Finding Her

Longing

Amy watches as I writhe in pain in my bed.
"Why are you such a wimp?"
She questions as she laughs.
"Everything hurts"
She moves over to me.
"It's gonna hurt a lot more"
"NO PLEASE!"
She smiles as I screech
I wake up screaming and crying.
Jane rushes in from the bathroom.
"Sh sh I'm here, it's okay"
"Make it stop!"
I sob.
"Make what stop baby?"
"Everything!"
She removes her hand from my back.
"Are you having them thoughts again?"
"Yeah, I'm longing to die"
I cry.
"Oh Mira....honey"
She holds me tightly as I sob.
"You need to have a therapy session with Sandy tomorrow baby"
"Why?"
I question as I pick at the skin on my thumb.
"You've just told me that you're having those thoughts again baby that's why!"
"I don't want to, please I don't wanna talk about it. I only feel okay talking about it to you because I know you won't judge me"
I sob
"Baby you're crippled with your anxiety and you second guess yourself all the time"
"That's because I don't have a routine"
"You can't go back to work baby if that's what you're getting at"
"I want to work, it makes it easier baby"
"You're in a psych ward baby"
"I know but I don't want to be here!"
"You need to get better baby and then you can work"
I sigh.
"I JUST WANT TO FEEL NORMAL!"
"Sh sh baby, I know you do but to feel normal you have to get better"
I walk away from her.
"Come back baby"
She sighs.
"Stop following me"
She follows me to the stairs
I have no clue where I'm going but I know I'm not stopping
"Baby, you need to sleep"
"Fuck off"
I climb the stairs but Jane picks me up.
"Put me down asshole!!"
She carries me into the room as Sandy watches.
Sandy comes in to help her lie me down.
"Stop fucking touching me?!!!"
I sob as I become triggered.
"Jane, stop touching her. She's triggered and she could be dangerous"
"I'M NOT DANGEROUS!!!"
I sob as Jane removes her grip from me.
I feel Amy has a permanent chokehold on me.
I sob as Jane sits on the floor.
She crosses her legs and she looks up.
I get under the covers and I put my head underneath.
I feel Amy's breath against my neck.
I turn around away from the wall and I continue to sob.
Jane looks at me.
"Come here baby, come on"
I slowly make me way to the floor and I immediately cling to her.
She holds me as she rocks me.
"Did I hurt you? I'm so sorry"
"No...I just can't stop thinking about Amy"
She nods
"I feel her touching me and she won't stop"
She wipes my tears
"I'll never let her do it again baby, I killed her"
"I know but I still can't forget it"
"You've been diagnosed with severe PTSD."
"I guess the journaling didn't help"
I laugh trying to lighten the mood
"I guess not"
She smiles at seeing me laugh.
She holds me on the floor until I decide to get up.
I go to the bathroom and she follows me
I just accept it because I don't want to ruin it.
When we go to dinner, Sandy comes up behind me.
I feel Allen with the white cloth up to my mouth, I turn around quickly.
"Don't...please..."
I sob.
Jane looks confused.
"Baby it's Sandy"
"No I- I felt Allen"
"Aw baby, it's alright. He can't hurt you"
She holds me and sits me down.
I get severed dinner and I force it down.
She helps me to get changed and then we watch tv.
I sob until I eventually fall asleep.