Finding Her

Emotions

I wake up and I sob.
Everything just comes into my head and I feel like I'll explode
Jane wakes up and catches sight of me
"Did you hurt yourself!"
She automatically grips my arm and tried to pull at my sleeve.
"FUCK YOU!"
I sob as I swing my legs over the bed.
"You can't talk to me like that baby, now just answer the fucking question and don't lie to me!"
"You just assume that I hurt myself! I didn't!"
I quickly get changed and grab my phone and keys.
"Where are you going?!"
"Out! Don't follow me!"
I slam the door and sigh.
I walk along a bridge and fight the urge to jump.
Suddenly Jane is there.
"I TOLD YOU NOT TO FUCKING FOLLOW ME!!"
I grab the rail.
"Baby...don't do it! Come here sweetie."
I shake my head as I put on leg on the rail ready to cross onto the ledge.
She grabs me and she pulls me off.
"Baby I think you're having a manic episode"
"LET ME GO! YOU FUCKING BITCH! WHY DID YOU SAVE ME! YOU SHOULD'VE LET ME DIE!!"
"Baby Sh sh! I saved you because I love you"
"I DESERVE TO DIE! MY FATHER TOLD ME THAT WHEN I WAS TWELVE! TWELVE!"
"You grew up to obey and take in his words baby!!"
I sob into her shirt as she rocks me.
Passers stare at us but they keep walking.
"Baby...you're not well."
"STOP IT! PLEASE! JUST STOP!"
She takes me home.
She lies me down on the bed and leaves.
She comes back a couple of minutes later
"Baby pack a bag"
"Why? Where are we going?!"
I question clueless.
"You're going to the mental hospital again"
"NO I AM NOT!"
I am defiant and I start to kick at her and scream like a toddler.
She restrains me with her hands as I sob and fight
"Baby stop fighting?!!"
She pleads.
"I am not fucking going! LEAVE ME ALONE"
She watches as I sob and I kick the air.
"Listen baby- but this time Sandy says that I can stay with you"
"Are you sure that's allowed?"
"Uh huh because I can get help so that I'll know how to help you and you'll be more comfortable with me because I know about your separation anxiety"
"I DON'T NEED TO GO!"
"I FOUND YOU ON A BRIDGE TONIGHT IN THE FREEZING COLD WITH NO COAT ON AND A PAIR OF LEGGINGS WITH ONLY A SPORT BRA ON YOU! YOU WERE READY TO JUMP OFF THAT BRIDGE SO YES YOU DO NEED TO GO!!"
I start to sob again and then she speaks in a lighter tone.
"You need to pack a bag"
She responds taking out a suitcase for me.
She grabs her one.
"I don't want to!"
"BABY! I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU JUST ROT AWAY! YOU ARE GOING AND THAT'S FINAL!"
She tells me up close to my face
I look down to see that I've pissed myself because I got scared.
She notices it too.
"I'm- so sorry baby"
"SAVE IT!"
I sob as I get off the bed.
I grab a tracksuit pants and top.
They look so big on my small frame.
I get changed in the bathroom after I cleaned myself up.
She has scared me into complying with her demands.
"How long are we staying?"
"A couple of months and baby I'm so sorry! I should've never yelled at you in the first place, I'm just really scared and worried for you"
I start to sob again.
"You care so much about me"
"Of course I do"
I get some clothes out and start packing
I screech suddenly.
"What what's wrong?"
She touches my shoulder and I crack
"Allen...he was here!He was standing right in front of me Jane"
"Yep you're definitely having a manic episode baby"
She holds me for a while and then we continue packing.
Toothbrush, shampoo, conditioner, pads, wipes, clothes, shoes, hairbrush, phone, money and my comfort teddy.
We begin the long journey to the ward and I'm still sobbing,
Jane gives me a paracetamol because she knows I'll get a headache after all this.
I smile lightly and take it.
I fall asleep soon after.
I feel the car halt and it wakes me up.
"What's going on?"
I question as I look around.
"I just need to get gas and I'll get some snacks and drinks okay"
"Okay but please don't take too long"
She smiles and she locks the car so I can't escape.
She gets the gas and then she goes inside
She comes back and unlocks the door.
She gives me a Pepsi because she knows it's my favourite.
"Thank you."
She smiles and she gives me some of the snacks.
"I've been a bitch to you tonight, I'm sorry"
"Baby you were manic, you have nothing to be sorry for"
She got me a salad baguette.
I eat it and then make up an excuse.
I go to the bathroom and I throw it back up.
I spray some of my perfume and then I go back to the car
She starts driving again
I go back to sleep and I feel like I can sleep forever during car rides