Finding Her

Home

When we get home, everything feels off.
I move that stupid rug.
Jane looks at me.
"It's getting late honey, we should go to bed."
"I- I need to clean this place!"
"You can do that tomorrow baby, for now you need to rest"
I nod my head because I just don't want a fight.
She helps me to get a shower.
"Thanks baby"
I cry as I lie my head onto her chest.
She smiles.
She holds me and sways me slightly to make me stop crying.
She then gets me dry and dressed.
Jane makes up the bed while I stand outside having my evening smoke
I spray some perfume and I brush my teeth.
I lie down and I snuggle into Jane.
She reminds me how much she loves me before I fall asleep.
My dad watches as I notice that he's there.
Lucky and I were just about to make out.
We had kissed and he had started to unbutton my shirt.
He hand his hand on my boob.
My dad walked over.
"Dad-"
"Save it! I forbade you from seeing him!"
He tells me as he drags me away.
Lucky walks away because he doesn't want to get involved which is understandable.
Once I drag my heels, my dad lowers me to the floor.
He kicks me in my ribs as I wail.
He gathers me up in his arms and he throws me into the back seat.
He rips my shirt fully off.
I hit my head off the window and get knocked out.
I wake up and I have a pounding headache.
I shift uncomfortably.
My dad is sitting at the bottom of the bed
"Oh you're awake?"
He smiles.
I turn my head to realise that I'm handcuffed.
"Dad please- I'm sorry!"
"Oh shut up!"
He yells which makes me flinch.
He pounces on me and he rapes me for hours.
I finally snap.
"I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO HAVE A FUCKING BOYFRIEND! YOU RAPE ME NEARLY EVERY SINGLE NIGHT SO SORRY IF I WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T FUCKING FORCE ME!"
He rapes me harder after that.
"STOP PLEASE?!"
I cry as he's hurting me.
"Make me!"
I wake up crying next to Jane
Jane is quick to hold me and comfort me.
"Sh sh it's not your fault baby"
"It is!"
I sob.
"Sh sh"
She cradled me until I sob crying and just become like a zombie.
I'm not talking or making any noise.
Just laying in the comfort of Jane's arms
"What are you going baby?"
She questions once she notices that I'm rubbing my hands along her bra line.
"I'm just taking in this beautiful moment"
I smile.
"Aw"
She smiles too.
I get up and I yawn.
I take a paracetamol since my rib is hurting but it's getting better.
Jane gets dressed quickly as I take my time.
I go out to the kitchen where she is.
She makes me a bagel with ham and cheese.
I eat it but struggle to finish it.
"I- I can't eat anymore of it!"
I sob.
"Sh sh it's alright baby, you've eaten enough and I'm very proud of you"
She hugs me.
I hug her back and she finishes my bagel for me.
We go for a walk and I take my morning smile while we walk.
I force myself not to cry as I hallucinate that I've seen Allen across the street.
"Should we get coffee baby?"
I nod.
"Alright baby"
We head into a coffee shop.
We both get lattes and we sit outside.
It's a warm enough day so we decided to sit outside.
I sip at it as I check my phone.
I put it down so I can engage with Jane.
"So baby how've you been? I didn't think to ask what was it like for you in the mental hospital"
"It was alright baby. I'm great now that we're home baby"
I nod slightly.
"I- I don't know why you love me!"
I start to sob.
She quickly moves her chair.
She cups my face and she holds me.
"Baby I love you because you're my girlfriend! I love you because you make me happy!"
I shake my head
"I- I don't make you happy! I make you miserable and I make you cry"
"Yes sometimes you make me cry baby but it's not you!! You've never made miserable honey"
She holds me as she wipes my tears.
"I'm here baby, we can talk when we get home"
I nod slightly.
We walk home.
"Maybe it would be a good idea to see the street you were kidnapped on, it's apart of healing baby"
I shake my head rapidly.
"No no no please!"
