Finding Her

Overwhelming Sadness

Tears fall as I reminisce on the woods incident.
I wake up slightly panicked.
"I- I feel a sense of overwhelming sadness and pain"
I tell her
"Sh sh I'm here"
Jane takes my hand and coaches me through my breathing.
I feel fine after a couple deep breaths
Jane helps me into the shower
I stand there like an imbecile not knowing what to do
My hands shake the whole time.
"Can you shower by yourself honey?"
I shake my head rapidly
"That's okay, I'll help you"
She removes her tank top and then she gets inside with me.
She lets the water rain down on me.
It feels so freeing so I smile lightly at her.
She smiles back
She lathers the shampoo into my hair and she rinses it out.
She then conditions my hair and does the same routine
I end up crying
She takes me into her arms
"What's wrong baby?"
"This should be a nice moment but I feel so awkward"
"Aw honey."
I cry into her chest as she pats my back.
She finished rinsing my hair so she just stands there holding me
"He- he wouldn't leave me alone!"
I sob
"I'm so sorry honey"
"It was all my fault, don't be sorry"
"Baby no it's not your fault at all"
"It is! I pushed him, I made him- I was asking for it"
She shakes her head
"Most victims of rape blame themselves"
I sob as she rubs her hands through my hair
"I do blame myself because it's my fault!"
"What do I have to do to convince you that it wasn't your fault honey?"
"Nothing because it's all my fault!"
She cups my face
"Look at me baby"
I shake my head.
She cups it slightly harder.
"Stop- please"
She lets go but she places her hands onto my shoulder
"Look at me baby."
I finally look at her
"Nothing was ever your fault"
I shake my head and she nods hers.
I quickly get out of the shower and I wrap a towel around me.
I blow dry my hair to block out Jane who's trying to convince me that it wasn't my fault.
"They made me believe that it was my fault and now I can't stop."
"Who made you believe that baby?"
"Allen, Amy,Hugo and my dad."
She frowns.
"You deserve this baby"
Allen yells at me as he places the shackles onto my waist
"Please- please don't sir"
"This is what you get baby. You did something wrong so I'm teaching you a lesson"
"All I did was stand up!"
"Yes when I had told you to stay in bed!"
"That was the day before?!"
He smacks me hard
I zone back in and Jane is staring at me
"Did you have a flashback baby?"
I nod rapidly as I hold my breath
"Breathe baby, in and out"
I let go of the breath that I was holding.
I take some deep breaths.
She takes me into her arms and I sob.
"Sh sh I'm here honey"
She gets me dressed.
"I- I wanna to go for a walk."
"Okay baby. Grab your bag"
I use the bathroom then I grab it.
I walk downstairs and she's there at the door
"Ready?"
I nod.
She takes my hand then she locks the door.
We walk to the park.
I get a coffee and I sit on the swing
When Jane's not looking, I put some vodka inside it
I swing lightly as I sip from the coffee cup.
Jane sits down on the swing next to me and she watches me
"You need to eat."
"What- what are you talking about?"
"You haven't eaten in two days cause you've been sleeping so I'm bringing you get food"
She grabs my arm.
"Hey let go!"
"No because you're going to run."
"N- no I'm not."
She keeps a hold of me as she brings me to a restaurant
"We're going to have a normal dinner like normal people"
"Baby- please? Don't make me do this"
"Sit your arse down and I'll go up and order."
"Fine!"
I feel furled with anger.
I sit down and I shove my bag down.
She grabs her money.
I down the flash of vodka as Jane goes to order
I shake slightly as I watch other people eating.
She sits down across from me and she stares into my eyes.
"You better eat baby if not, I'll feed you"
"You're being mean, stop"
"I just want you to eat baby"
"Yeah well I'm not going to!"
"Stop you're yelling!"
"Well so are you?!"
She rolls her eyes.
Our food is ready so Jane grabs it
She got me a portion of chips.
I push it away from me melodramatically
She grabs it and she opens it.
She puts a chip on a fork and she holds it up to my mouth.
I slap it out of her hand.
She smells me
"Are you drunk?!"
"So what if I am?!"
She sighs.
I start to cry.
"Don't pull that crap."
I sniff and struggle to hold my tears.
She puts another chip and I whack it again
She sits beside me so that I'm trapped
"Let- let me out!"
"Not until you eat!"
I shake my head
She cups my face and she makes me open my mouth.
