Finding Her

Cuts Appear

I wake up sobbing.
"Oh honey Sh sh I'm here"
She sits down in front of me and I instinctively grasp her
I sob into her chest
"Sh sh I'm here baby. You're safe, you're safe"
I shake my head rapidly and I rush off to the bathroom.
I throw up then I head back out.
I wipe my mouth and Jane pours me some water.
"Thanks baby"
I tell her as I take a sip.
"Sh you're okay now baby"
She rubs my back slightly.
"I'm hurting so bad Janey- and I- I can't make it stop"
"Oh honey, how are you hurting?"
"I just feel really sore...it hurts...down there"
I start to cry.
"Oh honey"
She takes me into her arms as I wince.
"How does it feel down there baby? Can you tell me?"
I feel embarrassed but she needs to know
"I- I feel really sore and it hurts a lot."
She nods.
"Can I have a look down there baby? It'll only be for a second"
"Okay- yeah"
She lies me down slightly and she spreads my legs.
I sob in pain.
"Oh honey you have a slight cut. I'll go get the doctor to have a look."
"No! No doctor!"
"Yes baby, the doctors need to see it to see if it needs to be stitched"
I shake my head as I slam my legs shut.
"Baby baby listen to me...you want the pain to go away right?"
I nod reluctantly.
"Then please trust me baby."
"Okay fine...call the doctor please"
A female doctor comes in
"I understand that you have a cut down there Maura?"
"Maybe I haven't looked"
I shrug slightly.
"Can I take a look?"
"S-sure"
She puts me into the childbirth position.
"You have very bad bruising but you have a small cut that can be fixed by healing itself"
"Oh- oh okay"
"The bruising will be sore for a while"
I sigh.
I put my legs back down
The nurses leave
"I- I need the bathroom"
"Okay do you need help?"
"No- it's okay. I- I'm gonna put on a pad since I'm still bleeding."
"Okay, if you need help give me a shout"
"Will do"
I hurry off to the bathroom with my handbag.
I pull out a pad and I open it.
I grab a pair of panties from my handbag and put it on.
I pull them up after using the bathroom.
I grab my blades and I cut my thighs.
I go back out after cleaning them.
They've stopped bleeding
"How are you feeling?"
Jane questions as I crawl back into bed
"In pain."
I whine as I clutch my stomach.
She grabs me a hot water bottle and she puts it onto my stomach.
"Ouch"
I cry at the sudden warm sensation
"Sorry baby?"
She suddenly says
"No it's not you, it's the stupid fucking after effects. Don't worry this happened all the time- when I was young."
"Oh honey you're used to it?"
I nod as a couple of tears escape.
"It- it was worse the first couple of times"
She nods as she strokes my hair.
She gets in behind me and she ends up holding the hot water bottle against my stomach as I wipe my tears.
"Honey don't suck the tears back in, let them fall. You've putting up walls for so long so you need to take them down"
"It's so hard- I'm so used to it!"
I turn around and I sob into her chest
"That's it baby, let it all out."
I shake in her arms as I let myself be fully vulnerable
"It's all my fault!"
"No no baby, it's not and you know that somewhere deep down inside of you."
I shake my head.
"Nope no no, I caused all of this!"
She shakes her head as she embraces me further
I sob whereas she cries.
"He's- he's being held right?! He's not getting away with it?! Right? He's not gonna get me right?"
"Baby baby deep breaths. He's being held in a cell in the precinct and he can't hurt you anymore"
"You're sure?"
"Yes I'm certain"
"Okay- I'm gonna try to sleep"
I say as I look at the clock which has turned to 11:08 pm
"Goodnight baby"
She pulls the covers over us.
"Night honey"
We say I love you then she turns off the lamp by the hospital bed.