"Sh sh baby, I'm sorry! It was a suggestion and a bad one. I know that you're not ready"
She kisses me and I kiss her back.
We go back home.
When I walk inside, I immediately break down again.
Jane puts her purse onto the counter then she takes me into her arms.
"Hey baby, what's on your mind?"
"Nothing- I'm fine"
"I know that you're not baby, tell me please baby?"
"I keep having flashbacks and they won't fucking stop! I deserve it but it won't stop!"
"Baby you most certainly didn't deserve any of it."
"I WAS BAD! REALLY BAD SO I DESERVED IT!"
"How were you bad baby, enlighten me?"
"I- I can't"
I walk away and I slam the door.
"Baby baby please, tell me?"
"Fine."
I sit down and wrap myself in a blanket.
She sits down next to me
"I- I protested against him! I would hit him! I would fight with every piece of strength I had- I was so bad! Fuck why did he?!"
"I - I don't know baby but all I know is that it's good that you fought because you showed him your strength"
"But I showed him my weaknesses-"
"Sh baby, calm down"
I work on my breathing which had turned erratic.
"I- I was such an easy target? He told me that!"
"Well you're so hyper vigilant at the moment baby that you're not an easy target."
I nod taking in some of the comfort knowing that I'm safe for now.
I lie my head onto her chest and she has an arm slightly around me.
"I- I'm damaged goods? I don't know how you can look at me and love me"
She looks shocked that I said that about myself.
"You're not damaged goods baby?"
"Baby come on! I have scars covering most of my body! Some were put there by vile people and some myself!"
"So what baby? We all have scars that doesn't mean that we're damaged"
She holds me in her arms as I start to sob again
"I'm here baby."
"I- I can't fucking breathe!"
"Okay baby you're having a panic attack."
She sits me up slightly.
"It- it hurts"
I clutch my chest
"Deep breaths baby. In and out"
She helps me by rubbing my back.
She helps me to calm down.
"Get some sleep baby"
"But- but it's 7:30? Shouldn't we get up?"
"No No honey, have a lie in."
"Oh okay"
I kiss her and she kisses me back.
I put my head down on the pillow.
"If you need me, I'll be out in the living room with my ma"
"Okay love you"
"Love you more"
She walks off and I fight the urges to hurt myself
I fail and grab my blades.
I cry as I realise that I'll probably never be able to stop
Im so tempted to grab my pills and scoff them all.
Just as I'm about to grab them, Jane appears
By her face, I can tell that Jane is trying to analyse my expressions
She sits down on the bed and stares into my eyes.
"Baby....can I ask you something?"
I nod slightly.
"Now I don't mean to assume but have you hurt yourself?"
I hesitate before nodding.
"I'm sorry!"
I sob.
"No don't be sorry...it's common to relapse baby"
She makes me show her what I've done.
"Let's get you cleaned up"
She smiles
"Let's get you cleaned up"
My dad tells me as the blood seeps into the bed
I instantly yank my arm back and I breath heavily
"Hey you're okay baby. Deep breaths"
"Sorry."
I instinctively say.
"Sh don't be sorry baby"
She takes me into the bathroom.
She cleans my arms then she bandages them.
She kisses me then wipes my tears.
We head out into the living room
"Hi Angela"
I smile as I see Angela.
"Hey Maura. How are you honey?"
She questions as she makes me a cup of tea
"I'm- I'm okay"
She side eyes me.
She gives me the cup of tea
"Careful it's hot"
I nod.
I let it cool then Angela sits down with Jane.
Jane and Angela continue talking about random stuff.
I sip on the tea.
I stare into the abyss and bite my nail.
Angela leaves.
The door shuts and I flinched
I finally came out of my trance.
Jane move over to me
"It's okay baby. Ma just left"
"Oh- oh okay."
I look up at her.
She smiles so then I smile.
We go for a small walk and I smoke a cigarette
When we get home, I just relax on the couch