Finding Her

Bella

I yawn as I wake up.
Jane is pulling on a pair of jeans.
"Hey baby"
"Oh hi honey."
She smiles
I feel a bit off but I just ignore it
I go downstairs and I make myself breakfast.
I go back upstairs after Jane had fed me
I cup my bump as I pull on a bra
The nausea back full force and I retched aloud as my stomach churned.
I turned away from Jane and threw up the little bit of breakfast I had earlier into the sink
"I- I'm sorry! I didn't have time to put the lid up?!
Jane is by my side in a flash, rubbing my back when I continued to retch and gag.
"Sh sh get it all up baby"
I cry as I vomit again
She wipes my face off
"Sh sh let's get you back into bed honey."
"B-but what about my session?!"
"You still have a couple of hours honey. Sandy's coming here so maybe you could have the session in bed and I could light a candle for you?"
"I think that's a good idea"
"Alright I'll just call her."
"Okay thanks honey"
She kisses me then she leaves.
She comes back
"Sandy says that's fine but for now you need to take a nap honey."
"B-but I'm not tired"
"It'll help baby I promise"
"Alright if you say so"
I pull the covers over me and I sigh.
I eventually fall asleep
Jane wakes me as I scream.
Sandy is sitting down
"Sh sh hey hey you're safe?! Look Sandy is here now baby."
"H-hi"
Is all I manage to say.
"Hi did you have a nightmare Maura?"
"Yes"
I nod my hand ashamed as Jane helps me to sit up in the bed.
"Can you talk about it?"
"He wouldn't get off?"
I can imagine my kid self cling to her legs as she sobs
"Who wouldn't honey?"
"M-my dad!"
"Okay and was this when you were a child?"
I nod as I hold onto my blanket for dear life.
"He- he gave me a stuffie to hold. I- I loved that stuffie like it was a child. He broke me that night"
They know that a stuffie is basically a teddy
Jane sits down on the bed and she holds me as I begin to sob
"Do you mean he broke you mentally?"
"Yes but he physically broke me too."
"I had stopped fighting him and I clung to the teddy as he forced himself deeper inside."
"That's it baby cling to your stuffie while daddy fills you with his load."
He comments
I hide my face with the stuffie as I wine in pain.
I sob and screech
"W-what age were you?"
Sandy questions
"Five"
My heart breaks even more
I clutch my bump as I sob
"Oh honey you were so young."
"At- at that age I didn't know it was wrong! Yeah it hurt and yeah I fought but I just- I just let him do it after a while!"
"That's because it hurt too much to fight honey."
"May I ask which stuffie it was?"
Sandy questions as I cry
I point to the one sitting on my dresser
"Alright now I'd like you to just hold it."
"No!"
I shake my head rapidly
"Just for a second nothing's gonna happen if you hold it baby"
Jane tells me.
"Okay okay fine."
I swallow the sick that had came up and I take a deep breath
"Would you be okay if I touched it?"
Sandy questions as she stands up to get it
I nod my head
"Does she have a name?"
"Bella"
I reluctantly speak
"That's a nice name. Why is she called that?"
She takes it off the shelf where it's been for years
"I just liked that name. I had a dog called Blondie until I was 11, my dad gave her away to punish me. Blondie and Bella it had a ring to it"
"Okay why don't you hold Bella?"
I reluctantly take it and I have a flashback to me holding it
"Hey hey look at me look. You're safe."
"He- he can't hurt me!"
I cry
"Exactly."
Jane comments as she watches me holding Bella in my hands not knowing what to do
"What colour is Bella?"
Sandy questions
"Brown"
"What is Bella?"
"A bunny rabbit."
"Stroke Bella's ears"
I cling to Bella while stroking her ears
Jane watches with a smile knowing that I'm confronting my demons
"What does Bella bring you?"
"She brought me comfort as a child."
She nods
"Does she still bring you comfort?"
"Meh not really but I think she might start"
I smile slightly as I continue stroking her ears
"I'm so proud of you Maura. I know it's a big step but you're doing amazing!"
I smile as I thank
"We might go through stuff that triggers you just to get an understanding of it"
"Oh okay"
She leaves and I stay in bed
Jane kisses me as she gets in underneath the covers
"Baby"
"Yes?"
I respond as I continue stroking Bella's long ears.
"Would you like Bella to stay in the bed with us?"
"I-I don't know?"
I start crying as I hide my face
"Don't be ashamed baby. I don't mind if she stays."
"A-are you sure?"
"Of course"
"Okay yeah I'd like her to stay"
"Okay great"
I cling to Bella and Jane.
"Don't fight sleep baby. Bella and I will be right here if you have a nightmare okay?"
She pushes some hair off my face
"Okay thanks baby. You've been so good to me!"
"I love you"
She kisses me
"I love you more"
I kiss her and I turn away from her
I cling to Bella and I stroke her as I let myself fall asleep