Finding Her

Panic Attacks

I wake up and cry.
I stop as Jane rolls over.
"There was so- so much blood on Allen"
"How- long have you been awake baby?"
I sigh as I wipe my tears
"Not long"
She hugs me
I wince in pain as I get undressed.
I take some breaths as Jane holds my hand as she leads me to the bathroom.
"Baby...it hurts too much- to shower."
"Okay baby we'll do it later"
I cry as I hold my bruised rib.
She hands me a paracetamol from the unlocked medicine cabinet.
She closes it and locks it.
I swallow then dry.
I pull on a shirt and I wince.
She comes up behind me and she kisses my neck.
She wraps her hands around my waist and she sways me.
I smile as I make some breakfast.
"We're gonna have a little chat tonight baby...okay? No need to worry, it will be fine"
My chest feels tight.
"I don't...- I don't want a- chat"
"Okay okay baby , you're having a panic attack. I need you to sit down and focus on your breathing."
I clutch my chest as she sits me down
"I'm- I'm too warm!"
I cry as I hyperventilate.
She gets a cloth and wets it.
She puts the damp cloth on my face.
I sit back and relax as I try and breathe.
"In and out baby...in and out."
I sob and eventually my breathing returns back to normal.
"Feeling better?"
She questions as I munch on some cereal
"I guess"
I shrug and continue eating the cereal.
I finish at the same time as Jane.
We both put our bowls into the dishwasher
I put my coat on.
I brush my hair and straighten it and then we go out
"Janey please honey...you're walking too fast"
She slows down as I clutch my rib in pain.
"I'm sorry baby."
She takes my hand into hers
We walk at the same pace and then we buy coffee.
We sit in the park again and I swing lightly as I stare into the abyss.
I focus on a bug crawling around on the floor as I can feel Jane's eyes divert to me
"Baby...let's go home now"
I nod and we walk home.
When we get inside , I lock the door as Jane takes off her coat
I take off mine and get a drink of water
"Sit down baby."
I gulp.
I slowly make my way over to her as my body slightly shakes.
She takes my hand into hers
"Tell me what happened baby?"
I remove it and stand up.
I rush into the bedroom and she stands on the doorway.
"Baby please get out of my way"
"Not until you talk"
"Don't you get it! I'm scared to talk about it!"
I cry as tears fall.
"Sh sh why are you scared baby, what are you so afraid of?"
"I'm scared that you're going to not like me because I slept with another women"
I cry as she starts to embrace me with tears falling down her face.
"Baby...she raped you and I love you always."
"Really?"
"Of course."
"Explain to me what happened baby?"
I tell her in detail while I sob.
"Baby I'm so sorry, I should've checked her credentials before you were taken."
"She - she was a real therapist and doctor"
I admit.
She nods as I sob in her arms.
"I'm so glad you've opened about it...how do you feel baby?"
"I feel like it's a weight off my chest"
I wipe a tear away.
"That's good baby"
She kisses me and then she helps me to get into some pyjamas.
I eat a little bit of dinner and then I go to bed while Jane stays up.
I feel her slip into bed beside me.
I yawn and go back to sleep.
I feel Allen's dick pressing up against me
"What- what are you doing? Don't!"
I cry as he rips my shorts off
"I'm going to rape you!"
He grins as he sticks a finger inside me.
"No don't...stop. Please get your fingers out of me!"
I squeal as he sticks four fingers in.
"I'm not stopping...just cum for me. Cum for me baby"
I cum after he says that and then he rapes me.
It hurts so bad as I lie on the bed as he has a hand on my stomach.
"I'd love for us to have babies, I can imagine you pregnant and the babies we'd have. They'd have your hair and my eyes."
He rubs my stomach and I start to cry.
"Are you emotional because you want to have babies with me?"
I shake my head as I sob.
"You're saying you don't wanna have babies with me?"
He questions with an angry look on his face.
I nod as tears fall.
He yanks me and he gets onto of me.
He punched me in the head multiple times and gave me a concussion
"I can't see...I must have a concussion"
"Good!"
He smiles as I throw up over the side of the bed.
I wake up in a cold sweat and Jane pops her head up.
"Are you okay darling?"
I shake my head rapidly as I make a wheezing sound trying to breathe.
I flap my hands in the air because I'm stressed
I'm shaking so Jane takes my hands.
"Okay baby, you're having a panic attack again okay...deep breathes , slowly and steady baby. In and out"
I clutch my chest and my head hurts
"I- I can't"
"Follow my breathing baby"
I swallow and then I follow her breathing.
She rubs my back
"You're okay, Sh sh. I've got you"
She holds me as I sob.
I tell her about my nightmare as she holds me.
"I didn't want to cum Janey but it's the bodies natural reaction and I couldn't control it, I'm sorry"
"Baby never be sorry"
She holds me for a bit longer before we decide to get dressed.
Afterwards , I eat a bagel.
Jane has a toasted ham and cheese sandwich.
I sit on the couch and pull at my hangnails.
Jane comes over and stops me.
"Baby stop please, that is not going to help"
I start to cry again.
"I'm sorry baby, did I upset you?"
I nod
"I can't understand why you protect me from..myself?"
I sigh
"I can't stand to see you hurt yourself baby."
I hug her and then we go out.
We go shopping and I buy some new home  decor and some candles to light in our bedroom.
Jane loves the smell of Lavender so she got one.
I walk out of the shop and suddenly Jane isn't behind me anymore.
I look around frantically with tears in my eyes and then I see her rushing over to me from the cash register.
"Sorry but my girlfriend is having a panic attack over there I'll be right back"
She immediately hugs me
"I thought you left me....I was so scared"
I cry as I struggle to breathe.
She holds my hand
"Okay baby I need you to sit down and take some deep breaths"
I sit on the chair and I take some deep inhales as my legs shake
"That's good baby, in and out"
I feel better so she takes me up to the cash register with her to pay.
"Hope you're alright, that'll be €30 please"
"Thanks"
I wipe a tear and we both contribute to paying
We leave with our shopping bags and then we go to the hospital to get my stitches taken out of my wrist.
I decide not to go under because I would be out of it when I woke up.
I stare at the wall as they do their thing.
Jane stays with me.
I get pain meds and then I wrap my coat over me
"Thanks Doctor"
"Oh Maura, I'm so sorry for what Amy did. We had no suspicions whatsoever"
"It's okay , I believe you"
We go home and I take a pain med.
I take a shower with Jane's help.
She showers on her own as I'm getting dressed.
I get into bed after I dry my hair and I sleep.