're not supposed to have that much! I know you've been bunking off school and doing drugs!"
"How do you know?!"
"Let's just say I have eyes everywhere"
I sob as I realise that he could've seen me making out with Lucky.
"Also that boy that you hang out with, you're not allowed to see him anymore!"
"Dad you can't do that?!"
"I can! I know that you fucked him today!"
"I DID! AND I ENJOYED IT BECAUSE HE DIDN'T FORCE ME!"
He comes over to me.
"I'm sorry to interrupt this session but I'm going to punish her now"
"Okay"
He grabs me and I hit him.
He holds me tightly and he pulls me onto the bed.
He ties me to the bed as I scream.
I can hear my mom and Jennifer talking.
"So you just let him?"
She says.
"Yeah there's not point in stopping him"
My dad looks at me with anger in his eyes.
I move from side to side.
"Stop fighting!"
He sits on my hips and he yanks my trousers down.
I scream as he puts it inside.
He forces me to moan and tell him that I like it.
I'm crying as he pulls out.
He hits me in the stomach multiple times and I scream.
My stomach hurts so bad.
My wrists are hurting so badly.
He drives me to breaking point.
I scream as he slaps me.
I get the handcuffs taken off and we walk downstairs.
"Damn."
My mother says upon seeing me.
My mother takes me into her lap.
I crave the attention but I hate being held.
"It- it hurts so bad"
I cry as she rocks me
"I'm gonna take you upstairs to sleep baby"
My mom tells me.
We both nod.
I get carried upstairs
She cleans the blood off my thighs.
She rubs my hair until I fall asleep.
I wake up screaming.
Jane stares at me.
"Hey hey it's okay"
"Sh sh baby....I'm here"
She cradled me until I decided to get up.
We have breakfast and I go for my normal morning smoke.
We look around the wards then we do a calming jigsaw