Finding Her

Revealing Secrets

I'm sleeping when Allen appears.
He wakes me up as the world starts to spin.
"Eugh...my head hurts....Allen?"
"What?"
He question as I blink.
"My head hurts...do you think you could pick me up some painkillers?"
His face turns to anger.
He yanks me to the sink in the bathroom
"What! Stop please!?"
He starts to rail me against it.
I sob and he smacks my head into the sink which makes my head bleed.
"That's not gonna help your concussion so yeah I'll get you them painkillers after you eat something because you can't take them in an empty stomach"
"Thank you...so much"
I cry as I pull back up my shorts
The abrasions on my wrists are getting worse and it hurts to move.
He handcuffs me to the bed but he lets me sit up this time.
He places a bowl of soup and a side of brown bread down onto my lap.
He stares at me awaiting something with his arms crossed.
"Thank you."
I reply.
I try to eat it but the handcuffs prevent me from doing so.
"Can you please...feed me?"
"Of course baby"
He takes the spoon away and loads some of the soup onto the brown bread.
"Open your mouth slut"
A tear falls from my eyes as he puts the spoon into my mouth.
"Swallow"
I swallow after I chew.
He gives me a drink.
I drink some and then he feeds me again.
He touches my boob as I eat and then he puts his hand on my face.
I try not to cry but I fail.
He slaps me and puts away the soup
He starts to do me as I cry.
I feel myself becoming weaker.
"What? What did- you give...me?"
I cry as my vision blues
"You tell me Dr.Isles"
He mocks.
"Um my sight is blurred and I feel like I've been stuffed with rocks.... sustol..."
He nods as I start to lose my mind.
I start screaming and attempting to move my legs but they feel rock solid.
"I- I I can't...move"
I cry as my legs spasm.
"Good that means I can do whatever I want to you and you won't fight back."
He rapes me as I cry.
When he's done , my legs feel like jelly.
"I'm going to get your stuff now."
I nod as my hands shake.
He leaves and I hear the door lock.
I have one hand handcuffed to the frame of the bed.
I feel so stressed out.
I watch the curtain and it's been closed for ages.
My hand shakes.
I try my best to sleep.
I hear a door slam and he storms in.
I pass out after he gives me two pills
I wake up and Jane comforts me.
I cling to her and I sob.
She holds my tightly.
"He wouldn't....stop...he gave me pills and then I blacked out"
"I'm sorry that happened baby. We need you to get a therapist baby because you can't keep living like this"
"Living like what?"
"Living in fear and having constant nightmares. They could teach you to manage your panic attacks just in case I can't be with you when they happen"
"No Janey please I don't want a therapist"
"I'm sorry baby but it's for the best"
I immediately get up and change my clothes
"I'm going on a walk."
"Okay I'll come"
"No please , I wanna be alone"
"Please turn your location on baby"
I nod and turn it on.
I grab my coat and leave with tears steaming up in my eyes.
She watches me leave.
I walk into town and I get a coffee.
I sit in the cafe with tears dripping down my face
"Are you okay miss!?"
A woman asks
"I'm okay thanks."
"You don't look okay"
"I'm...I'm just sad that's all. Thank you for asking you're so kind"
"No problem."
She leaves with her kid by her side.
I smile reminiscing on that as I walk home with a smile.
I walk the other way home to avoid the street I was abducted on.
I unlock the door with my key and Jane immediately greets me
"Honey, it's nearly dark! Where have you been? sit down, you look like you'll collapse"
I sit down and my legs hurt.
Jane makes me a cup of tea and I drink it.
"I went to the coffee shop."
"You walked for an hour just to get a coffee?"
"Yeah and it felt good okay. It was freeing and I felt at peace. Is there something wrong with that??!"
"Baby please...don't be like that."
She sighs
"I'm sorry- I'm just so mad all the time!"
"Why are you mad baby? Get it all out."
"I'm mad because...I couldn't stop it. I couldn't stop the kidnapping. I couldn't stop the rapes...I couldn't stop slitting myself....I couldn't stop Amy. I can't stop my panic attacks and the thoughts on my head"
"Are you still having those thoughts again baby?"
I nod and break down crying again.
She sits me onto her lap and she embraces me
"I'm sorry baby- I want to live but it won't stop...the thoughts are 24/7"
"Baby never be sorry, you're struggling severely!"
She rubs her hand on the scar on my wrist.
"We need to keep you safe baby so you don't do that again"
"I- I am safe"
"But you aren't if you're having them thoughts"
She watches as I try to think.
I'm quivering in her arms as I stutter trying to get my words out
"Take your time baby, Sh sh deep breaths remember"
"I- I I don't want to die....I really don't but it seems like an - easy way out and I wouldn't be in pain or mentally suffering"
"Baby I seriously need to get a therapist for you baby before it's too late"
"It's already too late...there's no saving me. I've been struggling since a child Janey and I'm sick of it"
"Don't say that baby. We can make you stop hurting....you can get better"
"Really?"
"I believe in you baby"
"Fine...can you get me a therapist?"
"Okay baby...you're doing the right thing...you'll feel like a new woman"
I nod as I get off her lap.
"Um eh this might sound werid...."
"Nothing sounds weird coming from you baby , what is it?"
"Um could you come to the sessions with me? I don't like being alone during them."
"Of course , I never knew you had a therapist before?"
"When I was younger , my parents got me one because I smoked and rebelled against them because I never asked for much"
She nods.
"It was very awkward during the sessions and I would never talk when my parents came because my therapist always broke the confidentially agreement. He told them everything I had said, that I was neglected and I had even used the word abused at one point, he told them that I was struggling with my smoking problem and my anxiety. He told them that I was hanging out with Lucky every day after school instead of going to study club instead we smoked at the railway station and made love to each other"
"You and Lucky were dating?"
"We were secretly dating yeah and then I realised that I'm gay so yeah....we broke it off and he was okay with that so we just stayed friends."
"Okay"
She smiles
"You're not mad?"
"Baby I literally couldn't give two shits about who you have dated in previous years"
I nod and I smile.
I kiss her and then she goes to the bedroom to make a phone call.
I start to make dinner.
"Baby there's a therapist called Lindsay and she's willing to be your therapist"
"Is she an actual therapist?"
"Yes"
"Okay I guess so"
I shrug as I taste the sauce I was making.
"Okay she can meet tomorrow if you're willing to?"
"Yes that's okay with me."
"Okay"
She kisses me and then goes to call Lindsay  back.
Afterwards , we both have dinner and then we go to bed.