She quickly grabs the fork and places the chip into my mouth.
"Chew now baby"
I chew slowly then I swallow.
She does it again and again until I've eaten half of the chips.
She eats the other half.
"I need the bathroom"
I have the intention of purging
"Fine but I'm coming with you!"
"Fine?"
She comes in but she stops me from locking my stall.
"What the fuck Jane?!"
I am slurring my words
She steps inside my stall.
"Go to the bathroom Maura"
I try to push her out of the stall.
"I'm not leaving so you may as well just go!"
"Get- get out"
I whisper as I cross my legs because I'm desperate.
"No I'm not going anywhere"
She closes the door behind her and she locks it
I sigh as I pull down my thong.
She stares not knowing that I wore one.
I pee as she stares at me
I sniff as I wipe myself.
I pull my jeans and thong back up.
I attempt to leave but she won't unlock it.
I open the pocket in my coat and I pull out a new flask.
It's filled to the brim with vodka
"Baby no, don't drink it! You're drunk already"
I chug it as she tries to take it from me.
I unlock the door as she gets pushed to the wall.
I grab my bag and I walk out into the street.
Jane grabs me as a car speeds past.
"Fuck sake! You could've gotten hit by that car?!"
"I should've been- why couldn't you've let me die?!"
I get confused and shake my head.
Jane quickly takes me into her arms
"Let go of me! Put me down- you prick?!"
"Don't talk to me like that!"
She quickly grabs a hair tie off this nice woman
She sits me down onto a chair and she ties up my hair.
"Can you walk?!"
I nod.
She takes my hand.
We walk a little before I attempt to throw myself under a car
She grabs me
She quickly puts me back into her arms
"No no!"
I scream as I flip out.
She carries me home as I scream and sob.
When we get home, she places me down onto the couch.
She grabs a blanket and she wraps me in it.
I hurry off and I vomit in the sink.
This time she doesn't come running to hold back my hair.
I vomit and then Jane comes in holding her phone.
"I've called Sandy"
I wipe my mouth and I stare at her
"You called Sandy?!"
"Yes you're going to the hospital"
"The- the hospital?!"
"Yes you're not well"
"No no no no"
I repeat
"Yes"
She responds.
I sob as I vomit again
"I told her that you were trying to kill yourself so she's calling you an ambulance"
"No! No ambulance?! I wasn't trying to kill myself"
"You literally stood in the road then you tried to throw yourself under a car!"
I hear sirens
"No no!"
The ambulance pulls up and Jane lets them in
"NO! STAY AWAY?"
I grab a knife from the draining boards
"It's a butter knife but the patient is frantic violent"
A paramedic radios
"Hi Maura. We're not going to hurt you"
"You're working for him!! You're gonna poison me!!"
"Why would we do that? Who do you think we're working with?!
"My- My dad. He's a doctor?!"
Jane's mother appears from her house
"What's happening Janey?!"
Jane takes her aside
"Maura's having a serious episode ma"
"Oh god"
I'm shaking as the paramedics wrap me in a special blanket
I keep my head down as they escort me to the ambulance.
One paramedic at each side with one arm around me.
They help me up onto the bed
Jane comes in
"No get out! I don't want you here!"
"Baby please-"
"NO YOU CALLED SANDY AND I DON'T FORGIVE YOU YET? I'm sorry baby but I just need time"
"That's okay. I'll be here when you get out."
I nod
"Ma, will you go with her?"
"Of course"
Angela steps inside the ambulance and she sits down.
The paramedic starts to drive as I cry.
Angela takes my hand.
I feel unsafe but Angela makes it better
Her sweet smile brings me comfort.
"It's gonna be okay Maura. I'll be here with you. You won't be alone in the hospital"
I nod slightly.
I get a light shined into my eyes to make sure that I can follow it.
My eyes follow it perfectly.
I get transported to hospital and I get put on a 42 hour psych hold.
"This is kidnapping! I don't want to be here?!"
Angela sits down on the bed beside me
I sob.
"Do you want me to hold you?"
"Y-yes please"
She opens her arms and I sit in between her legs.
She holds me like a daughter.
"You're like a daughter to me Maura. I hate to see you like this"
"I'm sorry Angela."
She sits me into her lap and she rubs my back.
The smell of her perfume is so nice and it lingers on my skin.
"Try and get some rest honey."
I nod and I cry myself to sleep in her arms